HELP - Sad about lack of sex and passion
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:23pm |
Hi,
I am a 38 and have been in a relationship for 12years. We used to have a sensational sex life though over the past few years it has become very average. I have spoken to my partner about this and he just clams up. THE problem now has become NO sex. It has been over 12months since he has touched me, I have tried to initiate sex and been knocked back many times. I told my partner I was not going to initiate anymore as continually knocking me back hurts and that his lack of interest and desire is making me feel ugly and un loveable. Like many men he can not communicate in words his feelings (he has always been like this) He says he is not having an affair and he dosn't know why he has no sexual desire.( I believe him and know he loves me) I am now so hurt, angry and sad that our intimacy has died that I am now living with a defence barrier up and we can not even have a laugh. The really bad thing about this is the tension in the house, we are not fighting but are just going through the motions of living together wich I do not think is a great envireoment for our beautiful 6 month old daughter.
Does anyone have any idea what may be going on or what I should do. I really am geting very depressed over the whole situation.
Thanks and regards
Lisa

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He may have some hidden resentment against you. Does he like being a father? Some men do not like that role very much. Did you both decide together to have a child or did it just happen? Was he fully ready to become a father?
Some men accept a child even if they did not want one.
Some women want a child and the man does not and the woman "makes" it happen.
Some men resent having a child even if they did originally want one and planned one.
Having a child changes everybodys life forever.
I would dig and find his hidden resentment of you. Ask him if he loves you anymore. Tell him you feel unwanted and unloved by him. Does he cuddle you and otherwise kiss and hug? Or is he totally cold physically.
A couple of points Lisa. There are any number of reason his desire may be down. The first hurdle is to get him to acknowledge that you need intimacy to be happy and its important to long term stability of the of the marriage to find a solution. He has to want to find a solution before anything else will happen.
Let him know your not judging him but would like to help find a way answer why his desire is off so you can get things back on track.
The first stop is his GP for complete physical. He needs let his GP know about his lack of desire as part of it.
There are many causes, relationship issues, stress, depression, low testosterone levels, other physical problems that all could be the cause. As someone suggested start by looking for any health issues and rule out potential causes till you hit on the right one.
Unfortunately none of this will happen until he is on board with a desire to correct the problem. That is your first and probably biggest challenge. It might mean you have to be prepared to make sure he understands that you can't be happy in marriage without intimacy.
As I said, Scott, IMO, without explanation, there is no other way to take it. It's easy to say not to take it personally, but that's how rejection makes one FEEL and feelings aren't logical. He IS rejecting her daily, without telling her why. And that's just cruel.
And I have to disagree, it's not up to HER to come up with a solution. The onus is on him to own the problem, take responsibility for it and to find a solution, IF he cares enough. All she can do is support and encourage him as he does so. And she has more than enough to be concerned about with the new baby.
You simply can't drag a person kicking and screaming to a resolution to a problem that he doesn't even acknowledge! And you don't solve problems by enabling your partner to continue to hide from them.
He knows what he's doing to her and their marriage. She's told him, if there was any doubt in his mind. And after a year, he is now making a daily CHOICE to neglect his wife, WITH the knowledge that he's hurting her.
He is either depressed and doesn't care about her feelings, or he is angry about this baby or something else and withholding sex to punish her. Otherwise, a loving and caring husband would want to reassure her by doing what's necessary to find answers.
Edited 2/2/2005 1:50 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
<<>>
Kat and Tish,
I really see where both of you are coming from and on a level can totally agree. All I am saying is that we can only be responsible for our end of any problem, and often times the only way to empower yourself is to change your perception of the situation. The viewpoint that he doesn't care about her, is an evaluation not an observation. The fact that he won't discuss it with her could mean many, many things. It could mean he is ashamed of it, it could mean that he feels it will correct itself with time, it could be that he has no idea how to communicate...it could mean anything. I believe this because I deeply believe that all people want to contribute to the people they love and want their lives to be as happy as possible. The only reason that they don't is that they are completely out of touch with their own needs and feelings and many of us were never taught how to communicate properly.
Kat, you and I would disagree too about the nature of feelings. Feelings are a direct reflection of perception of a given situation. That's why two people will not have the same emotional response to the same situation; they both perceive the situation differently because they are different people with different experiences. My wife doesn't like to ride the bus because she doesn't want to be close enough to a stranger to make physical contact...it makes her tense and uncomfortable. My oldest daughter loves to take the bus because she comes in contact with other people and the shoulder to shoulder touch comforts her and makes her really happy...Completely opposite reactions to the same stimulae.
