He's right, I'm pushing him away...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 12-12-2004 - 4:15pm |
I was told something today that has caused a complete holt in my relationship.
I asked my bf a hypothetical question and his answer was exactly what any GUY would answer. I was really put off by this but as we were speaking on the phone I was trying desperately to think about it rationally and not be so hurt by his answer. I become completely silent when something bothers me because I tend to over-analyze things to make sense out of them in my head before I say things that I don't mean etc. Anyways, he asked me straight up if there was anything wrong and I repeatedly said no. Nothing was wrong in the sense that I was seriously MAD. I wasn't MAD. I just was put off by the whole notion that regardless of whether or not my bf was in a relationship, he'd have sex. It's a harsh reality for me to hear but the thing is I've always known this.
I'm not trying to trash talk men but it's true that guys **generally** "get around" more because they don't associate sex with emotions .
Anyways...this morning I called him and told him why I was upset and we talked about it and it was fine. But he told me this morning, that it's becoming harder for him to be pushed away. (hence, my not telling him whats wrong when he asked) He sounded a little bit pissed because he actually said I "bulls*****" him. I've never felt so terrible. I love him so much but this is my inability to be straight up every single time something negative goes through my brain.I'm really scared I'm gonna mess everything up. I know this is more of a relationship thing, but it's going to cross over into our sex lives. I can't have sex knowing he's getting mad with me when it honestly is my own fault for lying to him and telling him there is nothing wrong and not to worry. I'm fine with the physical closeness, but it's the other type of closeness that is becoming hard for me to handle. Which is strange..it's usually the other way around isn't it?
Anyways my question is..I really honestly am trying to tell him things that bother me. It's not like I don't tell him. I just need my time to analyze it properly and rationally before I go to talk to him about it. I just needed to vent a little but if anyone has the tendency or has had the tendency to push people away this way..your advice is MORE than welcome here.

I'm beginning to wonder if you need this guy. This relationship is becoming quite complicated pretty quickly when it should be complicated at all. You've already said in the past that he is senstive and over-analyses things. You also decided that you needed a bit of breathing space so that your school work wouldn't suffer amongst other things. Now this.
If you'd said at the time that you were mad, maybe just by telling him that you were a bit disturbed that you didn't know that guys felt that way about casual sex, then the scene with him may have been avoided. Part of the problem is that part of you is wondering if he is just having casual sex with you. If he is serious about you he would have been annoyed by your question because he would have felt that you were giving him the third degree about his intentions, thinly veiled by some rubbish about a 'conversation' that you had with your g/f's. Basically, whether you realise or not, you've just asked him if he's only having casual sex with you and then appeared to have gotten mad when he gave you a response. What meaning do you think that he got from that conversation?
I think that you're playing games with him. You're over analysing things yourself and not just enjoying the relationship. You seem to be questioning everything in it. Taking a good look at a relationship isn't a bad thing, but sometimes trying to extract meaning from meaningless things isn't, and saying meaningless things without meaning anything is pointless too.
I don't think that you're really doing anything wrong. I just don't think that you and this guy are perhaps clicking like you should if you find that you are questioning everything.
I didn't expect him to say that "yea ofcourse" he'd have sex with a woman even if he wasn't in a relationship with her. To me that saying, relationships aren't important when it comes to sex.
When he said today that if *I* asked him to break up but *I* wanted a sexual relationship he'd say yes -because it would be a way to be with me AND because of the sex thing.
I love him. I absolutely am in love with him but I love him- who he is, completely & entirely. Inside, when I think about life without him, I cringe. I know I'd be a wreck if I didn't have him to run to and smile and kiss and care for and talk to and love.
I've never been vulnerable to anyone the way I am to him. I've learned to trust A LOT more than I've ever known how to trust. When I'm with him, it's just as comfortable as being with myself.
I think I'm making it complicated because of two things:
1.) My inability to admit to people when something is wrong and trying to handle it on my own. = I guess you can call that pride.
2.) My fear of losing people. (My dad passed away about a year and a half ago and ever since then, I've been scared to lose important people in my life, so I'd just push them away to protect myself; if I don't need someone, it won't hurt so much when they're gone for whatever reason.)
