Help he can't keep it up? is it me ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Help he can't keep it up? is it me ?
6
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 5:23pm
I have this problem my boyfriend is great except one thing he can't keep a hard on we have been to the doctor and they gave him viagra even though they said at 34 he shouldn't have anything wrong with him and it might be stress it works great for me but he said it doesn't feel the same as without it. I often wonder if it is me if I am doing anything wrong. He saids it is not and he still wants me and wants to be able to make love with me. The other problem I have is we just got engaged and I have a much higher sex drive then he does I think or it might be his problem but sex is very important to me but I dont want him to feel bad so I dont push it. What Do I Do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 6:02pm

When he went to the doctor did he have a full, complete


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:28pm

What do you do? You keep talking to him. I'm a bit surprised that the Doctor just perscribed Viagra just like that. Did the Doctor give him a clean bill of health? Does he masturbate and get an erection that way?
I would have thought that the two of you could have examined your lives a little bit better and tried some other things before resorting to artificial drugs to kick start a perfectly healthy 34 year old penis.

How is the relationship? Are you really happy? Is he really happy? Do you argue? Is his job OK? Do the two of you get quality time together to get intimate and make love - or is it always rushed or scheduled between meetings or busy lives?

There are a million things that can stress your fiance out and that can effect his ability to get an erection. If he's mad or stressed or unhappy about something that can be big factor in getting an erection.

The best thing that you can do in the meantime is maintain the intimacy and keep having sex even if you can't have intercourse. In fact, tell him that you want sex but aren't going to try for intercourse. Hopefully it's a temporary thing that can be worked through. Sometimes the more it happens the more likely it is to happen again. It's like his penis is so afraid of people watching it to see if it gets erect that it refuses to even try. So sometimes the less attention you pay to the problem, the better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 1:15am
I have the same problem. I'm married now and it doesn't get any better. It's definitely not you but at least he's willing to seek help. Let him know it is a concern of yours and hopefully he'll continue to seek improvements.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 12:52pm


Your doctor is wrong in saying he should not have problem at 34. It can happen to guys in their 20's it's just less likely when we are younger.

There are lots of possible causes, stress, tension in the marriage, diabetes, martial problems, hormone deficiencies, the list goes on. You can try identifying possible causes and correcting them to see it helps.

If Viagra works great. Sometimes it is stress it can provide temporary crutch, if you will. If its something more serious then it can be managed in various ways. One down side to Viagra is, it can make it harder for a guy to orgasm and it can cause headache, upset stomach, stuffy nose and facial flushing. So some guys find the side effects hard to take.

If you are not happy with your docters answers ask for a referral to Urologist who specializes in ED.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:39pm

I agree with Westridge......I can't believe the doctors gave him viagra if they felt he didn't need it! If they checked him out physically, and they say there's nothing wrong, then of course viagra won't work, because there's nothing wrong with him physically. Viagra is for men who have a PHYSICAL problem, not for men who have an emotional cause for losing their erections.

This has nothing to do with you, you don't control his erections, he does. He is stressed out over something, and the question is what? How is your relationship otherwise? Often sexual problems are the result of other problems outside the bedroom. Do you make a big deal about having a higher sex drive than he does? That alone could make him "anxious" about it, and make him lose it. That's something that has to be worked out with communication and compromise.

In the meantime, there is plenty that both of you can do without having intercourse.....that can satisfy both of you. Maybe if you'd just stop worrying about it, which in turn worries him, it might just take care of itself. He can give you oral and manual stimulation that can satisfy you, and hopefully he knows that. You can give him oral, even if he doesn't have an erection.

If the doctors gave him a clean bill of health, then there is something mental or emotional that's giving him this problem. The trick will be trying to figure out what the problem is.....but it will help to just not make a big deal out of it, and just work around it. That in itself might make him feel better about everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 3:48pm
Thanks for your input. We are going back to the doctor tomorrow to see what he recommends. Everything else is great with us even dare I say sappy happy. I have talked to him about if there is anything stressing him out and the anwswer is no. He does have asthma though and that is what we are going to ask him. I did tell him that I still love him no matter what.