help me be okay with porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
help me be okay with porn
11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:06am

hi, sorta long but I'll try to be "to the point"

I used to look at porn a lot, and still occassionally do. I found out my bf had lied about looking at it a few years ago -- despite the fact I asked him if he liked it, and if he did it was cool.. but he always denied it.

I used his computer and found all of it (this was a few years ago) and confronted him. I was incredibly hurt he would lie about it and used it so frequently. He cried and told me he was very sorry and he would stop it.

Now, I have come to realize he STILL looks at it. I don't want to confront him, as I've found it on our computer before and it only leads to him denying it and then us having a MAJOR fight.

So, question is.. how do I become okay with it?? I watch it myself (he doesn't know, has said he doesn't care if I do) and I know LOGICALLY that it doesn't mean that I'm not attractive or he doesn't find me beautiful or loves me any less. But my HEART doesn't feel it. I feel like if I was good enough he wouldn't do it AND wouldn't lie about it (as he's said numerous times he would tell me if he was looking at it -- and I suggested maybe we'd watch one together). I know how I feel when I look at porn -- I certainly don't compare the men with him or find them very attractive BUT I can't get over the fact that maybe he's different.. I am worried he does find them more attractive (which he's denied)or that he'll hide this forever and I'll continue to be hurt by it.

Any suggestions?? This must sound so bizarre! I really am afraid to bring it up again, it always leads to such problems but at the same time, I hate knowing he's hiding somethign that hurt me so much in the past.. please help me.

GMG

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:29am

Your problem isn't with porn. Your problem is that he lies to you. And that is a problem. But then, you lie to him in the same way about the same thing. You watch porn, and lie to him about it. You ARE okay with porn, but only for yourself. You have a double standard. If it's okay for you to watch it, why isn't it okay for him?

It makes you feel inadequate, even though you know in your heart that isn't true? Well, do you think less of him because you see "hot" guys in the porn you watch? Does the fact that you watch it mean that he's inadequate? Otherwise, why do you watch it? You say it has nothing to do with him, but yet his watching it has everything to do with you. That's insecurity and lack of self esteem.

If he was using drugs, and lying to you about it, would you be saying help me accept drugs? Would you use drugs, and lie to him about it?

This whole problem has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with trust. You don't trust him because he lies to you. But you're lying to him about the same thing, so whether or not he knows it, he can't trust you either. Without trust, a relationship isn't worth much.

You both need to learn to be honest with each other. That takes communication. That's what you need to work on, not acceptance of porn, because you DO accept porn, but only for yourself, not for him. You need to tell him that you like it, you watch it, you know he likes it, you know he watches it, and you both need to start being honest with each other, and with yourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:03am

Hi,

GTB made some great points here. There is a wonderful model of psychology called the mirror of relationship. What you are experiencing is almost a classic example. The idea is that what bothers us most about others is what we cannot accept in ourselves. You are bothered by him lying, but at the same time you are lying to him. His behavior is mirroring yours. Consider telling him whenever you look at porn and notice if there is a shift in his behavior.

As far as worrying about what he things, (i.e. afraid he is comparing you to other women on the internet), the reality is you will never know. If you want to truly drive yourself insane continue to worry about what he thinks. No matter what you do, say or discuss, you will never know EXACTLY what he thinks as he will never know exactly what you think. Focus your energy on things that you can effect rather than things that you can never effect and you will be a much happier person.

Good luck.
Scott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:04am

I'm all for self disclosure and discussion. If you can't be honest about your feelings and your own activity, then you can't ask him to be, can you?

Sit down together, admit that you view porn, and that you've been snooping once again so you know that he still does, too. Be honest about your feelings. Tell him that it still bothers you because it makes you feel insecure. Discuss how much porn is too much in your own minds.

Hopefully, together, with a new pledge for honesty in your relationship, you can figure out how to deal with these issues. But a couple must agree on boundaries and RESPECT them, otherwise they mean nothing. The need for individual personal time/space and privacy also needs to be discussed and agreed upon, too.

You'll have to own your own insecurity though. This isn't something that he can fix for you.




Edited 3/29/2005 10:12 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:51am

Don't ask and he won't lie.

You can tell him you're ok with it and he still won't want to discuss it with you. If you REALLY ARE ok with it, drop the subject and don't ask him again.

You could try watching some together too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:40pm

I won't go into a lot of detail but I will touch on one part of your problem. He lied about his porn use in the first place because us guys invariably grow up learning that girls don't like men using porn. We learn it first when we have to hide it under the mattress so our mothers and sisters won't find it. We learn it from our relationships and the media and girls that we meet. Porn is bad we're told, and we learn that girls get very upset by it. So when we finally have to tell a girl that we like very much whether or not we use porn, we probably deny it or minimise what we admit.

Your b/f is doing the same. He denied it at first because he knew that you'd react badly. You did. No wonder he keeps denying it. He knows that admitting the truth leads to bad things.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:45pm

So, why wouldn't admitting the truth lead to change, IF he really cares for his partner?
Hmmmm...wonder if your theory holds true for women and shopping? Somehow, I don't think the "don't ask, don't tell" approach would be appreciated by many husbands! LOL!

At some point, a couple has to be willing to be accountable to one another to some degree or the trust is gone.




Edited 3/29/2005 11:49 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 10:05am

Masturbation can be a very personal and private matter for a lot of people as opposed to something like shopping. Depending on someone's upbringing, they wouldn't admit to doing if you caught them with the penis in-hand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:21am

thank you everyone for your messages.

I just wanted to re-iterate that from the very start of our relationship I made it clear I was okay with it...it wasn't like I had a problem with it but he insisted it was something he didn't think would be appropriate once he began a r/s. The problem with me began when I found out he had been LYING about it for quite some time, so this is what bugs me most... we could have been the "cool" couple who watched it and enjoyed it together, but how I look at it now, it can't happen b/c I don't like what this issue has become, ya know?

thanks again.. I'm going to hold off on any action for now and see if I can become "okay" with the idea he does it behind my back and if not.. well then we'll see.

and btw - why is it that he feels it's okay to watch and masturbate to porn when I'm not around but if he catches me looking at other men in the gym he gets really offended??

thanks!

GMG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 12:28pm

Goddess, just because you told him you were OK with it doesn't mean you are. To me, you sound like you're trying to convince yourself that you're OK with it. If you really were OK with it, you wouldn't have confronted him about it. I think you're hiding behind the lying thing as a way to beat him up about it without it being about his viewing porn but using lying as a scape goat. It's not like he lied about gambling, or drugs, or other women. Some people just aren't comfortable talking about porn usuage, maybe he is one of them. Maybe he also sensed that even though you said you were OK you really weren't. Maybe he thought it was a trap and you didn't mean it, like you were baiting him or something. not saying you were, but I mean many women do that and in those situations men will lie to protect themselves and avoid a fight. I think you're making mountains out of mole hills and need to let it go.

I don't know how to answer your second question. I will say, porn pics and movies to me are different than being out with your partner and ogling. Did you just look or were you blatantly ogling? Are you trying to give him a taste of his own medicine? I really don't know.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 2:57pm
True, but we're not talking about masturbation perse, we're talking about the use of porn in relationships. And that, along with everything else, should be open for discussion and negotiation. We cannot just assume that all the habits we bring into a relationship will be accepted or approved of by our partner....so we have to willing to make adjustments or changes, if needed.

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