Is he telling the truth???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Is he telling the truth???
10
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:58pm

Hi,

I have been with my b/f for about 6 months now. When we first got together his sex drive was amazing, which is great because I have a fairly high sex drive myself. As time has gone on his sex drive is decreasing....a lot. Mine on the other hand is increasing!!! As our relationship grows and my feelings for him grow as well I WANT to have sex more often, I love being with him that way. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to have sex as often anymore. We see each other about 4 times a week, he will want to have sex once out of those days. He used to be the one putting on the moves...now its me. He used to like to cuddle afterwards, not anymore. I dont know..I guess I feel like this means he is losing interest. I have asked him this question but he says that he just enjoys doing other things with me and that sex is not as important anymore. Am I reading too much into this? Could me pressuring the issue actually be turning him off of sex?? Any suggestions, comments or advice would be great. Thanx a bunch

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:18pm

IMO, yes, he probably is telling you the truth. Why would you feel better knowing that his primary interest in you was sexual anyway? THAT would concern me, frankly.

No, IMO, he's saying that he enjoys being with you in many ways, that sex is just an expression of his physical interest but that your relationship is more than that. I'm sure he wants to spend time getting to know YOU, not just your body.

And after the hormones stop raging as much in a new relationship, one's TRUE libido will emerge and typically, adjustments and compromises have to be made.

But if you aren't getting enough sex, than ask for more. He'll probably agree to one more time a week and then, you can supplement with masturbation. Few couples have the same libido once the hormones of new love die down though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:42pm
That is true, I would NOT want him to be interested only in sex. I guess Im just worrying about it too much? When I am in a relationship I enjoy spending time with one another, watching movies, cooking dinner together etc....but I also think sex can be part of each night spent together. Maybe he just sees it differently and that is ok. I have asked him for more sex though, he just gets sort of angry, assuming that IM only interested in him for that. Of course I have assured him that is not the case. I cant help but feel not wanted. Or like Im losing my appeal....maybe that is just my own insecurities. So losing interest in sex doesnt mean he is losing interest in me? or maybe getting it somewhere else????
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:11pm

Is it possible that sex isn't as high on his list of relationship priorities as it is on yours?

I would suggest you pick out a time together to discuss this issue, let each other know your respective feelings and needs, and then determine if they can be met together.

From what you said earlier, it sounds as if you have a more frequent need for sex than he does, in which case you're not likely compatible in that way.

Incidentally, what makes you question his honesty?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:15pm

Just because he's cooled down a bit doesn't mean that he's getting it elsewhere. Anything is possible, of course, and only HE knows what he does when he's not with you but if you've trusted him up to this point, why start distrusting him now?

So no, just because he's not interested in having rabbit sex anymore, doesn't mean that he's losing interest in you. This does deserve further discussion though. And if he tries to get out of it by using anger, than that's not fair and it's manipulative.

Tell him that you feel frustrated by not being able to have sex more often and ask him to compromise with you. IF he refuses, well, then you may be getting some insight into what kind of a partner he really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:41am
well....i got my answer last night. I guess the whole sex issue WAS an indication that he was losing interest. We broke up. He called me and told me we had to talk. He said he wanted to cut back on the relationship and take things less seriously. He said he wanted to spend only one, maybe two, days a week with me and see where things go. This was a huge shock because he told me less than two weeks ago that he loved me. I dont know what happened. He said hes getting scared...scared of committment, and wants to take things a lot slower. Or just be friends. I CANT believe he suggested being just friends. I took that as an insult, and that hes just not that into me. So I told him that I cant see him anymore, and he said that was ok. No fight, he was fine with that. What do you think? Should I stick around and see him once or twice a week until he feels ready to see me more often? Or is that a waste of time? Maybe hes using me? I dont know....now im really confused.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:10am

I'm sorry to hear it.

But I think you need to stick to your word and move on.

IF he's not willing to work on his commitment issues but instead, pull back from the relationship, for his own comfort & convenience, then why put all your eggs into THAT basket? IF he truly has these issues, then you would likely be wasting your time.

It's possible that he met someone else and he's now pursuing her.

No, I don't think it's wise to waste any more time on someone who obviously has no problem saying "I love you" and sending mixed messages. Who needs that manipulation?




Edited 7/26/2006 10:15 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:44pm
that is true. He IS NOT making an effort to work on his issues. Instead he is just avoiding the situation by spending very little time together. He argues that he just wants to take things slow and that there is nothing wrong with it. He says maybe in time things will change as the relationship grows. I dont know though. Should you wait around for a guy? The problem is that I like him. A lot. Its not love, but it was getting there for me. Why do I feel like I should settle and do what he wants? Is that wrong? I guess so....but its hard to convince myself of that.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 6:59pm

You'll have to decide for yourself if he's worth risking potential heartbreak over.

But I think he's told you how important you are to him by pulling away and limiting your time together even more.

Plus, not making the effort to work on his problems. If that's really the issue at all. Either way, not a good sign. If he cared enough, he would do whatever he had to, to be with you.

Your 1st instinct might be to settle just to hang on to him, but personally, I don't think it ever gets you anywhere if someone is pulling away.

I would suggest reading "He's Just Not That Into You." Might open your eyes to the ways that guys deal with messy breakups.




Edited 7/26/2006 7:01 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:56am
I have read that book...haha. My friend lent it to me last summer. I know that he could definately be putting more effort into this. I know most women probably would just say "see ya". But do you think that maybe there is potential to have something great if I stay with him, give him the space he needs, and see where the relationship goes? Or do you think that a man should be 100% interested from day 1??? Or, can this build with time??
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 12:49pm

This is what I've learned after being married almost 30 yrs. and raising two sons....men, generally speaking, are pretty simple creatures, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all. They don't like complications & drama and will avoid that at all costs.

A great way to ease out of a relationship and avoid the drama, tears, etc is to make YOU break up with them by not being a good BF.

But if they want something, they will fight to get it and then keep it. That includes partners. I think your BF's actions make the intent of all this pretty clear.

He was easing himself out, little by little, rather than being honest and upfront and that's why he didn't argue with you when you said that you weren't willing to settle for seeing him once a week. He knew you wouldn't be.

So yes, if a man is interested from day 1, he will STAY interested if he is happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But if this guy wants to try it again in the future and you're still interested, willing, and available, then you can always try it again. My suspicion is that you will have already found a truly satisfying relationship with someone who makes you feel special and wanted ALL the time, not just when he's available and interested.

But hanging on to a guy who wants to end it, only makes you look desperate and insecure and that's NOT sexy or appealing to any man.




Edited 7/27/2006 5:10 pm ET by katmandoo2001