Great guy, but the sex is horrible!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Great guy, but the sex is horrible!
15
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:03pm

I have been in a relationship for a while now and the man is WONDERFUL!

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Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:32pm
Give us more info. Do you live together? Have you expressed what you want more of in bed? Is he able to be emotionally intimate outside of sex?

I think these types of problems are fixable, but they take quiet a bit of time and emotional investment on both sides. I was in a relationship where this type of problem was fixed, but it took well over a year and some extremely confrontational situations. It was very difficult, but in the long run well worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:33pm
We should talk, email e Travis2211@hotmail.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2000
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:49pm
Dump him.

And the description "great guy, but the sex is horrible" is self contradictory.

If the sex is horrible, he is not a great guy.

Get real, as Dr. Phil would say. You can do better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:58pm

Have you sat down with him and told him what you want and what you need.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:14pm
much better than great sex, horrible guy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:44pm
Congrats on finding such a great guy! I never get tired of reading posts like yours that stress how great the relationship is. Because you love his personality and have such a blast together, I'm hoping that stretches into communicating with him regarding sex as well.

I agree with many of the other comments and everything cl-issytish added as well. You are NOT overreacting and it really is time, in my honest opinion, for him to know that you "need" more intimacy in your sexual relationship. I'd be careful to assure that this isn't simply a lack of pleasure issue, but that its a "need" for more intimacy and that you'd like to discuss it more and implement more of that into your sexual relationship.

Sex is fun, of course, but its also, for many of us, an expression of the love as well. Maybe its time to use that great relationship and communication to your advantage. If communication in THIS matter is still a little "iffy" at all, like it always can be with ANY of us with a subject this sensitive, then perhaps you'd also find some tips from one of the "communication" boards from the relationships web page.

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/boards/

VERY good luck to you!

:)

:)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:59pm
No, you aren't being overly sensitive and Yes, Yes, Yes, these are fixable problems! BUT he has to be willing to make the changes. It sounds like you have the "raw material" to work with. But you definitely need to talk with him, openly and honestly, and tell him that this behavior is a major turnoff to you.

It's important to spell out what you need from him and ask him to look at sex from YOUR perspective once in a while. Try to be as specific about what you want as you possibly can.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease though, so start talking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:06pm

<great guy.>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 5:48pm
I agree with everyone except Biggeranita......you don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

You need to start talking to the man! Tell him what you've told us. I find it hard to believe that any man thinks that "servicing" him is a big thrill for a woman, if he does nothing in return, but maybe he does. You need to explain the difference between "sex" and "making love". If he doesn't get it, then stop "servicing" him till he DOES get it.

I was married to a man like him. Once I started giving him oral sex (several years after we were married) that was all he wanted. I finished him, he rolled over and went to sleep. Unfortunately MY ex was a man you couldn't talk to, and it never changed. That wasn't the reason I divorced him, but his obvious selfishness led to other problems.

He needs to understand that there are two of you in the relationship, and in the bed, and that BOTH of you are supposed to have pleasure. If he can't see that, then maybe he is too selfish to stay with, but I certainly wouldn't give up on him until you've at least TRIED to get thru to him.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 10:18pm
I've got to wonder if there's a bit more to it - like maybe he's having erection problems? That might explain some of his behaviour.

Regardless of what it is, I think that it can probably be resolved if the two of you talk about it. You might risk hurting his feelings when you first raise the topic but after he sees that you are genuinely concerned and want to improve the sex for both of you then he will probably open up more. After-all, you say that everything is great between the two of you except for the sex.

You'll have to be proactive and assertive in bed too. You'll have to show him what you like and how you want to do it. There's a place for dirty talk and quick sex like he prefers but show him that there is a place for the kind of sex that you like too. You'll have to give directions and tell him what you would like him to do to you. You don't need to sound like a Drill Instructor to do that though. Tell him that you want to make love to him and place him on the bed. Tell him to hush if he starts talking dirty and try giving examples of how you like to be talked to. Ask him to move this way, or that way. Get him to do things how you want it to be done. Gently correct him if he starts to do things wrong. After a few times he should get the idea and start having ideas himself.

It's not likely to be easy - for him or for you, but lots of talking even while intimate is probably the only way it's going to save the relationship.

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