Gonna Have To Ask...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Gonna Have To Ask...
49
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:28am
I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes or anything, or insult someone..But, what is the big deal with porn? I'm not talking about the kind of porn the violates an unconsenting individual. I'm talking about the porn you can download or go to the video store and rent. Or look at in a magazine. I don't understand what the big issue with porn is. Why can't someone's SO view it in his/her private time? How is viewing porn a violation of trust? I mean this in an innocent way, honestly. I just don't really understand how porn is a violation of trust. Will someone, in a kind way, explain to me how it is so?

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:30pm

I think most women would agree with that. When porn ceases to be an enhancement and becomes a replacement, in a relationship, then it's a problem. Not unlike anything else used to excess or with a selfish motive.

I disagree that porn use is "natural" or "needed" though. That implies that those who choose not to use it are somehow "unnatural" and "needy" and that's just not the case.

Interest in sex and the opposite sex IS natural but HOW one chooses to express that interest is individual personal choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:55am
He is my second partner and I have no problem trying new things together. I'm not comparing me to them b/c I already know they are just pictures. The problem is that he looks at that then tells me that he would be embarrased if I did what he looks at...I offered and he flat out refused me. Like I said I have no insecurities in the self esteem area or in the sexual area, rather it hurt more that he doesn't want me to do anything except have regular sex with him (meaning no stripping, no lights on, and I come to bed already naked because he says lingerie is pointless, and sex is only one to two times every... I think we're working on two weeks right now).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:55am

You said: "A person's sexuality isn't defined by their masturbatory tools! "

But then you said:
"Interest in sex and the opposite sex IS natural but HOW one chooses to express that interest is individual personal choice."

So which is it? Does he have the right to express his interest however he sees fit, or not?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:59pm
Perhaps he fantasizes about the two of you doing what the images portray, but acting out a fantasy takes a lot of courage and a lot of determination. I have a role-reversal fantasy with DH. He knows what is. I know what it is. But, ANYTIME he mentiones acting out that fantasy, I clam up and come up with some excuse about why I can't do it to him. Its because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of efeminating him. I'm afraid of being judge by him. And, I'm afraid I might actually enjoy it enough to repeat it over and over again. So, give him some time. Don't push him. Maybe sneak back in and look at the images when he isn't around and see what you can gather to use in the bedroom. Surprise the man with a little oral stimulation and then go from there. Use your imagination. That's what I like most about sex is the ability to use my imagination.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:22pm

What is it that's unclear to you? Those two statements are not contradictory at all.

Sure, he has the right to do whatever he wants but in the context of a relationship, he will most likely be expected to make compromises with a partner.

We all have choices in expressing our sexuality but it still isn't DEFINED by those choices. We're sexual beings even if we're paralyzed from the neck down and unable to physically express it at all. Our sexuality resides in the mind. So, I'm sure my cousin who is a quadraplegic still consider himself a sexual being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:36pm

"HOW one chooses to express that interest is individual personal choice."

That's what I was referring to. It is apparently NOT individual personal choice at all - it's COMPROMISE. Or, in this case, it's 'do what she says or else'.

Honestly, I consider anyone censoring my masturbatory habits a HUGE red flag.

 

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:50pm

If your masturbatory habits conflict with your partner's needs, then he would have the right to raise that red flag! What if one of your tools was beatiality or using child porn? When your private time conflicts with the needs of your partner, it becomes a relationship issue, whether you like that or not.

In a relationship, one typically expects that compromise will be part of the package, IF you want to share your life with another person, that is. That's what it takes, to varying degrees, within the individual relationship. But if you want everything your own way, with no compromises, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

But the only reason that the subject would come up at all is if one's partner felt neglected or upset by what the other was doing. Otherwise, private time would remain private.




Edited 6/1/2005 6:06 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 7:51pm

"What if one of your tools was beatiality or using child porn?"

In this case, wouldn't you leave your partner?

That's the only point I'm trying to make about porn. If you don't like it, why try to change their personal, PRIVATE choices?

"But if you want everything your own way, with no compromises, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. "

Not everything. Just the few things that I consider private and untouchable by ANYONE else. Self-love is one of those.

 

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:02pm

"In this case, wouldn't you leave your partner?"

Not everyone chooses to. They may choose to try and help them overcome self destructive habits before leaving.

My point about porn is that it CAN become a negative habit if one partner feels neglected or ignored. If both partners are fine with it, then there is no problem.

I feel that there is nothing in marriage that isn't negotiable, except for monogamy. Both my DH and I feel that's non-negotiable.

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