Has this happened to you? (Long)
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| Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:27am |
My SO and I broke up 5 weeks ago. We were together almost 3 yrs.
We met at a kids party. My daughter and his daughter have mutual friends. We carefully started seeing one another w/o involving the kids, then eventually brought them into the picture.
At one point we traveled together, spent the night at each other's homes with the kids, met extended family, had holiday dinners together (with extended family), etc.
We talked about marriage, lifelong commitment, etc. On a professional level we inspired and supported one another. He encouraged me to start my own company instead of making my bosses richer, etc.
In October of last year he started having premature ejaculation. By Christmas he was also having trouble maintaining an erection in spite of taking Viagra. Prior to this we had an awesome sex life. He was having financial difficulties at this time so I figured the PE and ED to be temporary. I expected things to improve. I supported and encouraged him. I never criticized him. At that time he said he could not stay in a RL where he was not satisfying his partner. He asked me if I wanted to break up and I told him no.
However, during this time I also became aware that his ex-fiance moved back into town...in fact, into the same apartment complex as him. They have mutual friends so somehow they reconnected. He said he referred her to the building management and got $$ taken off of his rent, which he really needed at the time. He assured me that there was nothing between them, etc. I kept an eye on things without letting him know that I was suspicious and eventually became ok with things again. I believe he was sincere but he knew it was an inappropriate thing to do.
Then he interviewed for a couple of new jobs. One would require relocation and the other would allow him to live in the same town with frequent travel to the other coast. We had a discussion around this during which time I told him that he didn't sound as if I and my children were part of his decision making process. He admitted that he hadn't factored us in and indicated that he had to make the best business and career decision. He said no matter where he ended up he wanted to be together and we could work around the distance. His daughter lives in my city, and he has to be here for a 50% custody arrangement. So I knew he would be around. We were still working on the sex issue as well. He said he wanted to remain in the relationship and asked me if I wanted to keep things going. I told him yes. He seemed a bit disengaged, but he was consistently making a sincere effort to repair the issues.
He got the local job which required him to be on the other coast for the first 2 months, with him flying back home only on the weekends. We had agreed that I would fly out there with him sometimes and we would plan dates for the weekends he'd be home. Everything seemed fine. Happy. However, a few weeks into things his contact really dimished. I thought it was due to the new job. I was literally talking to him for 30 seconds a day. He would call while he was checking email, reading reports and stuff like that.
I missed him. I wanted to spend more time with him. I asked him to set the dates and he said, "let's chat about it." Immediately I sensed the break up coming. So rather than beat around the bush I told him that his tone sounded as if he didn't expect the RL to continue. He said it wasn't that, but he didn't see the sex problem improving and he was feeling like a loser. He said he wanted to focus on his work. I asked him if the ex-fiance had anything to do with it. He said no, but he was reminded of their sexual chemistry when she resurfaced. This really hurt me. How could he tell me that???
So during "the convo" he never would come out and say he wanted to break up. When i asked him what he wanted to do he just kept saying, "I don't know but I can't be in a relationship where I am not satisfying my partner." We couldn't decide if the RL was over or if we were "seeing other people." So we agree to just "be."
Then I found out from my daughter two weeks later that the ex-fiance had been spending time at the apartment with him and his daughter immediately after the break up.(my daugher and his daughter are friends. ) he had told his daughter we had a "mutual" breakup. I was really shaken that I had to find this out through my daughter. So I called him. During our first convo he would never come out and say he wanted to end things but he told his daughter is was mutual??? WTF? He said he was working through his sexual problem not just with the ex but with other women also and implied that I might want to check to see if the problem was me. I asked him if there had been anyone else during our RL and he said no, but was tempted to think about it because he wanted to see if the problem was permanent and with everyone or just with me. I confronted him with the notion that he wanted to break up for months but hadn't done so and that he talked about marriage with me and probably shouldn't have since he was having doubts. He agreed and apologized profusely.
I have posted this in a men's forum and have been able to get some responses. Basically, they say that a man's ability to perform is #1. They all says he was experiencing some kind of break down and probably could not work through it while in the RL. To me, the $1MM question is what happens if he does(n't) get his mojo back and then what comes next? Does he think he can come back to me in either case?
The reason why I suspect he might try for a reconciliation is because he has my house key and hasn't returned it in spite of promising 3 times to do so. The key can't be copied. Sure, I can change the locks. I don't think he will do anything inappropriate with the key. But I'm wondering if he's holding on to it so he has an excuse to contact me. He's not the lazy or forgetful type at all. I even sent him a SASE 2 weeks ago. He's doing this on purpose.
The thing is, he's a great guy. He's nerdy and he's got his quirks but he's really great. I just don't think I can take him back. He would have to return with all of his shyt together on bended knee with a two karat diamond. Even then, I would wait and watch for months before recommitting or even having sex with him again.
Right now I just don't trust him in any way. I just don't know where his head was at during the last 6 months of our RL or now. I don't know if I could trust him to work his problems out with me in the future. He might run away again. I feel like he villified me at the end and punished me. He gave me no choice in the matter.
The sex problem is his alone. He told me that all along. Deep down he knows that when he sorta implied that I should check myself out he wasn't sincere. He would never want to know if I slept with another guy. I did check it out with someone since the breakup. My machinery is working fine.
I think he expected me to call him constantly, cry, threaten suicide, stalk him, etc when we broke up. I was really calm and hardly cried (in his presence). He asked me what I was thinking and how I felt. I told him I was proud of myself for how well I was handling things. When I called him at the 2 week point I went a little crazy and called him multiple times until he returned my call, but that was it. He sounded a little angry when we did speak and said, "What have you been up to? Keeping busy?" He really expected me to be calling and emailing him in the interim. I think that hurt his ego.
The kids are great! They understand what has happened. They have been making suggestions as to whom I can date. They're wonderful, but I do NOT want any type of relationship now.
Has anyone had a similar experience?

Welcome to the board caligirl2007. Sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out.
I'm not sure why your guy was having trouble with PE & ED, but it isn't reasonable that he suggest you be checked out. The mechanics of his body have nothing to do with the mechanics of your body!
Perhaps he has a difficult time with commitment, or wasn't sure this was the right relationship for him. Perhaps he's just a player, it's hard to tell. I think most people have a difficult time deciding that a relationship is really over. From what you provided here, it sounds like he was thinking about the relationship and wondering himself it was the right one for him.
As far as the PE & ED, sounds like he didn't want to face the music that "he" had a problem. Sadly, many people can't admit when they do.
Here are a couple of boards where you might find support from others in your situation:
Single Mothers & Dating
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsolomother
Rejoining the Dating Game
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldategame
my partner in the siggy exchange