Is he cheating?
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| Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:16pm |
Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I and my BF of 10 months have been apart, other than being at work. Last night when he got home, we were starting to mess around. I know he had been outside and had not showered since the morning. I started to give him oral and noticed that there was a difference in feel and odor. I can swear by this ... there was a faint odor of how a woman would smell down there. There is no other way to explain it except to say that it smelled like a woman's crotch.
Is that normal for guys or should I be concerned about him being unfaithful? I stopped because I had so many thoughts running through my head. I'm not a paranoid or jealous person. I've never had any reason to believe he would cheat before ... he kisses the ground I walk on.
When I stopped, it's like he knew something was wrong and he told me that I didn't have to do that if I didn't want to. Now, that's the first time he'd EVER said that! I'd like to think that he just felt dirty from being out and about all day. I stopped and we had sex then and again right before we went to bed.
Could someone give some advice other than that I should ask him about it? It was talked about a little but I'm still so cynical.

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You said that this was your first day apart, correct? Well, perhaps that has you a little paranoid and on edge? Therefore, with that being said, suspicions tend to occur and then you start looking for reasons and all of a sudden finding them. I'm saying that YOU are actually doing it, but in cases where cheating doesn't actually occur, this happens.
You said that he was at different family members' houses working outside, right? Then when did he have time to cheat? Perhaps what you smelt on him was you? If he's got the appetite you say he does, then perhaps you just smelt left-over you? He was working, so I'm sure that builds up a sweat underneath all those clothes. And sweat doesn't always smell that nasty, ya know? :)
Of course he'd reply in anger. I'd be angry if my DH accussed me of cheating. He got angry when I accussed him of cheating. But, don't leap to that stone without the others in place. Usually, there is more evidence of cheating than smell. Staying out late, odd phone calls, hang-up phone calls when you answer, coming home and immediately taking a shower (not a great indicator because my DH will do it after a hard day at work), lack of affection/sex, staying late at work to be with the other person, needing to separate "to have space." Talk to him again w/o accussing him. Chances are, its the product of an over-active imagination.
Since my last post, we've discussed it a little and aren't on very good terms. He recognized immediately that something was wrong with me and I reminded him of what it was. I told him that I've never doubted him until that happened. Now, when adding that situation in with things I'm recognizing ... it makes me suspicious - how he leaves his phone in his truck or has it on vibrate or off. When making some phone calls to "family" he goes outside; his jealousy and accusations ... asking me when I'll be home when he knows I get off at 5 without fail every day. And after 10 months, I'm just beginning to realize that he doesn't mind telling little white lies about unrelated things.
I know it's hard to give advice without living in the person's world and being able to see the entire picture as it is.
Idea from the Mrs. last night was to put yourself in your own shoes, sorta speak. In other words, pretend that a friend of yours, said the same things to you that you have said to us.
Now, tell us, what would advise ? See, we can give you plenty of different experiences and ideas that relate, but only know full hand what you feel and recognize and etc. etc.
Just an idea she had. I thought it was a pretty good one actually.
C H A R A C T E R
Not so. Not so. Before I begin, I leave my cell phone in the car. If I don't leave it there, I'm bound to forget. Second, I always ask my DH when he gets home. I just like to know when to expect him. Its a habit.
Before my DH and I were married, before we were engaged, while we were just dating...My DH would "go outside to check the mail" and not come back for two/three hours. He'd go outside to "take the trash to the dump and smoke" and not come back for two/three hours. His phone once rang at midnight and he had to "go kill a bug for "B" because she was afraid of bugs." He came back two hours later. He would go have "the missionaries cut his hair for him" but "I wasn't allowed to go because I didn't like his friends" and not come back for two/three hours. I was mad as hell each time he did it. I don't think there wasn't an item in the apartment that I hadn't thrown into the wall, imagining it was his head. His phone would ring and he'd answer it. He'd go into the bedroom and I'd follow and listen. In my mind, I was right to follow. He even took her to a concert! Then one night, after he lost his wallet (which he had left on top of the car and I told him this several times), I was left to watch his daughter while he got to play with his friends. I was so angry, but I didn't want his little girl to see. She was jumping on the bed. On top of the dresser was a box of condoms that he and I were using. I scooped them into the dresser because I didn't want DD to see them. The bed was right next to the dresser and she could have seen them. As I was putting them into the drawer, I noticed a letter. Against all that I'd ever been taught about invading privacy, I read the letter. I regret doing it. I learned so much in one letter than I have in 22 years of life. It was dated for two days after I had gotten back from my dad's funeral. She was offering to cuddle with him, watch a movie with him..That he made her feel so good. That when she said she wanted to be just friends, she lied. That she wanted more with him. And all this the day after my husband had told me he was in love with me and wanted a future together. I can't tell you the crushing pain I felt. I put the letter away. I called my friend who begged me to leave him. She was my confidant the whole time he was off with her. I couldn't leave him because I love him and I love DD. I couldn't leave because I had no car (mine as in the shop) but because I just couldn't. He came back in and took one look at me. He knew that something was so not right. All I did was look at him and the next words out his mouth were "Nothing's going on." Uh huh, right. I