He changed his m.o....now what?
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| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:54am |
(Prior to me actually talking to my bf about this, I wanted to get some opinions)
So, I'm a little lost on what to do. This past weekend, my bf did something I NEVER thought he would do....unless *I* asked him. We're in our early 30's and have been together for almost 2 years. When we talk about sex, my impression was that he isn't into sex beyond vanilla. That includes ANY anal play or what not. I asked him if he ever had anal sex, he said "no, and I'm not interested in it". I asked him about anal play, and he said, "no, but I'm not really into it." (for me or him).
So you can understand my surprise when he starts playing with my anus. I was shocked, like why, did he do that? NOT that I'm really complaining, as I do like it, but here's my dilemma.
I was expecting sex for us to be very vanilla, unless *I* ask him to do something for me/to me. I'm completely thrown off that he changed his MO by himself. I'm also wondering if he just lies to me about what he's done, in order to make me feel like I'm so special. BTW, I've been with many men, and I absolutely HATE men that can't tell the truth because they're afraid I can't handle it. And it really bothers me that he may be lying.....
Therefore, I was wondering if I should talk to him about this. Y'know, ask him what is going on, what changed, why now, why do this, did he lie to me about what he has done and not done? I guess the reason it bothers me is two-fold. One, he feels he has to lie, I don't like that, because that means he can lie to me about anything else, if he feels he doesn't wanna hurt me (like ANYTHING from cheating to not really feeling like calling me back and making up some stupid excuse...to me, that's bad, and leads to bigger troubles), and two, I DO NOT want to teach, and dangit, if I KNEW he was into this stuff, it would save me so much trouble of trying to supress my kinky side.
Also, I can understand maybe up until recently, he wasn't comfortable with these things, but in all honesty, I would like to know what I can experience and what I cannot. Kinda like a man wanting anal, but never asking his SO, and he never realizes that she in fact loves it, but she doesn't want to bring it up because he gave her the impression he doesn't want it. It's confusing. I guess, I just want to know what I can one day look forward to, versus him giving me the impression it will never go beyond vanilla, and then he DOES do something w/o me asking. I guess that's what threw me off so much. He did it w/o me asking.
Your thoughts?
TIA
-T

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Thanks. I guess I'm thrown how he would know I like it, or if he just went for it, cuz we've talked about anal play before. But, I am going to talk to him about why because I need to know for my own brain. I need to know if this is how he is or not. I hate prying things out of him, and rarely like to do it, but sometimes, things just need to FLOW better for me, and I know talking to him will.
"One question a side to you, you said you were with several men, have you ever made anal sex to a man? I mean with a vibrator on him. "
As for this. No, I haven't done this at all. Out of the many men in my life, only TWO would let me NEAR that area. Most of the others just assumed going near the anus meant they were gay, so they didn't like it (and for those who ask why I tell, there you go. Homophobic men)
Could I do it? I'm not sure. To be honest, probably not. With a finger, yes, with a vibrator/dildo/strap on, no.
-T
Well, since there is no "dirty talk", then I can't really bring it up. And since I'm not comfy talking "dirty talk" to him because you have to understand that he is so vanilla, that I feel dirty and almost like a freak at times.
My xh was very NOT vanilla, so it was easy with him. With my bf, very hard to do anhthing that's not vanilla because he ACTS so straightlaced about EVERYTHING in life.
I guess you just gotta know him to understand that his straightlaced persona is what I get the bedroom. That isn't to say he's not interested in it, but it IS to say I feel like a freak because he doesn't seem into it at all.
-T
Wait...I'm confused. I just re-read your posts, and from what I gathered he played with you anally and switched back and forth between your anus and your vagina, and now you're afraid to talk to him because he doesn't want to?
no, sorry if I confused you. I can talk to him about that. I just kinda meant that I'm afraid to DIRTY talk with the guy.
This is not about shyness or vanilla personalities, this is about safe sex.
I agree, and I will address it.
After reading more of your responses, I'm getting a much clearer picture of what you are up against.
As an aside, my DH was hard to get to talk about what he wanted, and would often just say "It's all good" too. Slowly, over the years, he opened up more and more. Had he not, I still would have stayed with him because that's the way he was when we first began having sex, and I expected nothing else.
The ego really has no room in the bedroom simply because our bodies don't always respond to the same exact stimuli as it had the previous day. Arousal is so complex and it may come fast and easy one day, and slow and longer another(with the exact same stimuli). Accordingly, we have to make adjustments with respect to how our own body feels at the "moment" and if that means telling your SO to stop because it stopped feeling good or it's doing nothing, then so be it! Ego stroking, yes, of course, go ahead. ;-) Still,
after all these years of having sex with the same man, I get such a kick when I or he accomplishes something. However, we accept that as a gift, not a requirement. Expect nothing.
