help me be okay with porn
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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 7:06am |
hi, sorta long but I'll try to be "to the point"
I used to look at porn a lot, and still occassionally do. I found out my bf had lied about looking at it a few years ago -- despite the fact I asked him if he liked it, and if he did it was cool.. but he always denied it.
I used his computer and found all of it (this was a few years ago) and confronted him. I was incredibly hurt he would lie about it and used it so frequently. He cried and told me he was very sorry and he would stop it.
Now, I have come to realize he STILL looks at it. I don't want to confront him, as I've found it on our computer before and it only leads to him denying it and then us having a MAJOR fight.
So, question is.. how do I become okay with it?? I watch it myself (he doesn't know, has said he doesn't care if I do) and I know LOGICALLY that it doesn't mean that I'm not attractive or he doesn't find me beautiful or loves me any less. But my HEART doesn't feel it. I feel like if I was good enough he wouldn't do it AND wouldn't lie about it (as he's said numerous times he would tell me if he was looking at it -- and I suggested maybe we'd watch one together). I know how I feel when I look at porn -- I certainly don't compare the men with him or find them very attractive BUT I can't get over the fact that maybe he's different.. I am worried he does find them more attractive (which he's denied)or that he'll hide this forever and I'll continue to be hurt by it.
Any suggestions?? This must sound so bizarre! I really am afraid to bring it up again, it always leads to such problems but at the same time, I hate knowing he's hiding somethign that hurt me so much in the past.. please help me.
GMG

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>>why is it that he feels it's okay to watch and masturbate to porn when I'm not around but if he catches me looking at other men in the gym he gets really offended??<<
Probably because you are looking at real flesh and blood men that are just an arm's length away and are potentially quite available to you. His porn girls are really only pictures and he probably could find them even if he decided he wanted to touch one of them.
Your real guys are just getting a bit too up close and personal for comfort.
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