If the OP waits for her husband to change in order to be happy I hope that she is really, really patient...because she may be waiting a long time. Allowing others to be the "cause" of your emotions gives them tremendous power and complete disempowers you. The only way that she can empower herself is change the perception of the situation first, and then decide what to do from there. She may confront him and request that he or they get help and if he will not do that she can move on, and that is a perfectly reasonable request. However, she cannot ever make choices from a place of victimhood, only from a place of empowerment. Empowerment can only be attained by owning ones life situation.
Peace.
Scott.
Speaking as a guy, who coincidentally doesn't like to talk about his feelings...
I find it interesting that Lisamarisa has been in the relationship for 12 years and they now have a 6 month old child. It sounds like they are not married. Sex stopped when she was 3 months pregnant.
Concrete possibilities of why he is behaving this way:
1. He doesn't want to be married and now feels that he essentially is married. He's now tangibly tied down.
2. He resents the child intruding on their relationship.
3. He is stressed with his career and is afraid that he won't be able to provide for his family. This is a HUGE issue for 99% of the fathers out there...especially those of us who are fathers later in life.
4. He can't deal with having a sexual relationship with the mother of his child.
5. He doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, but is afraid to end it.
6. He has some medical condition that precludes him from performing, but he's too embarrassed to say anything.
I think that Scott is talking about "confronting" him in a conciliatory way. If she comes in and says "Hey Buster! You have a problem and you better fix it!", he's bolting.
If she says, "Honey, I love you very much and I want our relationship to succeed. We have a problem that's threatening our relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I am now so hurt, angry and sad that our intimacy has died that I am now living with a defense barrier up and we can not even have a laugh. The really bad thing about this is the tension in the house, we are not fighting but are just going through the motions of living together, which I do not think is a great environment for our beautiful 6 month old daughter. We have to do something to fix this!", she has a shot at fixing it.
To make a long post longer, I agree with Kat and Issy that she certainly can't continue to be an emotional punching bag, but Scott is absolutely right that she is best served by making an open conciliatory move.
Conciliatory is great, provided she is also firm about the need to solve the problem.
Good Luck!
John
"Allowing others to be the cause of your emotions gives them tremendous power over you and completely disempowers you."
Well, obviously, we're not talking about generic "others" in this situation, though, we're talking about one's partner in life! And OF course, my DH's feelings, moods to a degree and state of mind affect me. And mine, him. He's the most important person in my life. When you open up your heart, mind and body to another person, and obviously, CARE what they think then....yes, they affect you. That's the way it works. We are vunerable to one another by choice and that's why we can hurt one another so deeply. There is an implicit responsibility in the relationship to share the happiness AND the pain.
I do agree that allowing acquaintances, friends, even family members to unduly influence one's self perception and emotions, to a unhealthy degree, isn't wise but the husband and wife relationship is on a completely different level, trustwise, IMO. So yes, I guess we will have to disagree on that. The OP will have to decide for herself if the trust in her marriage is irretrievably broken or not.
But I'm sorry, Scott, I'm not buying that even the most language/sensitivity challenged man cannot say "I'm sorry honey, I don't know what's wrong with me." That doesn't require communication skills, it just requires the willingness to ask for help from his wife.
Edited 2/2/2005 4:00 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hi Kat,
I think maybe that I'm not being fully clear. I am not suggesting that Lisa enable her husband, or that she not stand up for herself and her needs. ALL I am suggesting is that she shift her perspective so that she can help herself be more stable and less reactive for her, not for him. Shifting perspective is not about repressing emotion at all...it's just being open to the possibility that there are thousands of ways of seeing every situation and that she can be happier right now by allowing herself to see this differently. If she can see this from a place of calmness she can make decisions based on what her heart, spirit and reason tell her rather than from a place of victimhood. Victimhood can only add to the problem.
And yes, I completely agree with you that he should be open and that we are more vulnerable to those that we are closest to. He should be communicative and open, he should be able to take care of her needs, and he should apologize and tell her that he doesn't know what the problem is...he should do all of those things. The reality is he isn't doing those things. Now Lisa has to take care of herself and decide what is best for her and her child.
