He doesn't touch me & sex is less

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
He doesn't touch me & sex is less
2
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:43pm

Hopefully this wont be too long and drawn out but I want to give you some background.
I meet this guy and we have been friends since April. We are both divorced. 37. I have kids, he doesn't. Strange we have been friends and one morning - just recently - I woke up and thought about how much I actually adore this man! It's crazy. He knows I like him. I don't think he knows that I like him as much as I do though. Or if he knows he doesn't show it. Could he be that clueless?

I am drawn / have a crush on this guy. What draws me to him? Well, I'm only human so I have to say his looks. I find him attractive (as I know looks fade and that makes me so shallow), But what I like about him is his intelligence, his sense of humor, he is sincere, full of passion (I don't mean sexual/bedroom stuff) He has an idea and a goal and just seeing him get excited over it. Its amazing. He's quiet yet outgoing. He's not pushy like most men I meet. I don't know. I just think he's something wonderful.

He told me I am nice, I have too much overhead (I don't know what that means - unless he means my kids), and that I am very easy to get along with.

Due to schedules we only got to see each other once a week. When we did we spent several hours together, eating, watching movies, having sex. When we did have sex the lights were off and he never touched me (other than my breasts). Now our sex is more like once a month rather than once a week yet we see each other more often. I really enjoy spending time with him. But I find it odd that he doesn't want sex often and when we have it he never touches me below the waist. Also when we kiss its just on the lips, never frenching or very passionate. Maybe its just his way...I don't know. Once when we were having sex he asked me to be more aggressive. I asked what he wanted but yet he didn't tell me.

On Monday I asked him for sex and he said no, we will do it tomorrow. So when Tuesday came he refused me again. He asked if I was mad at him and I said no. As I wasn't mad, just upset and feeling rejected. He doesn't kiss me bye. Just hugs me bye.

he went to go see his mom & brother and I picked him up at the airport after him being gone for a week. He casually hugged me. Before he left I got a card (a miss you card). And I poured my heart into it without being too mushy and without looking stupid. I hid it in his luggage for him to find while he was gone. He did and yesterday he said "I got that silly card you slipped into my luggage". Silly. Late he corrected himself and said it was nice. HE said his brother gave him heck over it. He said we could do something that night after he got settled. At about 9:30 he texted me and said we should plan on something the next evening. We did.

So I guess my questions are this: Why would a man not touch a woman? Does his behavior sound like he just wants to be friends? I asked if he was gay he said no, could he be lying? I don't know what to do. Any advice would be apprecaited.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 2:30pm

First of all, if he was GAY, he wouldn't have anything to do with you sexually. It is possible that he's bisexual though.

He may have several other sexual partners that you know nothing about which would explain his vague answers about frequency, get-togethers, etc.

BUT the only way to get the answers you're looking for is to ask HIM directly. No one can tell you why he does what he does, in bed or out. It's possible that he's just totally clueless about women and sexuality in general. But his not being interested in pleasing you sexually certainly isn't a good sign! It's very telling that he's asking YOU to be more aggressive in bed. Once again, it seems to be all about HIS experience, not yours.

From what you've shared, it sounds like this is just a convenient situation for him, which he obviously wants to keep on HIS terms. And it sounds like the fact that you have children will keep this from being anything more than that. That was likely what he meant by "overhead."

I think you need to have an honest and direct heart to heart with this guy. My question to you is why are you settling for this? Why not find someone who wants nothing more than to be with you ALL the time and who enjoys pleasing you in every way possible?




Edited 8/10/2006 9:25 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:36pm

The bisexual angle occurred to me, too. Maybe he prefers guys but for whatever reason is attempting to have a relationship with a woman. Who knows. There are guys who marry and later divorce citing their sexual orientation as the catalyst for ending the relationship. I know a guy, a really sweet and wonderful guy, who finally came to terms with his preference for men and went through a heart-wrenching divorce, kids and all, so he could be true to himself. It's very sad, but it happens.

I'd like to add that what you've seen so far of this guy, his sparkling personality, could be a facade and his little "slips"--the "silly card" and "too much overhead" comments--are his true nature coming through. I would heed these signs and I also echo Katmandoo's assertion that you're settling for less than what you deserve from a relationship. Life is too short to spend any of it with someone who frustrates you or whose behavior causes you to feel rejected. Relationships are supposed to be satisfying, you're supposed to feel secure and loved, most of the time.