Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Help
3
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 2:36pm
So i am a bit embarrassed. I recently started seeing someone and we have had sex which is great but i have a hard time orgasming...i always have. I especially have a hard time orgasming with oral sex, i have to try real hard and almost force it and i hate that, i dont enjoy myself at all. I have a hard time orgasming during intercourse unless i do it myself and that still takes awhile...i have actually kinda given up on me orgasming cuz i just dont really feel like i need it because i love the physical and sexual part without the orgasm. Anyways, i dont know how to talk to this guy about it cuz i am really embarrassed and sometimes that makes them try harder to "be the one" and i dont like that either, i feel put on the spot....i just want to have fun and enjoy the company and the moment. I also believe that alot of my having a hard time has to do with my sexual abuse which would be about 75% of my sexual experiences in life and i really dont know how to get over it. Although i seem very outgoing and into sex (i actually am) i also have alot of fears and insecurities about it. I am worried to talk to this guy about it because i dont think he has any idea where i would be coming from not having that kind of experience or not being around people who have had those types of experiences and i dont know that i am ready to divulge all that infor mation....man, what should i do???? uggg
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: singleme2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:25pm

Your problem is that you have been sexually abused, and you haven't resolved THAT....and if anything, your "orgasm problem" is a result of the fact that you haven't resolved the abuse problem.

I've never been sexually molested or abused, but I do know that those people who have had that happen to them cannot just "bury" it in their mind, because it won't STAY buried. You need some professional help to resolve it in your mind...and to understand that it wasn't your fault.

Until you do that, you won't be able to have a good relationship, let alone have orgasms. As far as the orgasms are concerned, MANY women who have never been abused don't have orgasms.....it's something that you have to LEARN, and learn to "allow"....and you'll never allow them to happen, because in your mind, that's giving up control, and as a formerly abused person, you will never give up the little control you have now.

You need to get yourself some help with resolving your abuse issues before you attempt to have a good relationship. Fix THAT, and probably you'll have orgasms. But, if you don't that isn't the end of the world, either.....and has nothing to do with your partner. Orgasms have nothing to do with how you feel about your partner, and any partner that doesn't understand that has problems of his own! Whatever you do, don't FAKE them.....and don't try to "force" them....they can't be forced. Just continue to enjoy sex! (which many people don't understand...that sex can be and IS good with or without orgasms. They're not necessary for good sex, they're a BONUS.....nothing more!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
In reply to: singleme2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:28pm
I totally agree with you in general, except that i dont blame myself and i have "dealt" with the actual abuse through therapy for years previous....i figured that the feelings would have gone away by now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
In reply to: singleme2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:38pm

My first advice would be to get into counselling over the sexual abuse issue. Counseling can provide a safe environment where you can express your feelings and experiences without having to deal with how your partner may respond to your situation. It may also provide the opportunity to get information regarding how to approach sexual relations with your significant other that would be in a manner which would make you feel more comfortable, relaxed and open to the pleasures of sex without past experiences interfering with your enjoyment.

A second suggestion in case counseling is not what you want to do is to discuss the generalities of your experience with your significant other, without getting into details. Explain to him that because of those past incidents, it makes it hard for you to enjoy sexual relations. Then suggest to him that he try being passive with you sexually and you can then experiment with finding your own pleasure by being in control of the situation. Sexual abuse issues often cause problems with someone else's initiation of sexual activities because that's what you experienced - someone who did something that you didn't want to do. When you are in total control of the sexual situation, you may find that you can express yourself and your desires with less of your past situations coming back to mind. Then over time as you become more confident and your experiences are more pleasureable, you can slowly allow him to initiate encounters and begin to feel more comfortable with that. But set down a firm ground rule, at any time you want to stop anything, simply indicate that he should stop with a mild head shake of 'no' or a soft hand on him that gently pushes him back, indicating that you want to stop whatever it is. As long as he understands the ground rules, agrees to abide by them and does, then you can begin to have him slowly initiate various activities. Over time I think you will find that your past recedes further from your mind and your current experiences become more pleasureable.

I hope that helps and good luck.