he doesn't come...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
he doesn't come...
11
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:08pm

Hello all,

I'm a college girl with a bit of a problem...I'm with a guy right now whom I've known since the beginning of the schoolyear. We're pretty good friends and I like him a lot -- he's just generally fun to be around and we have a good time. We're not really extremely serious because we are both leaving for other countries this summer and will be in our respective locations for at least the next year. We have, however started having sex and, try as we might, HE NEVER COMES.

I have really never been able to come as a result of intercourse, so it's like that's a non-issue in this. It's just that every time he doesn't finish, it makes me feel so useless. From what he's said, he's been with quite a few girls in the past (a lot of them were drunken ordeals...) and he's not really had this problem. I just feel like I must be a lot fatter than them and in the past few weeks I've just started feeling completely unattractive. There are only about 3 weeks left before we go away, so I can deal...I'm just tired of feeling like crap, even though he assures me that it's not my fault. :-/

Anyone else have this problem?

~E

Pages

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:00pm

First, this is HIS problem, it's a casual relationship, he didn't ask for your help to find a solution, so let him deal with it.

Secondly, BELIEVE what he's told you, it's not your fault and it has nothing to do with your attractiveness! IF it did, he couldn't get aroused at all!

Third, ejaculation problems can happen to men for many reasons, so don't assume that it has anything to do with you. 99.9% of the time, it doesn't.

Sounds to me like this is more an inability to finish SOBER than with anything you are doing wrong.




Edited 4/19/2005 1:18 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:07pm
have you tried oral stimulation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:16pm

Yeah that's the other thing...I have given him oral and that hasn't worked either. I've never given a blow job that hasn't...you know...worked out.

~E

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 5:01pm
And that's not unusual either. Many, many men are unable to finish with oral stimulation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 5:59pm
how about anal play?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:31am

Where did you get the idea that you, or anything that you do, or don't do, or how thin or fat you are have ANYTHING to do with whether or not he is able to ejaculate? You have nothing to do with it, anymore than he has anything to do with whether or not you have an orgasm. This is HIS problem. If he wasn't attracted to you in some way, he wouldn't get an erection.

As katmandoo mentioned, sounds like he can only finish when he's drunk....and loses his inhibitions. This is something that he has to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 7:44pm

Dh has a real need for there to be an emotional attachement before he can have sex. We proably could have done it sooner than we did, but he wouldn't have come without that deep bond. Also, he often can't/won't come until I have. He has a real thing about making sure I"m satisfied first. If we have problems (he's taking forever, etc) then we switch, he pleasures me and then we go back to him and BINGO.


Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:16pm

I'd bet good money that he's just not quite over the whole idea that the two of you are going to be going your separate ways in three weeks time.

He's just not quite happy with how the relationship is going to end and that's got him stressed. So when he's stressed about the relationship and then he's in the middle of doing one of the most intimate things you can do in a relationship he just can't get there and orgasm. It's his mind controlling his matter, so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 9:54am
this is not your problem. I too had the same experience with a man I dated for a few
months, and of course, I thought it was "me" that I was not fulfilling his needs.
Found out that this man had alot going on in his mind, and dealing with issues,
and most of the time he didn't come when he was "tired" or too "drunk"...all these
come into play. I too have NEVER had a problem with my past lovers cumming, so
this kinda made me feel low...we talked it over, and realized it was HIM being
too tired, and him thinking too much about issues in his life. Why not talk over
the subject with him and see what he says. It is NOT you though!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 1:32pm
I recently slept with a man and after 45 minutes he still had not came. When I asked him why and explained to him how it made me feel he said he had held it back twice and that after that he just couldn't do it. Hope this helps

Pages