Handjobs - women what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Handjobs - women what do you think?
20
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 10:05pm
My wife of 16 years has a very low libido - we have sex once a month... we're both busy to the max and have two kids...

I am ready to have sex every 2-4 DAYS.

I have read on this board about some women give their husband a handjob when they are not up to the "full deal."

Before I totally embarass myself and ask my wife for a "hand." Can you tell me how many of you would find this erotic or disgusting?

It would be nice if she could help me out and not think ill of me for asking?

Or would it be better to just have her watch as I do all the work? I just don't want to go do it by myself in the bathroom because it feels so much like I am leaving her out...

Mike

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Avatar for buckleupkids
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 11:01pm
Wellll.....I think they are fun to do. It is also REALLY fun to watch. BUT, if this is new to you both, you might want to ask her if she is willing to learn this new "skill". I stumbled across a website that had PAGES of information on different handjobs. It was very cool...until I found out it was written by a Gay man.....it shouldn't have mattered, but in my head I had some wise wonderful mentor woman pictured LOL.

I recently asked the guy I'm seeing to teach me, but he just didn't seem interested...so either I was doing something wrong or he just doesn't like them, because I am SURE he was planning his shopping list the whole time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 11:31pm
First, just a comment regarding her being "left out" if you masturbate in the bathroom. If she's got no libido and refuses to discuss it (as you mentioned in a different post) then she's leaving herself out. If she's not listening, then you should feel free to substitute your hand where ever you like.

If I wasn't in the mood and DH asked me to give him a hand job, I'd tell him to look after himself. If I'm not in the mood, sexual activity is a chore - not a pleasure. If I'm feeling that way, it's because all I'm doing at that time is give...give..give. Asking for a hand job would be just another request for me to deal with.

If I were you, I'd be looking at the cause of her problems, rather than work around them. You said that you are "both busy to the max and have two kids". How about making some changes to your life? Even if it is as simple as scheduling a weekly appointment with each other. Even if it's not sex, just some 1:1 time would help. What about getting the kids minded and having a night or two away? Go out for dinner? Get a porn movie, take out and a bottle of wine on a Saturday night? Or get really rash and cut back on work hours.

I'm also a mother of two little ones, and find that by the time I look after the chores and kids, I have no time for myself. Without those little spoils I don't feel sexy. What fixes this? A pair of new shoes, a 'new' skirt from the flea market, freshen up my hair colour, a new lipstick. Now, your wife mightn't be as vain as I, so if these don't work, how about a bath? Or some time exercising? Whatever works for her.

If you do make changes, don't expect instant results...it takes a little while to recover your spirit.

Oh and I nearly forgot. Ask your wife about the hand job idea. She may be perfectly happy to oblige. I can only speak for myself.

Yasmin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 12:03am
I'm with Yasmin.....if your wife really has a "low libido".....and she's not interested in sex more than once a month, and she's never made any effort to "accomodate" you occasionally, I doubt very much if she'd be interested in helping you out in this way either.

Take care of yourself in the bathroom if that's what you need to do...as Yasmin said, you're not leaving her out of it, she's PUT herself out of it.

Rather than feeling guilty about having natural urges and needs, maybe find out what HER problem is. Every young couple is "busy", especially if they have children. That's not an excuse to give up sex. Has she always been this way? If not, when did it start? How long since she's been to her doctor for a good physical, including blood work for hormone levels? If she refuses to even discuss it, then I'd say she's got emotional problems rather than physical. That's sad......and it's also very selfish. Most women, even if they're NOT "in the mood" will have sex with their husband because they CARE about them, and want to make them happy. Many times, we think we're tired, or not in the mood, but when we get started, hormones take over, and we enjoy.

If she's constantly turning you down, then you have nothing to feel guilty about, no matter where you do it. Maybe you should do it right in front of her, to make her aware of what she's "driving" you to.

It sounds like you have a big problem here, and I hope you can solve it.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 12:28am
Do you guys EVER discuss this type of thing? I would think in 16 yrs. the subject would have come up. IF she isn't willing to have sex as often as you'd like, then I would HOPE that she would do this for you. I think it's the least she can do. And why should she think a handjob was gross or distasteful? Your penis, and all it's functions, are part of the man she loves!

My DH and I have different libidos and always have but we've been able to work around it. He has the LOWER one, BTW. We compromise on frequency and I take care of myself when necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 3:12am
Just a couple of after thoughts to my post.

Before you can make any changes, she must admit that there is a problem and want to fix it. All the TLC in the world won't work if she doesn't want to change.

Secondly, you must find out if she is 100% happy in the marriage - and be prepared for a "no". speaking from personal experience, a missing sex drive can indicate large relationship problems.

good luck

Yasmin

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 3:38am
(I'm a guy but I'll add my 2 cents worth)

Assuming that you actually have a pretty good relationship with your wife, I'd ask her but give her a couple of options too. She shouldn't be overly surprised if you ask for handjob anyway, should she? After-all, she's got to be aware of the clashing libidos and that you would like sex more than she does.

Tell her exactly what you've told us. If she gets upset with what or how you've told us what the issue is, then you can't win because you've been very sensible and sensitive enough.

Personally, my partner would usually find it a chore to give me a handjob if she wasn't in the mood. She's suggested that I take matters into my own hands more than once. However she loves watching and finds it very, very arousing apparently. More than once she's not been in the mood but been very much in it 10 minutes later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 3:56am
>>However she loves watching and finds it very, very arousing apparently. More than once she's not been in the mood but been very much in it 10 minutes later.<<

Oh yeah!!! That works for me too. Actually, just last night as it so happens.

Yasmin

Avatar for taylor1286
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 10:07am
Ha, I agree - but usually I do the handjob and my SO loves it (I also love to watch him but he likes when I do it). I've gotten so turned on while doing it that usually we end up having sex. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 11:29am
Mike - email me...we have a lot to talk about! ;o)

Fyrebelle

aero_fyre@yahoo.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 12:07pm
well, i would say definitely try to include her. Its more intimate even if you are not necessarily in the mood for intercourse to please each other. I think one suggestion would be to just start pleasing her alot more and she will reciprocate in all likelihood. What i mean is if you are going all out to give her oral, masturbate us, even use a vibrator on her to get her juices flowing, she will not mind so much giving you a hand job if she is not in the mood for sex. I think the hand job is way underused. i love giving oral to my BF but once we were in the movie theater and I just unzipped his pants and start stroking him. he was just wide eyed and couldn't believe it..i sucked him a little to get him really wet but i just stroked him until finally he stroked himself to orgasm and i sucked his juices out. this was an incredibly intimate and naughty day for us but one i won't forget. :)

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