Life is all about acceptance. For me, I accepted my DH was a little reserved and shy in the bedroom and I loved him and enjoyed him no matter what, and it paid off because he opened up on his own. You have to accept the fact that right now, this is who he is and he may never change. If you can't, then you'll drive a wedge of resentment between the two of you because you feel cheated. Not everyone will change overnight--you can't make him be what he's not.
As hard as it may be, you have to discuss this matter. No, ifs, ands, or buts about it.
NP Yasmin. It's hard to get a point across w/o typing a novel. I don't expect anyone to understand my issues completely, but getting a general idea does help me.
As for my guy and being conservative. Well, he is, but the good thing is, is that he's willing to try out things...but I think it kinda has to be on his timeline. BUt, just KNOWING he's willing to try, is good. Or at least change things ups. So, I know my personality isn't being stifled, just being held back for now. He's been opening up a lot more, but it's taking longer than I expected.
As for not reading body language. To be frank. He's just like that. I mean, come on. He was with one woman for 8 years and he said they had sex in missionary position for the most part. And that was it. I wonder if that's why she cheated. But, he does learn, if he didn't, trust me, I would've been gone long ago. The fact that he DOES learn, although it takes awhile, keeps me around.
As for the rest of our life. Actually, he can read me more than I thought. He brought up things in therapy that I seriously thought he didn't "see". But he saw them 100% clearly. I was amazed. So, I know he's not as "dense" as I thought.
I just need to let him go at his rate in bed. Sorta. hehehe. I can't wait 10 years just to try something risque. hehehe. But he IS opening up....obviously.
Thanks. And I am going to talk to him this weekend. About what he's willing to do, not willing to do. HOw open he is to new things, etc. I mean, heck, I know he likes to be tied up, so it's not like he's ultra conservative.
But, I also JUST FOUND OUT, he feels rejected when I laugh because he's touching me in a ticklish spot. Yes, that is HIS thing to work on, but because he rarely says anything to me, I never know. And I had to talk to him about "day-to-day" things, as you said, different days, you like and react differently. But with him, I think his X's ALL acted the same each and everytime, and to be frank, I think they were faking for the most part. Why? Because, to do the same thing day in day out, and having sex with them every day, I doubt they could get off on the same thing all the time. Because, as you said, our wants change daily, even by the minute.
We had a talk the other night, but it was also about 3am. So this time, I'm going to talk to him, too bad I'm going to spring it on him, he'll hate that. But I'll see what I can do.
Thanks again.
Sexually, yes, I could be with the wrong guy....or he needs to be opened REAL slowly w/o me breaking anything.
But otherwise, no, he's not the wrong guy. And to be frank, I don't want to defend him. I'm with him, I'm not goign to dump him, so can we please stop talking about how wrong he is for me.
I have been thru this with some X-good friends because they honestly didn't think I should be with him and to be frank, just because two people are opposites, doesn't mean they are wrong for each other. It just means it may take some time to find that balance, but it CAN be found...and we've found it in the rest of our life. I was with a man who fit me PERFECTLY sexually, guess what? Our marriage blew up in our face because outside of the bedroom, there was a lot of love but not a lot of compatibility. With my bf, there's a lot of compatibility outside the bedroom, but inside, we're working on it.
Sorry. I'm just getting really tired of everyone saying we're SO WRONG for each other just because we don't click from day one. I don't believe in "clicking and knowing" he's right for you. I do, however, believe in compatibility, friendship, love, and two ppl being willing to work on things.
I didnt' come here to be lectured on how he's not for me. I did come here to find out how to talk to him about this, what's going on, and how to approach him about this. Because we love each other and are willing to work on things, I KNEW I needed to talk to him, but how was the question. NOT because I'm scared, per se, but because it's a delicate subject and I don't want him to feel like less of a man in anyway.
And btw. what IS the perfect couple? We all thought my bf and his xw were the perfect couple. They had a lot in common, were always happy, did all they wanted, had money, had the life everyone wanted in their mid-20's. They were so in love......and then in the end. She got wild, cheated, and their marriage ended after 1 year. So, what is the perfect couple? there are none. EVERY couple has problems. It's how you handle them that makes you a good couple or not. We handle ours gracefully, and we smooth them out to make the road easier....and it's worked. So please, stop telling me he's the wrong man. Because no man I have been with, even though we clicked, or it felt right, or i just KNEW, ever came this close to being compatible and willing to work on things to the extent that he has....with me.
sorry. just tired of all this nonsense of "he's not the one for you because you two aren't in perfect unison in your relationship" what a bunch of bs.
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