help needed please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
help needed please
10
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 4:59pm

hello.
ive decided to come here and ask for help because this seems like a good place to start.
please bear with me for i realize how long this post is about to be. but i figure for the best possible advice, i should give as much detail as possible.
and please, dont mind my punctuation... im well aware of how to capitalize and punctuate and all... but for the sake of length and some laziness, ill be slacking off...

so.. ok, im 23 years old, ill be 24 in less than a month. i was a virgin up until this last december when i started dating my current boyfriend. i always said i wanted to wait until i was in a commited relationship before losing it. one night stands sounding very unappealing to me as far as my virginity was concerned.

at about age 14 i discovered masturbation... about 15/16 i learned the trick of tightening the muscles in your legs for a quicker orgasm. so for several years, most of my self-pleasure was done with stiff legs and very quick and sometimes rough motions to score a quick orgasm until this method became habit.

when i moved out at age 22 i got my first vibrator. it was a little one and even with how small it was, took some time to work into my body. when it died, i went to get a new one of equal size but it was not available. i ended up getting one that has the dimensions of 7" long and 1 1/2" at widest point. this took, as expected, even more time to get in. i used this up until meeting my boyfriend.

i started giving oral sex when i was 19. these were one-night situations, i think i needed to exercise some sexual gratification as well as it was acting out in a rebellious way somewhat. the first time i had it returned was last may. i found it strange that, while it felt "nice", it wasn't getting me excited, no orgasms even came close to happening and i passed it off as that we had some drinks, maybe he wasnt so good, maybe i was too tense, etc.

ive been in my relationship now for about 5-6 months. i have never been able to reach orgasmic climax during sex oral or otherwise unless i do it myself with my tightening and rough rubbing routine. ive stopped using the vibe since i started dating him but i cant seem to reach orgasm which has become equally frustrating for both of us. we have sex pretty frequently and its not that it isnt enjoyable. but im the only woman hes been unable to get off and i feel inadequate. not to mention, id love to feel an orgasm that wasnt by my own hands. i have, during sex, had female ejaculation occur from g-spot stimulation. but i dont have the body twitching, nipple stiffening, OH BABY BABY style orgasm.

and i dont know whats wrong with me. cos i feel like it IS something wrong with me. and if it has to do with how ive taught my body to respond, which is the only thing i can come up with, how do you retrain your body to respond to gentle touch?????

looking forward to your suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:52pm
Pretty much the only way that I can achieve orgasm during sex is by rubbing my clit or having my bf rub it. Sex is still very enjoyable, but it is the only way I can orgasm. Most women are that way. Have you tried using a position that stimulates or rubs on your clit.
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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:56pm

RELAX! Nothing is wrong with you. This is a new relationship and Rome wasn't built in a day. You're going through what everyone goes through in a new relationship. Sexual satisfaction is a learning process. It was for masturbation and it will be with a partner.

I think your expectations for orgasm with a partner may not be realistic, since you seem to be basing them on someone else's description of their experience. Big mistake. Orgasm for you, with a partner, will be different and unique to you.

You do realize that it's your clitoris that provides all those wonderful sensations and that it's not necessary to insert anything into the vagina to stimulate that organ. Many women enjoy penetration with a vibrator or dildo, along with clitoral stimulation, but it's not necessary to orgasm. Check out www.the-clitoris.com together for more information about the female sex organ.

My best advice is for you to show your BF how you stimulate yourself and he can learn to
replicate that during intercourse. Try woman-on-top which would allow you to use your thighs as well as rub your clitoris directly on his pubic bone or the shaft of his erection. Not to mention that you can control the placement and angle of penetration, depth, speed, and everything else. Most women enjoy this position because they are more in control.

Having him ride high on your body for missionary can also put your clitoris more in contact with his shaft. But MOST women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so you must ask for what you need.

And who says that you must get used to gentle stimulation when you need more vigorous rubbing? Show him exactly how your rub yourself by taking his hand and placing it where you place your own.

And please....tell him to remove his ego from this equation. This has nothing to do with his ability as a lover and everything to do with YOU learning to respond to his touch.

He needs to understand that ALL women are different and require different things to be sexually stimulated and satisfied and holding you to a standard that some other lover has set is unfair AND unrealistic. He will have to learn what YOU need and how you orgasm.

Be patient, be open, and experiment together. Don't make orgasm a GOAL though. We all have to do those things in order to learn to give and receive pleasure with a partner. You'll figure it out with time.




Edited 6/23/2005 6:03 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:21pm

Why do you feel that you need to respond to a gentle touch? Why not just go with what works for you?

Show him how you like a firmer touch. Oral sex is never going to provide the rough stimulation that you need to orgasm. Perhaps you could get him to use his fingers and/or a vibrator at the same time to provide a more firm type of stimulation during oral sex? That might work. Plenty of guys are the same during fellatio too - they can't cum because the lips and mouth feel great, but just don't provide the rougher stimulation that they use during masturbation.

