He changed his m.o....now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
He changed his m.o....now what?
30
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:54am

(Prior to me actually talking to my bf about this, I wanted to get some opinions)


So, I'm a little lost on what to do. This past weekend, my bf did something I NEVER thought he would do....unless *I* asked him. We're in our early 30's and have been together for almost 2 years. When we talk about sex, my impression was that he isn't into sex beyond vanilla. That includes ANY anal play or what not. I asked him if he ever had anal sex, he said "no, and I'm not interested in it". I asked him about anal play, and he said, "no, but I'm not really into it." (for me or him).


So you can understand my surprise when he starts playing with my anus. I was shocked, like why, did he do that? NOT that I'm really complaining, as I do like it, but here's my dilemma.


I was expecting sex for us to be very vanilla, unless *I* ask him to do something for me/to me. I'm completely thrown off that he changed his MO by himself. I'm also wondering if he just lies to me about what he's done, in order to make me feel like I'm so special. BTW, I've been with many men, and I absolutely HATE men that can't tell the truth because they're afraid I can't handle it. And it really bothers me that he may be lying.....


Therefore, I was wondering if I should talk to him about this. Y'know, ask him what is going on, what changed, why now, why do this, did he lie to me about what he has done and not done? I guess the reason it bothers me is two-fold. One, he feels he has to lie, I don't like that, because that means he can lie to me about anything else, if he feels he doesn't wanna hurt me (like ANYTHING from cheating to not really feeling like calling me back and making up some stupid excuse...to me, that's bad, and leads to bigger troubles), and two, I DO NOT want to teach, and dangit, if I KNEW he was into this stuff, it would save me so much trouble of trying to supress my kinky side.


Also, I can understand maybe up until recently, he wasn't comfortable with these things, but in all honesty, I would like to know what I can experience and what I cannot. Kinda like a man wanting anal, but never asking his SO, and he never realizes that she in fact loves it, but she doesn't want to bring it up because he gave her the impression he doesn't want it. It's confusing. I guess, I just want to know what I can one day look forward to, versus him giving me the impression it will never go beyond vanilla, and then he DOES do something w/o me asking. I guess that's what threw me off so much. He did it w/o me asking.


Your thoughts?


TIA


-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 5:38pm

Jeep,


Yes, I thought it was maybe him just wanting to do something for me. But I never SAID I liked it. So how would he know? And dammit, I guess I'm also upset because it's now another thing I need to "teach" him. lol. Seriously. This guy thinks women get off more the faster you go. Amateur. hehehe!


So, I'm not sure how he would know I like it, if I never stated.


Although, here's something interesting. He said he never tried and didn't want it. But, as I have posted about this before here, he arches himself so dang much that I have no where else to go but to HIS anus. So, I figured, okay. And he liked it and I tried to talk to him about it. You know, the whole, "you seemed to like it, was that okay? do you want more? etc" and all he could say, "I dunno" and turns away from me. So kinda hard to get things out of him. I have a feeling...he's not telling me the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:48pm

Tigger, I'm married to a man who doesn't want to discuss sex.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:46pm
I totally agree with you on this post. Almost everything you said. Maybe he is still very nervous about talking to you about what he likes, etc. Calm down the frustration, I know it isn't easy, but I feel ya. My SO is still having a hard time with telling me what she wants, and it has been 4 years that we are together. I ask, and everytime I get the same answer. She will tell me over and over again, I am already doing everything she likes, and if I ask her isn't there anything else you like? She will tell me she doesn't know. So, I have pushed, and proded, and goated, and restated, and gone blue in the face trying to get it out of her. After 3 1/2 years she started talking. And now we are finding out all sorts of things. Mostly she doesn't know what she will enjoy, or not, since her sexlife with her ex, and with the men between us was very vanilla, and only one other man has ever done anything different. So, I am showing her the ropes, I guess. But, for some people, it takes time to let the gaurds down, and be able to express themselves. Just keep pushing him to talk. Be his slave for a night. Tell him you will do absolutely nothing without him telling you what to do sexually, and then don't do anything, unless he tells you to do it. LOL It worked for her. It took almost a week, but it worked. She started talking!!!! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:18pm

Now I'm more confused. lol. Between what you and Jeep said, it both makes sense. I mean, yes, maybe his "I dunno's" really do mean "leave me alone", or maybe like jeep said, his "I dunno's" mean he's not sure cuz he hasn't tried anything. And I'm leaning towards that, and the ONLY reason is because.....


after reading Jeep's last post about his SO, my bf could've said those same EXACT things. Maybe his sex life WAS very vanilla and didn't go beyond the typical "sex" positions and oral. I guess I just assumed he was prolly lying because of what I know about his sex life with his most recent xgf. They were really wild. But, maybe they just had wild vanilla sex. Who knows.


