Is he telling the truth???
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| Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:58pm |
Hi,
I have been with my b/f for about 6 months now. When we first got together his sex drive was amazing, which is great because I have a fairly high sex drive myself. As time has gone on his sex drive is decreasing....a lot. Mine on the other hand is increasing!!! As our relationship grows and my feelings for him grow as well I WANT to have sex more often, I love being with him that way. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to have sex as often anymore. We see each other about 4 times a week, he will want to have sex once out of those days. He used to be the one putting on the moves...now its me. He used to like to cuddle afterwards, not anymore. I dont know..I guess I feel like this means he is losing interest. I have asked him this question but he says that he just enjoys doing other things with me and that sex is not as important anymore. Am I reading too much into this? Could me pressuring the issue actually be turning him off of sex?? Any suggestions, comments or advice would be great. Thanx a bunch

IMO, yes, he probably is telling you the truth. Why would you feel better knowing that his primary interest in you was sexual anyway? THAT would concern me, frankly.
No, IMO, he's saying that he enjoys being with you in many ways, that sex is just an expression of his physical interest but that your relationship is more than that. I'm sure he wants to spend time getting to know YOU, not just your body.
And after the hormones stop raging as much in a new relationship, one's TRUE libido will emerge and typically, adjustments and compromises have to be made.
But if you aren't getting enough sex, than ask for more. He'll probably agree to one more time a week and then, you can supplement with masturbation. Few couples have the same libido once the hormones of new love die down though.
Is it possible that sex isn't as high on his list of relationship priorities as it is on yours?
I would suggest you pick out a time together to discuss this issue, let each other know your respective feelings and needs, and then determine if they can be met together.
From what you said earlier, it sounds as if you have a more frequent need for sex than he does, in which case you're not likely compatible in that way.
Incidentally, what makes you question his honesty?
Just because he's cooled down a bit doesn't mean that he's getting it elsewhere. Anything is possible, of course, and only HE knows what he does when he's not with you but if you've trusted him up to this point, why start distrusting him now?
So no, just because he's not interested in having rabbit sex anymore, doesn't mean that he's losing interest in you. This does deserve further discussion though. And if he tries to get out of it by using anger, than that's not fair and it's manipulative.
Tell him that you feel frustrated by not being able to have sex more often and ask him to compromise with you. IF he refuses, well, then you may be getting some insight into what kind of a partner he really is.
I'm sorry to hear it.
But I think you need to stick to your word and move on.
IF he's not willing to work on his commitment issues but instead, pull back from the relationship, for his own comfort & convenience, then why put all your eggs into THAT basket? IF he truly has these issues, then you would likely be wasting your time.
It's possible that he met someone else and he's now pursuing her.
No, I don't think it's wise to waste any more time on someone who obviously has no problem saying "I love you" and sending mixed messages. Who needs that manipulation?
Edited 7/26/2006 10:15 am ET by katmandoo2001
You'll have to decide for yourself if he's worth risking potential heartbreak over.
But I think he's told you how important you are to him by pulling away and limiting your time together even more.
Plus, not making the effort to work on his problems. If that's really the issue at all. Either way, not a good sign. If he cared enough, he would do whatever he had to, to be with you.
Your 1st instinct might be to settle just to hang on to him, but personally, I don't think it ever gets you anywhere if someone is pulling away.
I would suggest reading "He's Just Not That Into You." Might open your eyes to the ways that guys deal with messy breakups.
Edited 7/26/2006 7:01 pm ET by katmandoo2001
This is what I've learned after being married almost 30 yrs. and raising two sons....men, generally speaking, are pretty simple creatures, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all. They don't like complications & drama and will avoid that at all costs.
A great way to ease out of a relationship and avoid the drama, tears, etc is to make YOU break up with them by not being a good BF.
But if they want something, they will fight to get it and then keep it. That includes partners. I think your BF's actions make the intent of all this pretty clear.
He was easing himself out, little by little, rather than being honest and upfront and that's why he didn't argue with you when you said that you weren't willing to settle for seeing him once a week. He knew you wouldn't be.
So yes, if a man is interested from day 1, he will STAY interested if he is happy and satisfied with the relationship.
But if this guy wants to try it again in the future and you're still interested, willing, and available, then you can always try it again. My suspicion is that you will have already found a truly satisfying relationship with someone who makes you feel special and wanted ALL the time, not just when he's available and interested.
But hanging on to a guy who wants to end it, only makes you look desperate and insecure and that's NOT sexy or appealing to any man.
Edited 7/27/2006 5:10 pm ET by katmandoo2001