Got caught on VCR

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Got caught on VCR
19
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 8:40pm

My husband and I went out for dinner and a movie Sat nite. When we got home we felt romantic and he went to his closet to get a VCR tape that we made of us making love. The tape was not in his closet. We checked the VCR, nothing. We searched the closet and all over.

My husband then comes in with it and said he found it in our oldest sons VCR..nooooooooo

I am so embarrassed b/c there was some really wacky stuff that we did on that tape(role playing, MB & toys. What should I do? Should we confront him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: nywife
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 8:58pm

First, how old is your son?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: nywife
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:07pm

Thats exactly my feeling on the privacy subject.

I'm just so worried about what he saw on the tape. My son is 16 years old and I know his hormones are taking off. Seeing his mother on tape, in positions I'm sure he's didn't even know existed is embarrassing.

Do a lot of teen boys snoop around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: nywife
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:14pm

Although this obviously happens with so many different couples in so many embarrassing situations, including pics or even vids, I would never downplay any of it as being less than a serious situation and an embarrassing one. Nevertheless, please be mindful that you are in the norm anyway.

You never mentioned how old your oldest is, but I'd like to share a link with you that I felt was VERY helpful for others in at least situations anyway:

Our Child Saw Us Having Sex
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/experts/drruth/qas/0,,591486_591636,00.html

My thoughts are as follows:

1) Do NOT avoid discussing this. Don't let this young man get the impression that you feel ashamed about naturally being husband and wife. As embarrassing as this is, I personally feel that it MUST be addressed, and again, addressed in a way that solidifies his thoughts on 'Mom & Dad' relationships. This is your personal relationship and this is what you do when "you're married" in your own unique way. HE is the one embarrassed, not you, it would help if you kept that mindset.

2) If you do choose to address this with him, do it . Also, PLEASE keep in mind that you must explain to him that this is NOT to be shared with others. It will only embarrass further. Assure him of how important it is for you two to 'trust' him to keep your very private lives as that, private, and that he'd really REALLY hurt you AND himself if this were shared with anyone, including the siblings.

3) No need to remind you to keep your doors and your privacy, including items such as pics/vids, under lock and key...but for the sake of those who may be reading this...there ya are.

Very good luck to you! Please please please let us know how it goes, so many others could benefit from this. Thanks and Godspeed!

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: nywife
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:16pm
I wouldn't be surprised to find out that almost every teen, boy AND girl, actually snooped around when finding opportunity to do so. In fact, they do more than that, lol, teen pregnancy and all.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: nywife
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:37pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: nywife
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:49pm

>>Do a lot of teen boys snoop around?<<

Yes. I think that quite a few do. I think that it's probably part of the curiousity that teenagers have about sex. They are trying to gather as much information as they can and well, if everyone-else does it, then their parents must too - if so, where's the evidence or the naughty magazines that might Dad have? If a video tape is stashed somewhere then they do say that curiousity killed the cat.

Like the others have said you should talk to him about it. If you think that you are going to feel embarrassed, think how embarrassed he is going to feel having gotten caught!
You don't want to give him the wrong impression about healthy sexual relationships so don't say anything to give him the impression that what you and your husband do is somehow dirty or that the acts themselves are dirty or embarrassing. Just make it clear that it's not something that he will discuss with anyone-else, and that he did invade your privacy. I'd finish up by telling him that you are happy to discuss any thing sexual with him or give him advice or help in the future if he wants it without any hassles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: nywife
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:17pm

So my husband and I sat down to talk with my son last night. He knew something was up and was embarrassed when we told him we found the tape in his VCR. He didn't lie and apologized for snooping around our bedroom. We told him he needs to respect our privacy.

Then I asked the question I was dreading - how much of the tape had you watched. His answer "the whole thing", I could feel my face turning red. He said he's watched it many times and for some reason it aroused him. I almost died. He hasn't shown it to anyone else.

I gathered myself and asked why he would continually want to see us in the act. His answer - "I'd never seen anything like that before. Plus I didn't feel like a perv b/c you were dressed up and looked like someone else." I was mortified and told him to stop b/c its not normal and walked out.

So basically my son enjoys seeing me in lingerie performing sex acts. I didn't dare ask what he does while watching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: nywife
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:22pm
Maybe involving a counselor in this situation might help all of you to get past your embarassment?
Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: nywife
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 5:42pm

Oh dear. How embarrassing.

The damage has been done. I guess that part of you was hoping that he'd only seen a small part of it and had been grossed out by his parents doing that. On the brightside, he's not really been watching YOU with your husband. As he said, he preceives you to be a different person because you were dressed up. It's not really like he's got a little Oedipus complx going on here. It's primarily a basic fascination with seeing real, live sex for the first time at an age where he is extremely interested in it.

I don't think that it's his parents is as bad as you might think. He's old enough to know right from wrong and to have formed some of his own preferences, opinions and desires about sex. He knew that he should be disgusted by it from his comment about being a 'perv'. I don't think that this is going to screw him up for life or anything like that.

It sounds like you've got a reasonably good dialogue going with him about it. It might pay to bring it to a conclusion. If you walked out then it's still unfinished business so to say. Continue on and say that you walked out because you were embarrassed that he had seen something that was private between your husband and you. You could simply tell him that you were upset because no-one wants their children to see them having sex, just as he would be embarrassed if you walked in on him masturbating or having sex.

Other than that, I don't think that there is much that you can (or perhaps even should) do about the situation. Keep the communication lines open between him and you - answer any questions about sex that he has openly and honestly and non-judgementally.

What's your husbands take on all this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: nywife
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:48pm

My husband is confused as well but feels this is just a case of hormones running wild. I can understand that to a point.

I'm just praying that its a stage where he's seeing live acts, not movie love.

I just think of the stuff he saw me doing and I cringe. Does he really enjoy watching his mom 69 and climax.

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