he doesn't want sex from me anymore
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| Mon, 06-06-2005 - 6:33am |
Chad and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. Our sex life used to be so wonderful & passionate. Now I can't even remember the last time we had sex, let alone good sex. Our sex life is basically this: whenever HE wants it (which is only once a week, or once every two weeks), and foreplay? Forget about it. He has no interest in foreplay anymore. If there does happen to be any foreplay going on, it is I & I only who is performing it (either on him, or on myself solo). Hell, he doesn't even KISS me anymore let alone touch me, or all the other wonderful things that is supposed to happen during foreplay. Chad knows how much I love oral sex, (both performing and reciving), and it's the only way I've ever had an orgasm during sex... But - of course along with the many other curses upon our sex life, he doesn't like performing oral sex, so he just outright refuses to do it - except maybe on my birthday, or if I can get him really drunk.
Now that I've discussed foreplay, I'll move on to actual sex. WHEN we do have sex, it's on average of 2-5 minutes, total... that is, if he hasn't lost his erection (which happens quite often -- but we'll save that for another time). But when he actually manages to keep an erection there's no pacing himself or anything, it just seems like he wants to… get it over with as fast as possible. There's no touching, kissing, caressing or anything else like that during sex. We've even tried many different positions. Chad has lost his passion, and I feel like sex to him is a chore, and feels obligated to do it.
Is he getting the sex from someone else? Maybe he's even physically disgusted by me or something? Could he be secretly gay? Well, whichever the three it is (or all of the above) - he won't be honest about what the real prob is. Either way, I am FED UP. He constantly says that all I care about anymore is sex! Excuse me! I am 21 years old; he is 24 shouldn't this be the times in our lives where sex is just like... all-the-time, passionate, all-over the place, with candles, bubble baths, massage oils, dirty talk, expirmenting, etc???? I think the last time he actually initiated sex was over 3 years ago! I have to initiate it all, and frankly I am sick and tired of the rejection!!! Everytime I initiate, he's never in the mood for it. It's like he tries to go as long as he can without sex, then when he absolutly needs it, then it's, "take off your pants." And the things he does in bed, or lack thereof - just turns me off even more, so I'm at the end of my ropes. When we do have sex, I'm not even enjoying it, so what is the point of trying anymore?
I should probably mention that I have an ex-lover who's number I still happen to have memorized in my mind, that I am tempted to call him every damn day just so I can make love with SOMEBODY! I feel so unloved! My ex-lover knows exactly how to please me, and I know he is just a phone call away which just makes everything even worse. I dont' want to make our relationship worse than it already is, espically by being unfaithful; but I can't deny I've been talking to the ex about hooking up... even if it was to be only once. But I guess what stops me every time, or makes me cancel plans w/ him is that fact that I know cheating doesn't solve anything, in fact it just makes things worse. So what the hell do I do? I'm at the end of my ropes with Chad sexually. I can't take it anymore!!! I don't think I can stop myself from cancling plans with the ex-lover next time... I really don't.
Everything I am typing here to you guys I have talked with him many times, and we never get anywhere. It always comes back onto me..... He claims it's my fault because I'm not working and it's hurting us financially, and I don't put on makeup or get dressed up anymore... I don't wear makeup, do my hair, or wear anything other than granny-panties, sweats and t-shirt with my hair in a pony tail because, to be quite frank, who do I have to impress anymore? Him? That's a laugh. What's the damn point? Our sex life went down the tube long before I stopped looking nice for him. And believe me, I tried dressing sexy again the way I used to and things were exactly the same. He was still not interested in me.
Why is someone who used to be so AWSOME in bed, now totally boring and just plain AWFUL? And if it's like this now, I can't even begin to imagine what it's gonna be like for us when we're in our 40s or 50s… if we even get there, that is. Any input on my situation would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks and sorry for the length of this topic,
Lauren

What
If he treats you this way sexually, how does he treat you the rest of the time, OUT of the bedroom? For one thing, he's obviously stressed out financially, since he wants you to work.......Why don't you get a job?
Whether or not you are working, you don't have to be a "slob".....You can still dress decently, and wear a little lipstick, or something that would make him think you care how you look. In fact, you should be doing that for YOURSELF....it's called having pride in your appearance. You dress like a slob, pretty soon you start feeling like a slob!
Your three hypotheses are just that....and have no basis in fact. Just because he's not all over you doesn't mean he's getting it elsewhere (in fact, cheaters are usually MORE attentive at home, to lessen the suspicion) or that he's gay. If he was gay, you'd know it. He's no longer attracted to you, well, he's said that, hasn't he? (see the above paragraph)
You two have some big problems, and if you can't communicate about them, they're only going to get bigger. If there are financial problems, then getting a job would relieve some of that. If you've become slovenly about yourself, cleaning up your act would probably help.
If nothing helps, then it's time to end the relationship and move on. Forget about the ex, unless you're free to become involved with him. Right now, the last thing you need is to bring a third party into this mess. Fix the problems, if they can't be fixed, move on.
Dear Lauren,
Tish and GTB had some great suggestions and some great questions. While reading your post, my first thought was the same as Tish: How is the rest of your relationship? Sex is about 10% of a relationship, but if there are problems in other areas, sex becomes 90%.
In relationships, there is no such thing as a problem with just one partner...we are mirrors of each other in many ways and it's human nature to project all kinds of problems on the other. Sex is a small part of intimacy, but often it is a barometer of problems within a relationship. In other words, the sex problems are a tool to discover where the two of you need to grow together. If you simply focus on "what's wrong with him" or what is wrong with your sex life...then the problem will never go away. It may change into something else, but it will essentially remain the same.
Do you talk to each other? Share you dreams, your hopes and your shared past together? These things are at the heart of growing together. WIthout this sex is just masturbation with a partner and it WILL become boring...no matter how much technique or fantasy you use.
I am a little confused about this "former lover"...if you have been with your current boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and you are currently 21 (that would make you about 16 at the beginning of this relationship) how many former lovers could you have? And if so you had them when you were a child? Or you had an affair...in which case, whether he knows about it on a conscious level or not it affects the relationship profoundly!
If you want to fix this relationship, fix it...If it is not possible, then move on and put your attention on something new. Focusing on an old lover (while this is a very human thing to do) will do absolutely nothing other than make it almost impossible to get your needs met within this relationship.
Good luck.
Scott.
PS - 21 is still VERY young, and some of the ideas that you are expressing are VERY young. Maybe you're not ready for a committed relationship?