Help! Big Sex Issue in New Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Help! Big Sex Issue in New Relationship
13
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 10:35pm

First hi, first timer on this board.


Ok, my problem. After an exhaustive search for the past 3 years for just the right guy to share my world, he's finally found me. And I'm tickled to have found him and he with I. We've been together just less than 2 months. We're already exclusive and see long-term potential in each other.


What's the problem? Well first, physically he isn't my usual type and I wasn't strongly attracted to him initially; it was his great personality that one me over. But still it took awhile to see him sexually. Then we went to finally have sex and turns out he has erectile performance anxiety. He can't sustain an erection for more than a minute or so and he goes soft. We've tried 3 times and each time, same thing. Can't keep it up. I've been very supportive and all but I don't know what to do. He says its just nerves and that its happened before with an ex he deeply cared for and that it'll go away in time.


While I can be patient, here's the next problem. My issue with seeing him sexually is starting to come back. And it doesn't help that he has such a goody-goody, almost wholesome type nature, while I'm more of a raunchy balls-out type of girl, used to bad boys that really throw down in the bedroom. But I so want this relationship to work as he is the type of guy I need and want to be with; one I can see a future with.


So any advice on the erection problems? Any on how to keep the sexual attraction? The more I think about the disapointing sex, the less sexual attraction I'm beginning to feel for him and that worries me.


Hope that doesn't sound completely shallow. I really want to make this situation better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 10:44pm

I should also add that before dating him, I'd been on a 6 month sex hiatus and was desperatly horny during that whole time.


After having that one attempted sex with him, my sex drive has completed plummeted and I went from horny every freaking day, to hardly at all so this killed my libido instantaneously. While I used to view pron everyday, I haven't even given it a thought


What can I do? Can anyone relate to this?


Oh and in case anyone was wondering, we're both 29.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 11:46pm

Hi!
I have several things I would like to share with you:
1/ An erection is not the end all and be all of sex. And I know we have all heard that one, but until I met my fiance, I had no idea how right this is. And mind you, he does not have erectile problems, but we like sex more than each of us can sustain during the week; so manual/oral stimulation is a lot of fun (yes, all the way to orgasm, for both of us)

2/ Believe him when he says it is nerves/nervousness of the new relationship; I have experienced this before, and yes, it does go away with time...just forget about erections for the time being and have fun without penetration

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 11:49pm

You've been conducting an exhaustive search for three years.....and then he found you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 12:23am

>>>While I can be patient, here's the next problem. My issue with seeing him sexually is starting to come back.<<<


If this is true, do you REALLY think he's the ONE??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 8:27am

Welcome to the board, cl214.

Erection issues are related to a lot of things, rarely at the age of 29 are they permanent. Nerves does sound like a likely culprit. Since you withheld from sexual activities for 6 months, it could be that you were too aggressive for him at this early stage of your relationship. Putting pressure on him to perform is certainly not something that will help solve any problems he might be having. You're also describing him as too vanilla yet you haven't had a real experience with him to this point. He might be feeling that judgment, which will also make matters worse for him.

If you want to see if this "could be the one", then the first thing you need to do is relax and take the pressure of off both of you. If intercourse, or lengthy intercourse, isn't on the menu for the day, that doesn't mean there can't be a lot of sexual satisfaction going on.

I loved bad boys when I was younger, but also learned that like most surface disguises, that's exactly what a bad boy image is -- a disguise. A persons persona on the street is not necessarily the same behind closed doors. If you are able to relax and become intimate with this guy, and he is able to perform, you may very well discover someone you didn't know from the surface. If you still find Mr. Vanilla at the end of that journey, then you suggest adding spice and see where it goes from there. A satisfying sexual relationship takes effort by both parties, and communication is a big part of that effort.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 9:25am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 9:29am

I can't say without any doubt that he's THE ONE. But I do know I've dated and kissed enough frogs in 3 years to spot a

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 9:31am

If this is true, do you REALLY think he's the ONE??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 9:34am

I loved bad boys when I was younger, but also learned that like most surface disguises, that's exactly what a bad boy image is -- a disguise. A persons persona on the street is not necessarily the same behind closed doors. If you are able to relax and become intimate with this guy, and he is able to perform, you may very well discover someone you didn't know from the surface. If you still find Mr. Vanilla at the end of that journey, then you suggest adding spice and see where it goes from there. A satisfying sexual relationship takes effort by both parties, and communication is a big part of that effort.


Thank you for the welcome ang great advice. I had my fair share of bad boys and while they can be sexy, they also broke my heart time and time again and I'm not going back to that. He is the type of guy I've been looking for and dreaming about. I just need to adjust to his more 'vanilla' ways but spice things up in others. It would also help if he tried more. Which I am going to talk to him about.


But I think we should hold off on penetration right now until he's more relaxed and just have fun as someone suggested.


Thanks for the support guys. I really want this to work but obliviously some things take more effort and time. Especially when they are worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 10:15am

Speaking from personal experiences...don't judge the book by the cover. A lot of people who are very vanilla on the surface have inner freaks waiting to come out and play...but it requires a certain environment to bring it out (which takes time to create). Not saying this is the case with your beloved, but give it a chance. Some of us

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