I know these things. I've identified my issues and everybody has issues and everybody has to work through them. To work through mine, I've learned to open up, slowly and surely, to my bf. I've begun telling him when something is wrong. This is my attempt to fix what's wrong with ME. And as for my fear of losing people, I just remind myself that I'm very lucky right NOW and things happen that are out of my control.
I'm just having a tough time hearing him say that it's getting hard for him to be pushed away. It really killed me when he said that because I am trying and I don't want to lose him. I don't think I've cried like that since my dad passed away. I know he was upset that I lied to him. It was MY fault. I should have been straight up with him, but something inside me has an automatic shutoff when someone asks me what's wrong and I just say "nothing".
As for us clicking. We have a good friendship. We've always been friends. We see eye to eye on a lot and when we don't we listen to each other and ask questions and learn from each other. I think that's a good way of clicking. As a couple, we've become the same way. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm questioning my habit because it's hurting him. I questioned his idea of sex because if it didn't carry the intention that mine did, I'd be extremely hurt.
This is our first MAJOR thing. We've never had any serious problems before. He's never done or said anything to me that made me feel so confused as I have felt today. I just want this to stop because I have exams and I need to have a clear mine but I'm stressed out over the exams themselves, and this problem...and he's recording stuff with his band and he shouldn't have to worry about this stuff, he should be focused and feel good about stuff going in.
You do over-analyse almost everything in your relationship with him.
>>>I asked my bf a hypothetical question and his answer was exactly what any GUY would answer. I was really put off by this<<<
You're so upset and hurt because 'he bursted your bubbles'. You thought he's so special and wonderful... he's not just ANY GUY, he's totally different. Sorry that you've to face the truth, ALL men are flawed. Well, you're learning more and more about him, things you like and things you don't like... this is just a normal part of relationship. You will encounter more things about him which you won't like, guaranteed.
It was only a hypothetical question... who knows what he would really do in that situation. You should stop complicating things. His hypothetical "emotionless sex" and your "lying and pushing" really aren't devastating or unforgivable... true love can stand the test of these obstacles (ok, a bit sarcastic). Just focus on two things: happy love and good sex (and schoolwork and other stuff too).
Okay I just wanted to share this because I read your posts, thought about everything and spoke to my bf last night.
I just want to say that I analyze a lot of things thats the way I am but I don't analyze everything. That's impossible for one, and two those things that I have analyzed to death, aren't the most serious things in the world. When I come on here and vent or ask opinions I've never been upset, or angry, or hysterical. I've always been in a rational state of mind, rational in the sense that I, myself, am trying to understand these things that seem to bother me. You can't throw away things if they bother you and just dismiss them, you have to deal with them. So analyzing, talking about it helps me. Also, when he said pushing him away, he meant that when he shows concern I TRY to dismiss whatever is bothering me in front of him so he won't have to get all concerned. So somethin's backwards a little here, which is why I'm writing this post.
Anyways, we spoke last night on the phone. We continued our conversation about how he feels that I'm pushing him away and it's beginning to bother him. He said it's never bothered him before, he always trusted that whatever was wrong, I would take care of it because that's my way of handling things. However, Saturday night's thing took a turn and showed him that he does really get concerned about doesn't want me to lie to him and just tell him everything's okay and not to worry.
I listened to what he had to say. I admitted that I should be more open with not only him but everyone I have a habit of doing this with. So I told him I'm going to make a promise to him, for myself, my other relationships, him and our relationship that when he asks me what's wrong I'm either going to tell him I don't want to talk about it right at that time & just tell the person later on, OR be straight up and tell them what it is that's seems to be the trouble. He also asked me what he could do to help and I told him he doesn't have to be afraid to say things to me because I don't flip out easily. Sometimes little things get to me but a day later I think they're stupid. But I've never got mad at him or been furious with him or anything like that. He's been really great as a friend and a boyfriend.
So, I'm really happy because this has taught me something:
I have a boyfriend who recognized a problem and came to me with it. He didn't shove it under the rug. On top of that, he wants it to change because he knows it's not the right way of dealing with things and he wants to help me change that.
I'm really happy that we talked. I feel SO much better about everything, it's unexplainable.
I'm sure we'll come to bigger problems in our relationship but now that I know we can handle something by talking about it and being productive about it, I feel so mch more confident of US.
Thanks guys, appreciate the advice, I do!