HELP - Sad about lack of sex and passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
HELP - Sad about lack of sex and passion
42
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:23pm

Hi,

I am a 38 and have been in a relationship for 12years. We used to have a sensational sex life though over the past few years it has become very average. I have spoken to my partner about this and he just clams up. THE problem now has become NO sex. It has been over 12months since he has touched me, I have tried to initiate sex and been knocked back many times. I told my partner I was not going to initiate anymore as continually knocking me back hurts and that his lack of interest and desire is making me feel ugly and un loveable. Like many men he can not communicate in words his feelings (he has always been like this) He says he is not having an affair and he dosn't know why he has no sexual desire.( I believe him and know he loves me) I am now so hurt, angry and sad that our intimacy has died that I am now living with a defence barrier up and we can not even have a laugh. The really bad thing about this is the tension in the house, we are not fighting but are just going through the motions of living together wich I do not think is a great envireoment for our beautiful 6 month old daughter.

Does anyone have any idea what may be going on or what I should do. I really am geting very depressed over the whole situation.

Thanks and regards

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:29pm

Hey I took so long to compose my post that Scott beat me to it!

I am big on meditation (praying). During times of stress or conflict, I sit and meditate for 15 or 20 minutes. It is amazing how all becomes clear.

I remember reading about the blind mountain climber who made it up Mt. Everest. He told a story about his guide telling him:

"The mind is like a glass of muddy water. Stop stirring and it becomes clear."

Good Luck, Lisamarisa

John

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:48pm

Hi John,

Yep, this is become interesting (lol!)

I truly, deeply, do not believe that another CAUSES your emotions. If another did, we would all have exactly the same emotional response to the same stimulae (my example of my wife and daughter). We don't have the same responses, which means that our emotions come up due to our particular perception of the event. Our emotions are ours...we feel them in our body, they are not caused by anyone or anything. They are our thoughts made physical. They are wonderful and can help us to guide our lives and discover what needs we have and even how to take care of them, but they are ours. Saying that someone else "made me sad" "made me happy" denies that fact. My perception of their actions brings up emotions, good or bad, (my wife grabs my crotch and kisses me I feel great...the neighbor guy grabs my crotch and kisses me, I get angry and punch him) same action, different perception.

"Love" to me is the natural state of our being that we can perceive completely when we feel safe and nurtured. Love is not an emotion it is our natural state and the core of our being. All decisions made from a place of love are right and perfect. However, we can only experience the Love that we are if we are calm and in balance. Emotions: Anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, and joy are all things we feel in our bodies to help us find balance and calmness...basically those feelings allow us to know what part of our life needs attention so that we can find balance (and therefore love).

I know this is an unusual way of looking at things, but it is the way I see it.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:51pm

John,

Meditating and prayer is great advice! I've been practicing meditation for years and it can really help with clarity and equanimity.

Peace.
SCott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:57pm

"...truly, deeply, do not believe that another CAUSES your emotions. If another did, we would all have exactly the same emotional to the same stimulae."

How does having different reactions to the same situations negate the fact that the situation is still the cause? A bear comes out of nowhere in the forest and one person runs and the other freezes in fear and gets killed. The fact still remains that the bear caused the reactions however different they may be.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:13pm

Rain dancer (cool name),

Your example is interesting, but not really analogus to my point. Fear has a purpose and saving your life from a bear is the proper purpose. In your example, both people saw the bear as a threat and both felt fear and went into the "fight or flight" response. One instinct told them to play dead (freezing is a way of fleeing) the other to run. Fear was an instinctive response to the threat of death...both people felt the same thing, they just took different actions.

A better analogy would be "Bear walks out of the woods, one guy runs because he is afraid, the other is a bear specialist and is intrigued by the close contact...he's exhilerated and excited." Same action different emotion. The bear didn't cause the emotion, the perception of the event did.

Peace.
Scott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:21pm

But it doesn't seem that Lisa IS being overly emotional about this very serious situation, from the tone of her post. She's still able to joke about it and seems to accept the situation, even if she can't understand it, as it is for the moment.

My concern is that she will feel completely responsible for putting her relationship back together on her own, with no help from her husband. On top of taking care of a new baby. That's an almost impossible task.

And I don't want her to feel victimized or trapped by this neglect either, just to make her feelings and position clear to him before she finds another year of her life gone. My prayers will certainly be with her and her husband.

And thank you for the personal compliment but I think we ALL can sympathize as well as empathize with a poster in such a difficult and painful circumstance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:21pm

I think that emotions are great. We obviously have them for a reason.

Most of the time they help us, especially when they tell us to RUN FROM THAT BEAR! Occassionally they hurt us, like in a relationship where one's emotional response negatively reinforces the partner's emotional response, worsening the problem.

Perhaps my idea is for Lisamarisa to detach herself from her emotional response this once in order to formulate a response to her partner that will not trigger his "RUN TO THE CAVE!" emotional response.

If, when dealing with this specific relationship problem, Lisamarisa does not act on her emotion (feeling it and acknowledging the emotion is great, though), she can remain firm with him in not allowing this behavior continue. Perhaps that's why counseling is so effective; there is an impartial participant in the efforts to fix the problem.

John

P.S. She needs to prompt his PARALYZING FEAR response so that he will stay still while she beats some sense into him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:25pm

I don't think she's being overly emotional either Kat...just sad.

I add my prayers to yours for dear Lisa.

Love,
Scott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:27pm
In other words...Let go and let God.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:27pm

John:

"If, when dealing with this specific relationship problem, Lisamarisa does not act on her emotion (feeling it and acknowledging the emotion is great, though), she can remain firm with him in not allowing this behavior continue. Perhaps that's why counseling is so effective; there is an impartial participant in the efforts to fix the problem."

Perfectly, succinctly said :0).

Peace.
Scott.