Just because some people like a gentle touch and romantic love scenes in the films seem to be all about gentle touching, that doesn't mean that everyone likes or needs it.
It could be that you will NEED a vibrator to orgasm. You're certainly not alone in that requirement. You think that it's a matter of leaving the vibrator alone and letting your body "reset" itself to a gentler touch. That simply may not be the case. Don't use the vibrator every day but see what happens when you DO use it! You're bound to find a happy medium somewhere between rough and gentle with a bit of experimentation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:29pm

well, im not really sure how to explain to him how i like it. im not real good with words and hes seen me do it and tries to emulate... but nothing.

one part i forgot to mention is when he tries to get me off it does one of two things... hurts or tickles. so he gets pushed away in the end. which sucks.

i think being a virgin so long had a lot to do with it even if the only part is that everyone told me for SO long how AMAZING oral sex was and for me its... nice. its not mind blowing its not fireworks... i WANT it to be. but its just nice. thats it. and i hate that. i WANT mind blowing dammit.

the other part of having the orgasms the way i do is that theyre shorter and far less satisfying than if i take my time (which anymore, is a VERY LONG TIME to take... and living in my world of instant gratification, i end up giving up) and do it nicely.

i thought about bringing the vibe into play but the vibe i have is a bit bigger than he is and i worry that he'll... well, be intimidated or something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:35pm

i have indeed tried being on top both facing him and away from him and it doesnt do much either... though from a power/sexy aspect, its fun :)

i have tried showing him how i do it but as i replied to the other girl, and forgot to mention in the first post, when he tries to do it with his hands, he either hurts or tickles. so i end up swatting his hand away futhering our frustration...

i can understand not making an orgasm a goal, but i wouldnt mind if i got stimulated once and a while. i think im worried he'll become bored, even though he swears it doesnt matter. i know sex isnt the most important thing but i think it is SOMEWHAT important right?

and i know that most women dont get off on just insertion and thrusting... im not expecting that. i just wanna get off on something that isnt me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 11:51pm

This has more to do with how your MIND is responding, than how your body is responding. There is NOTHING wrong with you! You are focusing on having that "earth shattering" orgasm, and guess what.....that happens very seldom.....even to multi-orgasmic women. You are concerned that you're the first woman he hasn't "gotten off".....and I have news for both of you. It's doubtful that you're the first.....because many women fake it, particularly if they feel the guy is upset about them not having an orgasm. I'll give you credit for NOT faking it. Most guys don't have a clue if or when a woman fakes it, and he doesn't either. It wasn't very helpful to you for him to tell you that, either. Nothing is more destroying for your self-confidence than to have your b/f say there must be something wrong with you! He needs to get his ego out of the bedroom. Your lack of orgasms has NOTHING to do with him. Whether or not YOU have an orgasm, he's getting "his".....and he has nothing to complain about.

"i dont have the body twitching, nipple stiffening, OH BABY BABY style orgasm"....and you probably won't, until you stop looking for that. The more you concern yourself with it, the more you focus on it, the LESS you're enjoying the sex....because you're not concentrating on what IS happening, only what's NOT happening.

Don't concern yourself about what other people tell you about THEIR experiences. They are not you, and you are not them. People also like to exaggerate things like that.

The bottom line is that Orgasms don't make sex good.......good sex makes orgasms happen. Concentrate on what's feeling good.......and enjoy it. When you learn to do that, and get REALLY into the pleasure you're having, it might happen. And I say might......because some women take years to learn to have orgasms. You might be one of them. I hope not, but even so, you can still enjoy sex, and so can he.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:06am

just to clarify, he has never said that our sex is bad or that any of it is all my fault. he did express concern/frustration that im the only one he couldnt get off
and i did certainly consider the idea that the others may have been faking

i think what you said about orgasms dont make good sex, good sex make orgasms (sometimes) is great advice. i will keep that in mind from now on...
thank you all for your advice, i look forward to anything else contributed

thanks ladies.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:22am

Just tell your BF that it will happen for you, when YOU figure it out. But the last thing you need from him is pressure to perform...either consciously or unconsciously.

Enjoy what you share right now and the rest will come. NO pun intended.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:29am

You could introduce a vibrator into your lovemaking, but one designed for clitoral stimulation only. No dildo-types since this is a new relationship and he may feel replaced. They make one to clip on the index finger which might be less threatening for him.

But you know it's very possible that you have trained yourself to respond only to vibration, especially if that's the only way you've ever masturbated. And the way to learn to respond to any other kind of stimulation, is to put the toy away, for a while.

I think it's always wise to learn to stimulate yourself manually before experimenting with toys. Just makes the transition easier when you begin making love with a partner since I've never met a guy who vibrated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:38am

"never met a guy who vibrated!"

LOL neither have i!