He wouldn't make love last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
He wouldn't make love last night
9
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 9:50am

My BF and I have been together a little over 1 yr. We are in or 40's. We are monogomous and exclusive. We don't live together and don't see each other as much as we 'd like due to work schedules. We both travel. So when we do see each other it's a big deal on many levels.

Well, last night was the first time we had seen each other in week. I was so excited to see him. We planned a quiet evening at his house as we were both tired. We've done this a lot. We were watching TV when he said he was going up to bed. A little unusaul as we usally do some heavy foreplay before hand. I followed shortly.

When I got upstairs, he was in bed reading so I went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. When I came out he was all covered up and his eyes were closed. I went over and started kissing him when he broke it off and asked me some lame question about what my kids were doing. I answered and asked him if he was OK. He said he was sorry and that he was just really tired and seemed to go to sleep. I did notice that he was awake for some time after that.

OK, so maybe that doesn't seem so odd to some of you, but in all the time we've spent together he has NEVER done that before. He's come back on the red eye from the west coast and couldn't wait to jump my bones. Sometimes we have sex as soon as we see each other. We both take the intiative.

I didn't get a chance to pursue it further as I had to leave early this morning before he got up. Quite frankly, I didn't make an effort to wake him either. I was still a little boned about last night.

Do you think he just genuinely wasn't in the mood? I feel dejected. He has never resisted my advances before.

I know the "real" answers can only come form him, but I would like to know wht everyone thinks.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 9:55am

I think you're reading way too much into it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 10:18am

"I think you're reading way too much into it."

I thought I might be too. It just felt like a "slap in the face" to me.

I forgot to add that he slept unitl noon yestrday and he went to bed at 9:00pm last night, so that's why I had an issue with the "I'm tired" excuse. I would've preferred that he said he just didn't feel like it. I can understand that. It happens. Make sense?

Thanks.




Edited 8/21/2005 10:32 am ET ET by randomheart
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 10:55am

Why are you assuming him saying he was tired was an excuse, he could have really been tired.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 11:05am

Had he said that he "didn't feel like sex".......you STILL would have taken that as a "slap in the face". You still would have wondered why he didn't feel like sex. You are doing what most women do....making it all about yourself. Maybe it's because I gained two pounds last month! Maybe it's because (___fill in the blank___) He doesn't want sex, it must be about me! Maybe it IS.....but more than likely it's NOT about you.

Excessive sleeping, then going to bed and being unable to sleep.....the man has something on his mind. Is it about you? Maybe, but probably not. It's probably a problem at work, or with his children (does he have them?).

It only happened ONCE. Let it go. If it becomes a pattern, then it's time for a talk.....until then, as Tish said......it's not broke, so don't try to fix it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 11:46am

I SO wanted you all to be right. Unfortunatley, he just called me and said he was sorry about last night and he appoligized for not being honest. You see it's not about "me", but "us". (But doesn't that make it about "me", since "me" is a part of "us"?)

Apparently, we're not "on the same page" in our relationship. Apparently, it's something he's been thinking about for a while. He said we need to talk in person, but that's not going to happen until the end of the week. He refused to discuss it further on the phone. I think (feel) I'm being dumped.

So I guess, in this particular case, it was more than just being tired.

Our relationship is a whole different issue than I had originally posted about and perhaps, for a different board. (But your comments are welcomed!)

I thank you all for your thoughts and for taking the time to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 2:03pm

Awww, I'm sorry that's what was going on! That's the difficulty of these boards. WE don't know him. We can only guess. You, on the other hand, DO know him, and you sensed something was wrong. (I wondered about that, about him having a problem with the relationship, but didn't even want to go there, because it usually doesn't happen THAT fast......you sense something wrong for a while, not just one night!)

But it really still isn't about YOU.....it's about the relationship, of which you are only one half. If he isn't happy in the relationship, it's about HIM. You could be the most wonderful woman in the world, but if it's not there for him.....it's his problem.

If he's not happy, then you can't MAKE him happy, unless he has some specific thing that he wants changed, and that's not usually the case. Whenever a relationship ends, it's rarely a mutual thing. There's one that wants out, and one that doesn't. One that's happy it's about to be over, and one that's not.

Don't look at it as being "dumped" (IF that's what's going on), but look at it simply.....it just didn't work. You don't even KNOW that's what he's going to do. He might just want to talk about serious issues. Before you write the whole thing off, wait till you see what he has to say. Keep your composure, and see what happens. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:12pm

I was just about to make a post saying that you were having a *gut* feeling and that only you know what that feeling is like.

I'm so sorry.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 7:57am

Thanks dakine. Of course I'm hoping that he just wants to work on some issues, but it's that "gut feeling" that it's more.

Yes, you are right in assuming that something wasn't right for a while. I had chalked it up to stress at work and some issues he has with his adult children.

I would have preferred to talk it out on the phone on Sunday, or at least put down some kind of ground work. (He brought it up.) He didn't want to as he felt that we should talk in person so we could read body language, facial expressions etc. Also, he left on a business trip early this morning and he didn't want to have this "kind of talk" before leaving. Which makes me think it's not good news. Again,a gut feeling.

I aslo feel he wants some time to organize his thoughts. Maybe put together a good argumnet?

It's very hard for me. I have been out there dating for some time and thought I had finally found "the one". I don't hand out that title to just anyone!

But I am going to take your advice and I will try keep my composure.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 7:59am
Thanks. Yes, a gut feeling and not a good one.