Vulnerability to me is strength in all relationships. But vulnerability to me does not mean weakness or giving in, it just means being completely open with who you are and it is a deep knowing that you are doing the best that you can at every moment and that others are doing the same, even if they don't live up to our expectations. No one, no matter how long you've known someone can completely know what it's like to be someone else. Lisa has the power to leave this relationship and find one more nurturing or transform this relationship into one that is more nurturing. Either way, she will only be able to effectively do this from a place of quiet calm, centeredness and the understanding that her husband is doing the best he can as is she.
Peace.
Scott.
PS - Kat, I love you passion and thoughtful answers to posts. I am always impressed with your ability to empathize deeply with those that open their hearts here.
Wow, this is a very interesting thread!
I think that we all agree that Lisamarisa can not stand for the status quo. Something has to be done, and Scott effectively points out that her partner isn't going to do anything on his own. The question is, "What method has the best chance of working this out by bringing them back together."
I completely agree that two people acting and reacting on their emotions are what brings intimacy in the first place. However, acting and reacting on emotions can also create a downward spiral of emotional responses. He put up his defenses, now Lisamarisa has put up hers. What I think that Scott is saying is that in someone needs to break the cycle by trying to act on what IS, not on one's emotions.
Anyway, the quote you highlighted:
"Allowing others to be the cause of your emotions gives them tremendous power over you and completely disempowers you."
Is the only part of the post that I don't really agree with. I would say that in one of these emotional spirals, that, "Allowing your emotional response to rule your actions gives them tremendous power over you and completely disempowers you."
...or something like that.
John
Here are Kat and Scott's posts: (since I hate hunting back to read these things)
KATS POST:
"Allowing others to be the cause of your emotions gives them tremendous power over you and completely disempowers you."
Well, obviously, we're not talking about generic "others" in this situation, though, we're talking about one's partner in life! And OF course, my DH's feelings, moods to a degree and state of mind affect me. And mine, him. He's the most important person in my life. When you open up your heart, mind and body to another person, and obviously, CARE what they think then....yes, they affect you. That's the way it works. We are vunerable to one another by choice and that's why we can hurt one another so deeply. There is an implicit responsibility in the relationship to share the happiness AND the pain.
I do agree that allowing acquaintances, friends, even family members to unduly influence one's self perception and emotions, to a unhealthy degree, isn't wise but the husband and wife relationship is on a completely different level, trustwise, IMO. So yes, I guess we will have to disagree on that. The OP will have to decide for herself if the trust in her marriage is irretrievably broken or not.
But I'm sorry, Scott, I'm not buying that even the most language/sensitivity challenged man cannot say "I'm sorry honey, I don't know what's wrong with me." That doesn't require communication skills, it just requires the willingness to ask for help from his wife."
SCOTTS POST:
"Kat and Tish,
I really see where both of you are coming from and on a level can totally agree. All I am saying is that we can only be responsible for our end of any problem, and often times the only way to empower yourself is to change your perception of the situation. The viewpoint that he doesn't care about her, is an evaluation not an observation. The fact that he won't discuss it with her could mean many, many things. It could mean he is ashamed of it, it could mean that he feels it will correct itself with time, it could be that he has no idea how to communicate...it could mean anything. I believe this because I deeply believe that all people want to contribute to the people they love and want their lives to be as happy as possible. The only reason that they don't is that they are completely out of touch with their own needs and feelings and many of us were never taught how to communicate properly.
Kat, you and I would disagree too about the nature of feelings. Feelings are a direct reflection of perception of a given situation. That's why two people will not have the same emotional response to the same situation; they both perceive the situation differently because they are different people with different experiences. My wife doesn't like to ride the bus because she doesn't want to be close enough to a stranger to make physical contact...it makes her tense and uncomfortable. My oldest daughter loves to take the bus because she comes in contact with other people and the shoulder to shoulder touch comforts her and makes her really happy...Completely opposite reactions to the same stimulae.
If the OP waits for her husband to change in order to be happy I hope that she is really, really patient...because she may be waiting a long time. Allowing others to be the "cause" of your emotions gives them tremendous power and complete disempowers you. The only way that she can empower herself is change the perception of the situation first, and then decide what to do from there. She may confront him and request that he or they get help and if he will not do that she can move on, and that is a perfectly reasonable request. However, she cannot ever make choices from a place of victimhood, only from a place of empowerment. Empowerment can only be attained by owning ones life situation.
Peace.
Scott.
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