Gonna Have To Ask...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Gonna Have To Ask...
49
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:28am
I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes or anything, or insult someone..But, what is the big deal with porn? I'm not talking about the kind of porn the violates an unconsenting individual. I'm talking about the porn you can download or go to the video store and rent. Or look at in a magazine. I don't understand what the big issue with porn is. Why can't someone's SO view it in his/her private time? How is viewing porn a violation of trust? I mean this in an innocent way, honestly. I just don't really understand how porn is a violation of trust. Will someone, in a kind way, explain to me how it is so?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:50pm

And that is where I start to question the validity of that argument, and the sanity of those women!

And I don't see why a guy should have to suffer b/c his partner can't figure out the difference between fantasy and reality.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:56pm
It seems that he's going to suffer in any event. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:56pm
n/t

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:11pm

For me it has to do with a previous marriage to someone who ended up liking porn than me. In the beginning I was okay with it then it became something he'd watch before sex, ask if we could watch it during sex, and then eventually he would also watch it after sex. He would be up until all hours of the morning looking at it.

Now I'm with a different man. I love my SO very much but our sex drives differ dramatically in that I wouldn't mind sex 2-3 times a week and I can barely get him to initiate even when he is willing to have sex (he's seven years older than me). When we do have sex it is great and I have no complaints). So I was hurt when I came porn on the computer. He tried to tell me he uses it for "education" (I'm only his second partner and he's embarrased by this). When asked why he never brings what he learns into the bedroom...once again he's too embarrased. Said he did it while he was married and his ex wife didn't get upset. So now, while he doesn't look very often, he tries to hide when he has done it. Looking at it blatantly or secretly both hurt when he doesn't want to have sex very often in the first place with a real life person. It has nothing to do with me having insecurities or low self esteem but more with the fact that he says he doesn't masurbate while looking, but still looks at pics of the 18/19 yr olds in sexual poses while telling me that me stripping for him wouldn't do too much for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:35pm
A guy is suffering because he can't look at pictures of naked women? I thought fantasies were something that are in your imagination...not something that you can physically see on a computer or television screen. When a person intentionally goes looking for porn when they know their partner dislikes it, for whatever reason, it isn't a good thing. And it can't always be chalked up to a persons insecurities. This is an issue that some people apparently want to blame the wife or GF for, but she isn't always the problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:47pm

He suffers b/c he isn't allowed to own his sexual identity. She owns it, instead.

And the wife and GF aren't always the problem, but they are OFTEN the problem. ;)

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:31pm
When you found the porn, you were already accussing him w/o letting him explain. Wouldn't you be embarassed if he was only your second partner and you wanted to find discreet ways to turn the heat up in the bedroom? I'd be embarassed, too. I bought a naughty book and it hid it from DH and was too embarassed to use the ideas I had picked up on. He was my first time. He's been my only penetrative partner in many areas so I was a little shy b/c he came with more experience than I. He found the book and we looked at it together. Then, I took what I learned to him when I felt comfortable. I realize that not everyone is the same..BUT, you started comparing yourself the moment you found the porn. YOU are comparing YOU. He isn't. Those fake 18/19 y.o.'s aren't. The next time you see this porn, reach out to the screen and touch the woman. What does she feel like? Cold glass? Should because that's what she is. You are making you insecure. You are comparing you.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:35pm
That's ridiculous. A person's sexuality isn't defined by their masturbatory tools! Would a man also lose his sexual identity if he was on a deserted island without any porn? No, he would simply adjust and learn to use his imagination again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:15pm
Personally, I don't have a problem with porn. In fact, I like it, with or without my man. I'm a very sexual person (always have been), and understand that men (and women) need and deserve this type of stimulation. It's completely natural!! Now, ask me about it 15 years ago and I would have a completely different answer. : ) What I do question however is when someone replaces the "live" one on one contact with porn. That is when I have a problem with porn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:00pm

I like you. :)

I have a solution- Take all the blame that has been placed on his/her shoulders. Cut that blame in half. Now, place equal amounts of blame on your shoulders and his/her shoulders. Every problem has two or more people involved, therefore the blame is equally distributed amongst all involved. Its infantile to assume that a problem is one-sided. Now, run to the naughty store and buy some fun toys. Buy a costume or two. Find out a fantasy of his/her's and act it out for them. Don't say that the strip tease doesn't work because it won't all the time. Its too conventional. Try something different, something daring, something wild. Don't be afraid to experiment. Whisper naughty things in his/her ear to make him/her blush. Make him/her feel naughty, too. Dare to be dirty, naughty, kinky. Add spice, not water. Spice is what makes the recipe EXPLODE.
Rather than add to the problem by complaining about the problem, fix it by adding experimentation and fun. I think that in most cases, porn is viewed not for the women but for the erotic, exotic naughtiness that the images convey.