told him it was me or her, that it couldn't be both. At that moment in time, alot of things clicked together. Him telling me I could sleep with other people, how calm he was when I was sexually harassed at work, how he didn't care if I talked to my ex-boyfriend on the phone..Why would he care? He was doing worse, right? I gave him an ultimatum. Me or her. It obviously wasn't her, but it took one more time of "helping her put her new computer together" to just end it all. Especially after he brought her and her roommate over to show them the newly redecorated bathroom THAT I PAID for. All the new stuff he was showing off, I PAID FOR! The bills he couldn't pay for, I TOOK CARE OF! I was paying his daughter's daycare! That night was the end. I was in the bedroom with a monster migraine, crying my eyes out when I heard those girls. I got so angry I stormed out of the bedroom. "B" took one look at me, grabbed her roommate and left. DH was speechless. He said, "I was being a help to her." And I said, "And, I was being hurt. Is this your way to tell me you love me?" I told him that I would seriously take a permanent marker and write F* You all over the walls before I grabbed my gear and left. That he had to choose yet again between that %^$@()$* and me. He chose me. He chose wisely. To this day, he insists that he never once had sex with another woman while with me. She never says anything. I've confronted her twice. Of course I did say, "I'm so sorry for being so cruel to you while you were only trying to be my friend, stab me in the back, and steal my boyfriend at the same time." I don't talk to her. I don't like her. We've moved from that complex to this. But, to this day, I still see red. I lost trust in my DH for that. And I must be honest, I don't feel very secure in my relationship with him. It couldn't happen again. I don't trust him as much as I am capable of. Especially after the comment he made about some young twenties moving into the complex. He said, "Well, how pretty are they?" My answer? I slapped him. Don't tell a woman who's 7.5 months pregnant that.
Maybe the circumstances are different, but I think your judgement is a little clouded after what has been posted in response to your paranoia. I always thought that light jealousy was good. It meant he felt emotion.
Let me start by saying that i'm a very jealous and paranoid person. i used to always worry about my bf of 3 years cheating on me, and i would confront him about it. when i stopped to think about it, deep down i knew he really wasn't cheating on me. i still worry about him being interested in other girls, but i'm confident that he is not cheating, because that's just not his personality. (if he wanted someone else, he would just leave and be with them.) you need to take at look at your bf and ask yourself if he's really the type to cheat. only you can answer that. in terms of the smell/feel that you noticed, i've noticed the same thing. it freaked me out too. but i also noticed that sometimes it smelled/felt like that on saturday afternoons/evenings, after he and i had been together since friday afternoon. sometimes when guys don't shower and get sweaty, they can smell similar to a woman's scent down there too. Ask yourself if maybe this was just an unfamiliar smell to you because your bf is always clean and non-sweaty when you see each other. usually the first year of the relationship, guys will go all out. then when they start getting comfortable with you and your relationship, they start to act more the way they want to. (as in, in the beginning he's making sure his junk doesn't stink, but then when he starts to feel like you won't get grossed out and dump him over something this minimal, he stops feeling obligated to be all clean and dolled up to impress you)
try not to be jealous and paranoid. i wouldn't recommend confronting him over this one thing, especially if he treats you so well. my guess is that he's just getting comfortable with you, and that smell you noticed is just his man smell (i know, it can be gross sometimes).
Don't you think that by telling her that he's cheating is only going to cause the paranioa to get worse? By telling her he's cheating, she's only going to see things that aren't there. The more she sees, the more problems there will be in the relationship. If he says he isn't cheating and there isn't any sufficient evidence, I'd leave it alone. By constantly accussing him, it only makes it worse.
To the OP, I talked to my DH about this all last night, and he said that it is possible for a woman's scent to last on a man for awhile even after he's showered, so its possible that you were smelling you. He said, with that aside, sometimes when you're out working and you get sweaty you can have a scent familiar to that of a woman. I think you're being paranoid. Forget the jealousy on his part. My DH gets jealous if a man so much as crosses an eye at me. Its sweet and I don't mind it. I think you're going to wind up ruining the relationship if you keep this up. If you love him and trust him and he's never done anything to arouse suspicion before, I'd leave it be. You're going to mess it up, especially if he's not doing anything wrong.
Thanks for that! You make a lot of sense.
I do want to reply to your comment about him being jealous. It is more than just jealousy. It's to a point where he accuses me of making phone calls to an imaginary man, having an affair with my boss, or being with my ex (whom I haven't seen or spoken to in at least a year).
But, the fact remains that I love him and have always trusted him before ... so, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and go on sincerely nurting a healthy and happy relationship.
Dear Wayward child,
There are many more signs of your man cheating that may be there if in fact he is cheating. There are also possiblities of any odor that he had being compelely innocent. Look for other signs before you cause yourself heartache. Some other signs are staying late at work, not as interested in an intimate relationship with you as he used to be, or doing things during sex he never did before like trying new things that he may have learned somewhere else.
Protect yourself!!! If he has had an affair you could be at risk for sexually transimitted infections and such. Which would be a BIG clue to his infidelity, of course. Be aware of changes in him that are sure tell signs.
Good luck to you, I too sometimes feel I have been cheated on but so far the signs I believe I have seen have resonable excuses. But, I do keep my eyes, ears and common sense open.
Nezeeann
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