I'm so confused. Talk, no talk. I'm not sure. I think I will talk to him and tread lightly. Ask him if talking about it bothers him, and if it does, I'll tell him I'll back off and try to approach things differently, to satisfy both him and me (in re to questions, not sexually).


I guess it's just so hard on me. I'm used to a certain type of man. And to be frank. ALL the men I have ever been with in one way or another would TALK to me about anything. This is the FIRST man I have ever dealt with that is closed up emotionally (although he can talk up a storm about anything topical).


So, thank you everyone. I think I will talk one last time, and tread lightly. Because I know for a fact if I don't ask him about it, it WILL eat me up inside and I will get resentful later on (not good). I'd rather HEAR him tell me he's uncomfy talking about it, versus just saying, "I dunno" and having no idea what the heck that means.


Thanks.


-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 6:17pm
Gosh. You guys absolutely -rule-, but you do seem to make makin' out with ya a little more psychologically challenging than it has to be! I mean, over time, one's tastes can change a bit, no? Nothing so wrong with that ... makes you remember you're alive and breathing!

Whatever ya do, don't judge ... it takes all the fun out of it! If you and I were dating, and I came racing into the room wild-eyed and grinning from ear to ear, and I announced breathlessly, "I've just developed a fetish for womens' blue-painted toenails!," I hope you'd give me the benefit of the doubt and not say that I was wierd but rather, "Huh. How 'bout that. Well, I'll paint 'em blue then and not second-guess you too much!"

;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 7:56pm

LOL. Thanks for the laugh. And yes, overtime, one's taste can change. And I wish he would've came running into the room saying he had a fetish for blue nails....but the prob with me was that he didn't say a word? Now what if I absolutely hated being touched back there? Maybe even traumatized by an event and refuse to have ANYONE go near me there. I could've freaked out and hurt him (physically and emotionally). But if he said, "I wanna try something, tell me if you like it", I'd go for it. And btw, I would never judge. And yes, I'd paint my nails blue. I have painted them blue btw. lol. Only cuz the "denim" color was in. hehehe. But I get your point. I would never judge, and he should know that. But it'd be nice to get some "warning" about what he wants.


I mean, even when I touched him, I warned him. I just said, "I'm going to try something, let me know if you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:19pm

>> But if he said, "I wanna try something, tell me if you like it", I'd go for it. <<


Hon, you really are thinking waaay too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:49pm
....another thought.

Instead of an out and outright discussion, why not bring it up during sex? Just blurt it out during dirty talk. If you never act on it, it's fuel for fantasy. I do it all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:13pm
T

Maybe he just tried to surprise you with something he knows you like (because you brought it up earlier) and consider that before he wasn't it to it, but if you, his girl, likes it, he might give it a go and enjoy himself too...

Personally, I enjoy it, and my bf enjoys it even more... of course... ;-)

Go easy on him, just ask him directly why he did it, I think it's the best thing to do.

One question a side to you, you said you were with several men, have you ever made anal sex to a man? I mean with a vibrator on him.

Thanks and good luck

Hugs and kisses from dibi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 6:30pm

No, I'm not this obssessive about talking....lol. But I understand why you feel that. HERE on the boards, I'm just trying to convey ALL my feelings to get feedback. No worries, I don't do this to him.


Also, I don't need a play by play, but you have to understand. I've been with men that FREAK out if you even touch their butts, so it's all a matter of respect, being polite, and well, when its something of this nature, to ask. or at least say something. To me, that's being respectful and polite. I don't like surprised all the time, and most of the time, I don't want them in bed. But that's me.


As for being in a loving relationship, blah blah blah, the thing is....if after 2 years, he has NO FRIGGEN CLUE what I like or don't like because he doesn't pay attention to my moaning, or me not doing anything when he does something I don't like, what makes you think he'll GET my body language. In this area, he's clueless. I have told him MANY times, I love getting my back kissed and caressed. I have even done the whole "positive reinforcement" IF he happens to do it on his own. And guess what? For the life of him, the other day, he said he had NO CLUE I liked that. So, unfortunately, ME giving him direction via body language is a lost cause....cuz I love him, but he's so dense in the bedroom. lol.


As for teaching....I'm just tired of it. And here I am involved with a VERY inexperienced man. I just wanted to find me a man that KNEW how to have good sex, which means, paying attention to what the WOMAN wants instead of his own body. Oh well, it just wasn't in the cards for me


-T