he just won't fit!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
he just won't fit!
10
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 11:42pm
Okay, this is so embarassing and distressing. I have a boyfriend who i haven't slept with yet (I'm still a virgin). Well the other night i thought i was ready to do it, but it seems we just arent physically able to! I'm really small down there being as i've never done it before, and he's EXTREMELY..uhh well-endowed...like intimidatingly thick. ANd when we tried to have sex he just couldn't fit into me, and it hurt a lot! I guess i'm still a virgin cuz he wasn't able to acheive penetration, but now i feel really battered down there from his attempts. I don't even want to try it again, but i'm not sure what to do.Aaargh...he even said he wished he wasn't my first, because he's frusterated. Is this just a matter of being properly aroused during foreplay to make it easier for penetration, or is it possible we're just physically completely incompatible???? Help anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:35am

HOw much "foreplay" was there before he tried to enter you? If he's like most young guys, there wasn't any, or there definitely wasn't enough! It takes a lot more than being "willing" or thinking that you're ready for this step.

Whether or not you're a virgin, you need foreplay.....which relaxes you, arouses you, and gets your lubrication going. Being a virgin, you're nervous.....and even with foreplay it's going to be hard to relax the first few times.....partly because you're just nervous, and partly because you think he's so big, that it scares you. Now that you've had this bad experience, it will probably be worse the next time. Also, was he wearing a condom, or are you on b/c?

Believe it or not, your vagina will expand to a size big enough to allow you to deliver a baby thru it (and the pain you hear about in childbirth has NOTHING to do with the vagina, it's the uterus cramping to expell the baby!) and he's definitely not bigger than a full term baby!

Check this website so you understand more how your vagina works, how important foreplay is, and what you need to do: www.the-clitoris.com Have HIM read it too!

Also, all beginners should have some lubricant handy, because almost everyone needs it in the beginning.....get some KY or Astroglide, and USE it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:16am
Thanks for your advice!
The thing is, he's 27, so he's had plenty of experience, so its probably not a matter of him not knowing what he's doing or how to do proper foreplay. I'm only 21. I've had enough experience with men to know this one is much bigger than average.
I really don't know if there was enough foreplay, that could be it, but i thought i was pretty ready for it, and we did use lube. he just...wouldn't fit! Furthermore, i think he ripped me a little trying to penetrate, because it feels like there's been a tear down there and it hurts...this whole thing is just very awekward and not how i wanted myfirst time to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 2:01am

I think that you need more foreplay and some lube and patience. There is a good chance that you were unconciously tense after you realised how big he was and that won't have helped matters at all. The vagina is capable of stretching to some quite amazing sizes given enough preparation, time, arousal and lubrication. There is no question whether or not he can get inside you - he can. It just might take some time and practice. You might have some issues with him thrusting deeply once he's in though. Width rarely seems to be a problem, length can be an issue if he hits your cervix in some positions and that can be uncomfortable or even painful if he's not careful.

Give yourself plenty of time to heal up and try again. This time just take your time and use lots of lube and when you think that your ready, take some MORE time and go really slowly. Don't let him batter his way in (and even if he's experienced he might try to rush things).

No, it probably won't be very spontaneous, but you'll discover that he WILL fit, that it CAN feel good, and that you can both enjoy sex :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:03am

"Experience" does NOT equal "knowledge". Guys can live to 90 and STILL not know what it takes to get a woman ready for sex. If he was with experienced women.....they didn't need the same kind of patience you did/do. Many guys have NO idea what it takes to make a woman ready for sex. It is a LOT more than her saying "I'm ready". The fact that he tried to FORCE himself into you....and probably tore you in the process shows that he doesn't have a clue about what he's doing. (or he really just doesn't CARE, as long as he "gets his".)

A man who understands a woman's body would NEVER try to force himself into you. So, his "experience" means nothing. This is your body, and you need to understand it, and then you need to make HIM understand it. It's too bad that your "first time" was so unpleasant, but believe it or not, most "first times" are NOT that great. They're certainly not what you see in the movies, or read in romance novels.

And guess what, eventually, if you're with another man, it will be a "new experience" and a "first time" all over again......because all men are different, and so are all women. If a guy who's been with many women assumes that what worked for his last g/f will work for you, he's sadly mistaken. And once you find out what this guy likes and enjoys......if you're with someone else, he will probably like and enjoy different things.

Check out the website that I gave you. Have HIM check it too. It explains a LOT about the female sexual response, and it can help you understand what you need to do, what you shouldn't let HIM do, and what to do to make it better.

There are lots of sexual things you can do that can give you and him just as much pleasure as intercourse. Don't rush it, and don't feel that you HAVE to do it. When you're REALLY ready, it will work. If you try, and it's painful, then STOP....and go back to foreplay. YOu can always try the next time.

PS: Don't worry about the soreness. It will go away in a few days. Our bodies heal very easily from things like this. If it still hurts after a week, then call your doctor, and have him/her look at it. And DEFINITELY don't try again as long as you're still sore, which means you haven't healed, and you will make it worse.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:21pm

As dakine said, check out the website together so that he understands female sexuality & physiology.

Keep using the lube but you tell HIM when you're ready, not the other way around.

Normally, it's best to spend a LOT of time in foreplay and perhaps, even having an orgasm or two from oral or manual stimulation before attempting intercourse for the 1st time.

You WILL be anxious the next time, so it's best to be as aroused & lubricated as possible before attempting penetration again, and even then, take it very SLOWLY and gently.

I would suggest having your gyno take a look at the possible damage you may have so that you don't make the same mistake twice.




Edited 8/18/2006 12:24 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 7:25pm
This is true, a woman needs foreplay to be ready for intercourse. He can't just enter you when you are not ready no matter what his size. I always gave lots of foreplay to my friend when we were together, and I would only perform oral on her or have intercourse with her when she was ready and she has plenty of lubrication so that wasn't the problem with us at least. So talk to him and make sure you both have plenty of foreplay, the entire body is an erogenous zone, you should both take advantage of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 10:07am
He really sounds like he doesn't know what he's doing at all. You know you've had enough foreplay if and only if you have already had at least one orgasm before even attempting intercourse. If that happens and you use lubricant and still can't have intercourse, then that's when you know you should talk to your doctor. You could have an unusually thick hymen that is keeping you from being able to have sex. If what he's doing hurts a lot, then that's a clear sign that something is wrong and he needs to stop immediately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 6:26pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 8:48pm

I understand that there are women who are physically unable to have orgasms, and that such women can still be able to enjoy sex. It was not my intent to offend someone who might have that condition.

There however lots of men out there who are selfish, and who rush to start having intercourse, and then roll over and go to sleep after they finish. Men like that love to quote the fact that women don't need orgasms at all, should be able to enjoy sex anyway, and are selfish to even ask for anything more. Of course a woman doesn't need an orgasm, but if she is physically capable, then it isn't too much to ask, especially not if the man has one every single time they have sex.

A woman's first time to have sex is certainly a time that she shouldn't be expected to immediately be ready for intercourse without any effort whatsoever from him to at the least try to help her to feel good and aroused. The original poster's boyfriend at the very least sounds like he might be in too much of a hurry, besides being way too rough with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 9:10pm

I was only disagreeing with you saying if and only if you have at least one orgasm


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd