HELP! It Hurts When He Enters Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
HELP! It Hurts When He Enters Me
12
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:36am
I was a virgin until I got married last month. It took us 4 days to be able to make love because I was so tight. The question I have is, when he first enters me it hurts a lot, but once we get about 1 -2 inches in I’m fine and the pain is gone. Why is this? Will be like this forever? Also, I am not naturally liberating. So when we have to put lube on, it completely kills the mood fro me. Any ideas? I’m hoping to see him this thanksgiving for a few days (he’s in training for Iraq) so I want to make the mot out of it. Any ideas? Thank you for ANY help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:00am
Contratulations on your marriage.

Now, onto the problem. I would guess that you are not sufficiently aroused before he enters you. I'm sorry that I can't give you 'instant' answers, but there is a bit of background that we need to know to get a clearer idea of what's going on.

There could be two reasons for you being insufficiently aroused:

1. Physical. ie; lack of foreplay. Do you and he enjoy lots of manual and oral stimulation before sex? People often say that one needs sufficient foreplay before sex, but just what is sufficient? My rule of thumb is that you've had sufficient foreplay when your body is craving intercourse...when you feel that you will die if you don't have him inside you this instant. However, if you're thinking "that's probably enough foreplay"...then it's not nearly enough.

2. Emotional. Pain aside, do you love sharing your body with your husband? Were you raised with any issues of sex being dirty or nasty? Did you have any fears regarding the pain of loosing your virginity? I'm also wondering how much (if any) sexual play you've had with your husband before you were married? Are you extremely comfortable with giving and receiving manual and oral pleasure.

Regarding applying lube...perhaps you are imagining that sex is like in the movies or books: A dreamy, perfect, uninterrupted flow from one thing to the next. Real sex isn't like that. Sex can be stop and start and that's OK. Sometimes you stop and laugh at the creaking bed - or the bed head falls off. Sometimes someone passes gas by accident. Sometimes you get a cramp and have to take a break. Sometimes you need to reach for condoms, lube, tissues or a towel. Sometimes those things aren't even in your bedroom and you do a naked sprint to find them. Once, we lit candles for a romantic mood but they had so much dust in them that they set off our smoke detectors. That is the reality of sex....not the perfect images portrayed in books and the media

best of luck to you

Aisha

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:09am
The here will be MUCH more helpful for you, LOL, but this hubby has a few thoughts anyway. By the way, congrats on the marriage!!! If you get a chance, go on over to this message board and high five the Military Wives over there too if you haven't already, k? Those ladies are AWESOME!

Military Wives

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmilitarywi

Okay, seeing that you're new to sex, I'm just going to remind you of a few basics that have been advised here with great results.

1) You've GOT to relax! This isn't a 'mission' at all, its for your enjoyment. YOURS, not just his. Foreplay is SO essential. If my wife isn't to orgasm or even past that point, then we simply won't have intercourse. You MUST be that aroused and that ready to go. If you're not enjoying the sex BEFORE the sex (intercourse) then in my honest opinion, you ain't ready yet, ya hear? :D

There are actually edible lubricants with great flavors for him to use (sorry if your ears may be a bit virgin for hearing this, but it helps, right?) on while he "gets you going" and all. The Mrs. & I are just fanatics about using that stuff for body massages that really help us enjoy each others bodies and get us in the complete mood, even with our hectic schedules.

Anyway, work on that foreplay and make sure you're both enjoying each other and yourselves BEFORE he enters you, as well as staying lubricated as you've already worked on. You MUST be relaxed and aroused!

2) This one WILL be brought up. Please check with your doctor about your hymen also. Don't know if you have that situation going on, but instead of guessing, double check with your doc and get all the info and advice regarding that, EVEN IF you get great words from this message board on it, okay?

3) Despite whatever factors may be involved, Mrs. Para is always more comfortable with being on top most of the time. This allows her to the penetration. No matter how much it hurts at first, many women who DO use this position have reported that it IS much easier on them. With this position, YOU control the penetration, the depth, the angle, or how fast or slow he enters you. Make sense?

Hope the other replies will help you too. Let us know whats worked for ya so others who read this know too, okay? Good luck!

