He's just a total Guy about it
Find a Conversation
He's just a total Guy about it
| Wed, 05-25-2005 - 2:21pm |
Okay, my fiance and I have been together almost five years.
We started dating when I was very young and there is a 5 year age difference but We were both were eachothers first. .
My fiance is my bestfriend and we love to be around eachother and for the most part he is caring and very patient with me- however our sex live is very boring and there is no foreplay. I almost think it is because we never took the time to learn about the "right and pleasurable" elements. When we do have sex it is much like our first time, no foreplay, some kissing and it is over pretty fast. I am a very shy person so I know I am also to blame, I'm hesitant but when my fiance and I talk about bettering our sex life we see it in two different ways- to him this means MORE sex, trying anal sex and oral sex more often. To me it means finding a deeper conection, openly talking about sex and what we enjoy- and actual foreplay. A few months ago he started not being able to last as long during sex (probably due to hardly ever getting it) So we talked about it and decided we would try to have sex on a regular basis so that wouldn't happen- I also got up the courage to tell him that I have a hard time climaxing( truth is for the past year I haven't been able to) I also told him we need to try different things to spice up our sex life and I tried going down on him a few times since I never had before but he kinda pushed me away a few minutes into it. Sometimes he tries to incorperate forplay but it feels rushed and not sincere,He doesn't seem to take it seriously and he's so used to finishing first it's not even an issue with him anymore, he's definatly not one of those guys that gets aroused seeing his mate aroused- with him he doesn't care either way. Sometimes he doesn't even try to slow down or take me into consideration.
I need advice as to what to do because we have already talked about these things and I've tried to step up to the plate but he never gets the hint that something needs to change.
We started dating when I was very young and there is a 5 year age difference but We were both were eachothers first. .
My fiance is my bestfriend and we love to be around eachother and for the most part he is caring and very patient with me- however our sex live is very boring and there is no foreplay. I almost think it is because we never took the time to learn about the "right and pleasurable" elements. When we do have sex it is much like our first time, no foreplay, some kissing and it is over pretty fast. I am a very shy person so I know I am also to blame, I'm hesitant but when my fiance and I talk about bettering our sex life we see it in two different ways- to him this means MORE sex, trying anal sex and oral sex more often. To me it means finding a deeper conection, openly talking about sex and what we enjoy- and actual foreplay. A few months ago he started not being able to last as long during sex (probably due to hardly ever getting it) So we talked about it and decided we would try to have sex on a regular basis so that wouldn't happen- I also got up the courage to tell him that I have a hard time climaxing( truth is for the past year I haven't been able to) I also told him we need to try different things to spice up our sex life and I tried going down on him a few times since I never had before but he kinda pushed me away a few minutes into it. Sometimes he tries to incorperate forplay but it feels rushed and not sincere,He doesn't seem to take it seriously and he's so used to finishing first it's not even an issue with him anymore, he's definatly not one of those guys that gets aroused seeing his mate aroused- with him he doesn't care either way. Sometimes he doesn't even try to slow down or take me into consideration.
I need advice as to what to do because we have already talked about these things and I've tried to step up to the plate but he never gets the hint that something needs to change.

He sounds like a selfish lover.
Hi CDG,
First of all, the attitude that your fiance' has is not "being a total guy", it's just being immature in my opinion.
While it's wonderful that the two of you are exclusive were each other's "first", sometimes when this is the case you get a little "inbred"...in other words, you haven't got a vast background to draw on. My guess is that you are both still young, and lovemaking is a skill that develops over time and with the release of the ego.
Something that my wife and I like to do once a month (we've been married for 18 years), is to have a day every month where the other is "Spoiled"...that's what we call it anyway. What it is is where one partner simply gives to the other partner...whatever they want. It can be oral, manual, massages toys whatever...everything but intercourse. Because that day is purely for one to receive and the other to give. After having done this for a while, I actually get as much joy (sometimes more) from just giving and getting no orgasm in return. You might want to suggest something like this just for fun. It will introduce him to the idea that it's just fun to make your partners toes curl and doing this can encourage both of you to spend more time in foreplay and to be creative with your sex play.
Good luck.
Scott.
This definitely needs to be resolved before you get married! Sexual dissatisfaction can cause frustration, which leads to anger and resentment, particularly, if you don't feel that your needs are being heard or considered! I would strongly suggest premarital counseling where all these issues can be discussed and where you'll receive very helpful tips on communicating more effectively.
But no, he's NOT being a "total guy" about it. My DH has always loved to see me aroused and orgasm, and I was his first, so he had no prior experience either. Ignorance is really no excuse for igoring a problem your partner has. Your DH is probably perplexed as to what to do about the problem.
The focus needs to be taken OFF intercourse, and put on what happens before or instead of it. Taking the time to give one another a massage or to spend the whole time on you one night and him the next, can do wonders when only one seems to be getting attention. My DH and I will give one another a "King/Queen for the night" session once a month where anything, within reason, goes.
The only way to slow your guy down and get him to HEAR you, is to take the initiative and begin changing things yourself. There is no reason why he can't provide you with one orgasm BEFORE intercourse via oral or manual stimulation. Now, you mentioned that he suggested oral and anal pleasure, but what's in this for you? Is he going to reciprocate? These things need to be discussed and agreed upon, just like anything else.
Be honest about your lack of enjoyment, as diplomatically as possible. But he needs to be reminded that your pleasure SHOULD be as important to him as his own. IF it's not, then he's just being plain selfish.
Speak up now, or you're only encouraging behavior that will cause great frustration in the future.
Edited 5/25/2005 3:01 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Like the others have said, unfortunately the key to this whole thing lies with you. There are two of you in the bedroom and ONE of them is getting what he wants. A quick and satisfactory orgasm. So the other one, YOU, has to be the one to change what happens. You're going to HAVE to be more assertive and less shy about the whole thing. You're going to have to tell him what you want and to suggest various ideas. You're going to have to control what goes on for a while until he comes to understand what you want and what you like and that you are not getting it now.
For starters, try that foreplay again. And a good place to start would be with a massage. Don't just try to give him oral sex straight out of the gate, try a massage first, then try some oral sex, and go from there. Next time, get HIM to give you the massage. Get him to give YOU oral sex. Slow him down if he wants to rush to the main course. Tell him you want him to keep doing what he's doing for a while longer. Get yourself some lingerie, a vibrator, some lube, chocolate. Try anything that stops him rushing to the intercourse and that encourages foreplay.
But remember, it's you that makes the difference at the end of the day.