Help me PLEASE! i need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Help me PLEASE! i need advice
5
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 1:46pm
I have a serious problem...I have been dating someone for approximately 6 months and the man i'm dating is 9 years older than me. I am 21-he is 30. Just recently we have encountered the same problem within about a two week span. During sex, on two separate occasions, he has been unable to maintain an erection. The first time it happened i could tell he was extreeeeemly discouraged. He looked at me and appologized and said he was sorry and that it wasnt me-it was him. I knew that he was embarassed so i shrugged it off and said-no biggie dont worry about it (even though it sort of bothered me). Just the other night it happened again. The reason i am concerned is because we have a pretty active sex life and this has happened now twice. I'm beginning to feel discouraged that perhaps it IS me, or he has lost his attraction for me. He told me he took a quiz online that told him he could have mild erectile dysfunction. He made a few jokes about having to take viagra but for me thats NOT funny. I'm only 21...i love him and it sounds selfish but i dont know if i could emotionally adapt to knowing that my boyfriend cant get it/keep it up for me. If this keeps happening i dont know what i should do. Our relationship is already rocky because my parents hate me for dating someone so much older. Any advice? :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:24pm

You are wrong, it has NOTHING to do with you, or how he feels about you. ED, mild or otherwise is something he can't control, and no matter how much he loves you, or wants to have intercourse with you, it can still happen.

Even though you think he's "older", he's not an old man, and ED can be physical, or it can be emotional, and it can happen at any age. If that was the first time he ever experienced it, it embarassed him (which it shouldn't have, it happens to every man, no matter what their age, occasionally). It can be due to stress, being tired, alcohol, drugs (legal OR illegal) and many other things. It could also be worrying about the fact that your parents don't like him. Possibly it was just a fluke, and now he's so concerned about it that he's "worrying" it into happening! It's called a "self-fulfilling prophecy". It happened, and now he worries so much about it happening again, it happens, from the WORRYING.

You need to stop making it about you, and explain to him that there are plenty other ways he can satisfy you if it DOES happen again, but that it probably won't.

There can something physical going on, too. Is he on any medications? Anti depressants can cause it to happen. Has he been to the doctor lately? He might have high blood pressure, or even diabetes (you can have EITHER at any age with NO symptoms). If it continues, then he should definitely see his doctor to make sure his health is ok.

Last but not least, you don't understand Viagra and the other drugs that help with ED. A man doesn't take it because he can't keep it up FOR YOU! It's because he can't keep it up, PERIOD. Again, this has nothing to do with you, and don't try to make it about you. When a man takes Viagra, he doesn't "automatically" get an erection....he needs to be AROUSED....and if it was because he wasn't "interested" in you, it wouldn't work. (Also, lets face it, most guys (if they don't have a problem like this) can "get it up" if they're aroused....even if they're not that crazy about the woman. This is not about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:41pm

Okay...firstly...9 years is NOT a huge age-difference haha. The guy I'm in a friends-with-benefits situation right and I have an 18 year age difference. Lol. Double your age difference haha. And he is a few years over 30 - and let me tell you, this problem does NOT happen with us...

!!! But...this is NOT your fault. It's not HIS fault either. It sounds like a health problem. He should see his doctor (I know it's *embarrassing*) but it's more common than he probably thinks. If he doesn't get help, it could get to the point where he does not want to have sex anymore because he will always be afraid of going soft in the middle of it. And that'll just make things worse. It's really NOT a big deal at all...and I'm sure he can get a handle on it with some advice from a doctor, etc. Good luck and please talk to him about it - no matter how difficult it is to bring it up...it will help in the end. Good luck to both of you. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 4:51pm

Hi globug and welcome to the board. I'm sorry to hear that you and your guy are going through this, but it's not as uncommon as you think. He is making jokes about it for a few reason: he's embarrassed, his ego hurts, and he is scared. For every second that you think you are not sure if you can be in a relationship with a man who has this problem -- think about actually being the man with this problem and how magnified those feelings would be!

My DH is 10 years older than me. I was 27 when we started dating, and he had an incident or two of Erectile Dysfunction (ED). When we started dating, he had baggage from a previous marriage, he felt unsure about our age difference, he had a lot of stress as a single parent, etc. I could tell he was embarrassed, but I reassured him that it wasn't a problem. Soon enough, it was gone. Fast forward several years forward, and he had to start taking medication for his heart. ED became a side effect, and he was prescribed Viagra.

He doesn't always have problems with ED, but when he does, I certainly don't take it personally. Once he knew that his life would continue, and he would still have sex, and he wouldn't loose me, ED wasn't a problem for him anymore either. Sometimes he looses his erection during sex. It's no big deal! There are plenty of things we can do to satisfy each other that don't require an erection. If we know we are spending time together and plan to have sex -- lots of sex -- he takes Viagra. It's just not a big deal.

Yes, there have been times it has been a bit frustrating, but in all honesty, only when he has become frustrated. Then it's like a crash landing. If you both educate yourselves about ED and realize there is more to your relationship (and sex) than an erection, then you are less likely to be frustrated by it. It is a medical condition, so he should seek medical help as a first step.

Here are a couple of threads that we had here recently. One of them refers to articles on ED and is very informative.

Understanding Erectile Dysfunction (ED)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlletstalkab/?msg=19896.1

Have you or your partner ever experie...
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=19899.1&x=y

I hope the two of you work through this. We're here for you if you have more questions, or to let us know how you are doing.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:13pm
Thanks so much for responding! And i think you're right...It cant be about me. I just need to make him feel secure about the situation and that will definately make him feel better about it. Before him i'd never been with anyone else so i suppose that is part of the problem too-im justa little confused as to whats going on. Thanks again! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:23pm
Thank you, i appreciate your advice. I think i'm going to talk with him about it tonight and just be very careful about how i go about it. I'd say if it continues on--health wise, it would probably be best for him to get it checked out. Thanks again!