:)

:)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:28am
congrats congrats!

my hubby and i got married earlier year, though we were having sex before marriage. we had some trouble with penetration at first too. physically he was big for me, emotionally we were learning about each other and the newly found intimacy.

foreplay is definitely the key, like others have pointed out. i found it easier to have intercourse after i've orgasmed, either by oral or manual(by him or myself), because i became physically more relaxed and well lubricated. if you find a tube of lube a mood-killer, try natural sources, like saliva. he could give you an oral and leave extra saliva and you leave saliva on his penis before he penetrates. i prefer that much more than artificial lube.

many people seem to prefer woman-on-top position for the less experienced or intercourse-troubled, claiming that gives women more control. i guess that makes sense and works for many... but personally that's not the case for me. now i do enjoy being on top, but i didn't when first started having sex, because of the pressure to "lead". i preferred him on top and i'd tell him how i feel, also this way it's easier for eye contact and for him to kiss my turn-on spots like lips, neck, ears, so i'm distracted from what's happening down there. but of course, it's up to you to find your own preference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:09pm
Aisha Thank you for your reply,

There is foreplay before we make love, sometimes more then other. All the times that we made love, a whopping 5 times, it was a spur of the moment thing in our hotel room. He has stimulated me orally, which took a very long time for me to even allow him to do. Before I met him I was in a year long relationship with someone I though was very special. With this person I experimented a lot, and felt very free with him. After we broke up I did not date for 2 years, and that is when I found my husband. I think of sex as a very special and emotional and physical connection.

I am very uncomfortable with my body. I don’t like all the imperfections. My husband thinks that I’m perfect and looks at my body like art. But I don’t see what he sees. When we make love I prefer to keep my shirt on, I don’t like the feeling or view of my breast bouncing. I am very unsure why I am so uncomfortable. Lucky I was able to take a shower and a bath with him. But it was very hard at first. I just don’t like my body being looked at. I think that I really need to just get used to him. This sounds strange, but we have only seen each other in person 12 times :o( Since he is in the army, and will be away for 18 months.

I feel that a lot of me feels very _____. I can’t think of the word. He has had other partners in the past, and I have not. I am so afraid that I’ll do something wrong. He is always on top, because I don’t want to try and do something I don’t know how. He tried to reassure me all the time and try new things, but I just feel so uncomfortable even though I love him so much. I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. We have tried doggie style, spooning, and me on top but I am much more comfortable with him on top and letting him take control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:44pm
Oh hon, try to hang in there. Because he's away so often, you probably haven't time to get used to each other yet. It takes quite a while to get accustomed to each other and our reactions, desires and needs.

It sounds like you've come a long way already...things like letting him do oral on you is a big step. Perhaps you should just work on extending yourself a tiny step at a time. Perhaps get used to having no shirt on, but use really low lighting.

I do have one question though, with your past boyfriend, you experimented a lot and felt very free. What has changed since then? Have you any idea why you are less confident with your husband?

Try not to worry, once you learn to relax a bit, it will stop hurting.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:51pm
It is most likely because I was a crazy 17 year old girl. Also the past boyfriend did not have any sexual experience. So we were learning together. With my husband it is different. I don’t feel the LUST that I felt with my x-boyfriend. When with my husband I we make love, not sex. Everything with him is so different. Every single touch means something so special to me. I want everything to be perfect. You said to keep the lights down low, I have to have them completely off. The darker the better for me. I just hate that I really don’t know what to do. I just lay there. I have no confidence in myself at all. I just let him do his thang. :o) Yes it is very pleasurable for me, and I’m getting used to it. I just found out that he is for sure getting 4 days off for thanksgiving. But after the 4 days, its good bye for 18 months. I want him to really find our time together memorable, and I could use the practice. I was very lucky that even thought he has had other partners; he was willing to wait for us to get married. Strange as it sounds, my favorite part of making love is the end. I love to see the look on his face after he climaxes. During and after, I feel so close to him. I love that feeling, and I feel so happy because we are connected on such a high emotional level. The bad part of seeing him for thanksgiving is that we will be with his family the whole time. So the only time we would get some one on one is at night (we will be staying at his grandparent’s house) Out of the 5 times that we did make love, only one time was really good for me, afterwards my body was shaking for a lonnnnnnng time, I felt very warm, happy, and excited. It was great! That was the one time that we had a lot of time alone, and watched a funny movie in bed before. I was also more vocal, lost of moaning. I find that the more I get in to it, the better for me, but the more I am in to it, the louder I am. I don’t scream or anything though. But if we are at his family’s house, I cant make a sound. Any other advice for the topics above?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:34pm
If you don't mind, I'll work through your post - bit by bit. I want to make sure that I don't miss anything ;-)

>>Also the past boyfriend did not have any sexual experience. So we were learning together. With my husband it is different. I don’t feel the LUST that I felt with my x-boyfriend. When with my husband I we make love, not sex.<<

Remember that your husband's previous sexual experiences don't make him knowledgeable about YOU. Sure, he may have a few tricks up his sleeve, but he's now on a new learning curve. Each time we have a new partner, we have to learn it all over again. So, yes, the two of you are learing together.

I'm concerned that you don't feel LUST for your husband. To me, lust - along with love - is essential for good sex. Are you perhaps thinking that lust has no place when making love? Also, I hope that you haven't changed that much since being a crazy 17yo. See if you can find that fabulous girl again....and let her loose.

>>The bad part of seeing him for thanksgiving is that we will be with his family the whole time. So the only time we would get some one on one is at night (we will be staying at his grandparent’s house)<<

I feel that it's essential that the two of you rent a serviced apartment over his break. Forget staying with his family!!! The two of you are newly-weds for heavens sake, and a reasonable family would understand you needing time alone. Sure, keep the peace by visiting them for an afternoon or two - but now is the time to be selfish. It's not like you've been living defacto for many years and are used to being together.

Being alone will also help with sex. You mentioned that you have better sex if you can let go a bit, and be vocal. I'm so totally there with you. To be honest, I find that being vocal is the key to 'letting go'. If you can let go of your voice, letting go of your inhibitions is likely to follow. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with a scream ;-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:47pm
I just wanted to add some after-thoughts.

What is coming through on your posts is that you've got a huge emotional thing happening with sex....but it's at the cost of fun. Sex can be a wonderful emotional link between you - but there's much more to sex than that. Think of your dinner. Think of "making love" as being pizza (or your favourite food). Initially, the idea of eating pizza every night is fabulous....but after a while, you get bored with it and start to crave variety.

It's the same with sex. Sometimes you "make love", sometimes you have a "wham, bam, thank-you ma'am", sometimes it's fun and light hearted, sometimes you will spoil him and other times he will spoil you. Not to mention lights on/lights off and all the different positions. Variety is so important.

My other thought is about showing him your body. Men are very visual. Are you aware that by hiding your body in the dark, you are denying him much pleasure? While it is important to respect your own boundaries, it is also important to consider your partner's needs. See if you can turn your way of thinking around: Instead of thinking about protecting yourself - think about how you can give pleasure to your partner. I mean, guys LOVE to see bouncing breasts! And they love to grab onto a fleshy bit - it's all part of the pleasure. Think also about what will happen if you have sex in dim lights. Do you think he will laugh at your body or take pleasure in seeing it? Is hiding yourself in the dark being fair to him?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:01pm
>>To be honest, I find that being vocal is the key to 'letting go'.<<

My partner is very vocal, and the louder she gets the more she can relax and enjoy herself.

You've got learn to relax and become comfortable with yourself. I believe that's the reason that the sex is hurting - part of you is very nervous and tense about having sex and your vaginal muscles are tensed making penetration difficult.

Your sex life will be so much better if you can overcome your inhibitions and become more relaxed and communicative in bed. There's not a lot that we can do except encourage you - you're the one that's got to do the work and learn to relax and become more daring. For example, you don't want to go on top. It's like riding a bike - how can you learn to ride it if you can't bring yourself to ever get on the thing!

None of us were born knowing how to be good at sex. It's all a learning process. You've got a very considerate and helpful husband that loves you. He's only going to help you learn - and he'll learn what you like at the same time too. You've got to take little risks and try different things.

Even if it isn't perfect that's not a problem and certainly no reason to be embarrassed. Sex or making love isn't like in the movies. It's stop and start, try this and that, make a mistake and have a good laugh about it. It's about two people trying different things and finding out what makes each other feel good.

When you think about it, it's a little silly that you are intimate enough to let him put his penis in your vagina but can't let him see you naked at the same time!

Take some little risks - instead of wearing a shirt with the lights out, try wearing a sexy little slip or chemise and light two candles so that he can just see you.

If you can't take little risks like this with your husband, who can you take them with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:52pm
Agree, agree with Aisha (and Westie). If you can't bring yourself to let go even a little bit with your H, who can you let go with? I also suspect that if sex was great before, it was because you were uninhibited and not trying to make it perfect. It is *not* perfect and it's all the more fun when it isn't. Don't make it yourself so miserable trying for perfection.

I won't reiterate all the advice you've gotten because I think it's spot on. (And I don't think it's a hymen related issue since you were sexually active before and had no problems). I think you're tense because you're so wrought up about keeping things perfect, worrying about your body, etc etc. Another thing - it's very hard on a spouse when they compliment their partner and constantly hear "Oh, you must be blind, my hips are too big, I don't want you to see me naked, I hate my breasts, I'm not pretty" etc. That is, in it's own way, insulting and frustrating. And I'm not blaming you because I used to do that to an extent. But I realized what I was doing and learned to accept the compliments. Our sex life took a Huge Leap when I learned to appreciate and like my body.

I will also add that I think the hotel room is a MUST for the upcoming holiday. You can spend all the days with family, but you really should have your own little place to go back to in the evening, just the two of you. Due to the separations, I can't imagine why anyone would even raise the slightest objection to the idea. You two need some couple time, and you definitely aren't going to be any more relaxed with Grandma in the next room! I would insist on it, being out of your sphere might help you be a little more daring. There is nothing wrong with wanting time alone.

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