He's a Sex Freak!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
He's a Sex Freak!
5
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:44am
I got myself into an interesting situation last night while out drinking with friends. We were pretty hammered and after some amusing late night gutter-talk banter with the group of guys and the female bar staff in the bar, the rest of the guys left and the two of us were talking.

I've only known this guy for a few months and I was a bit surprised to find us talking about sex, and our partners. I rarely talk about sex with 'the guys'. Just not comfortable with it.

Anyway, the conversation turned to porn movies (we'd been gutter-talking about them earlier with the group). I admitted that I usually watched them with the missus. He grumbled about how HIS missus never wanted to watch them until recently. He continued on and told me how he had been working out of town for the week and when he got back his wife had watched a couple that he had. She admitted to him that she had got off watching them even though she thought that they were pretty lame. He had thought that this was pretty good because she never masturbates normally and while she had known he'd had them, had never been interested in watching them before. (If you're wondering, this isn't exactly how he put it when he explained it to me. I've translated it from guy-speak)

But then she told him that she didn't want to watch them again because she didn't want to become some kind of sex freak. 'Did that mean that you think I am a sex freak?', he asked her. She replied that she didn't know.

He was wondering how he could convince her that it was all pretty normal, that he wasn't a sex freak, and go back to his happy normal sex life.

FWIW, I told him that she'd get over it once she thought about it a bit more. I told him that it was probably a good thing in the long run and that it might help their relationship. The 'sex freak' thing was her trying to rationalise the erotic feelings that she had against what ever it was in her background or upbringing that was against the movies. (Again, that's not exactly how I explained it to him. I translated it into guy-speak).

Any thoughts about this? I really doubt that I'm going to go back to this guy and give him any more advice on the subject. In the cold light of day and with the throbbing head he's probably regretting spilling the beans and I know that I won't be the one to bring it up again with him. (And Yes! It REALLY is a friend and not me that I'm talking about :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 10:26am
I'm sure you're right.....she's "rationalizing" the fact that she enjoyed them, lame or not. Women of a "certain age" were brought up thinking that porn is a guy thing, and that women either hated it, or at the very least, weren't affected by it. (I say women of a "certain age", because the younger women are much more liberal about it usually, in fact some of them ARE into it just as much as guys.)

When I grew up in the 50's.....sex was a guy thing! Women didn't necessarily HATE it, but it was still viewed as something that guys loved, and women could provide. I never imagined that women could or did masturbate. I never even heard the word "orgasm" till the 70's! I wasn't "repressed", and I think I was pretty typical of women my age at the time. Some older women still think and feel the same way! Some of us have progressed, and realize that we can and should enjoy sex just as much as men. The only problem that I see is that in the "old days"....we "enjoyed" sex......NOW, it's like something that must be perfected, and if it's NOT perfect, there's too much angst over it, which effectively ruins the whole thing. It's really sad to read posts from women who're agonizing over lack of orgasms, or lack of a particular kind of orgasm, or even lack of intensity when they DO have them. Like, "I can't have orgasms, so why bother?" If they only understood that sex isn't about orgasms, and that if they learned to relax and enjoy sex, the orgasms would come all by themselves. It was much easier when we just enjoyed it, and enjoyed being with our partners, and didn't feel that we had "goals" that had to be met, or there was something wrong with us.

I was introduced to "porn" as a "tool" not too many years ago. I'd seen it before that, and all I did was giggle, and think how stupid it was. That was because I didn't understand the point of it. Now I do, and I enjoy it occasionally.

Some people have a very hard time letting go of the "old ideas", so when something like this happens, no matter how much she enjoyed it, she still had feelings of "guilt" over it. Particularly with porn....there are also insecurities...."does he want one of those young bodies?" "I've had 4 kids, and my body will never look like that again!"

Hopefully, she'll lighten up, and they'll be able to enjoy it together, and possibly open up new ideas and adventures.....and improve their sex lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 10:47am
I think with time she will get over it. I think as women we are expected not to like porn, and if we do there's something wrong with us. After all, aren't we told all the time(by society) how it only caters to men, it's exploiting women, and that it creates unrealistic expectations from men? So what woman could enjoy something that is so anti-woman, right? You know, as a young girl I had looked at my older brother's porno magazines. I was curious about what was so interesting about them. They definitely turned me on, but it was not something I ever would have admitted(at the time). It took a long time for me to admit to my DH that I liked it, because I felt like I was weird or something because I liked it.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 11:12am
His wife reminds me of me. Although slightly different. I was no stranger to porn growing up. Most of my BF's had magazines of which I enjoyed reading. I knew what their main purpose was(even though I was young). I enjoyed reading books and I also began purchasing Playgirl. Then at 19 I met my DH. Together we ventured to a XXX movie theatre and we enjoyed it immensely. However, I will admit it was a bit creepy. Since we were both living at home, our treat occasionally was to go to the theatre and then rent a motel room. When VHS was born and we were married, we continued to rent porn, occasionally. We never purchased any movies because we never had the desire to watch the same thing again, and by that time we had children, and just didn't seem comfortable owning them. Eventually, the local video stores that carried them shut down, and those that carried them stopped. Since we weren't dilligent, we just settled for soft-porn on pay-per-view, which has been basically the only porn we've viewed for the past few years. Recently(well...the past two years), we've discussed purchasing DVD's over the net. It's funny though. For some reason we're both hesitant and excited at the same time. I think that somewhere between having our daughters and losing touch with hard-core, we've somehow changed, morally. If anything, we should have thought that way when we watched porn while we were young. Linda Lovelace, Traci-Lords, Dorothy Stratton, to name a few. I remember watching a documentary on Stratton(years after she was killed), and her sister was being interviewed(she must have confided a lot in her sister). She said that Dorothy told her that in one film one actor had to straddle her face and jerk-off to completion. She said she hated every minute of it, particularly when she had to take it on the face. I had a flash-back at that moment. I remembered seeing that exact scene. I remembered her expressions and body language was conflicting what was suppose to be depicted on screen(her enjoyment). Anyhow, it affected me somehow, but, I digress. Today, I would only purchase reputable woman-friendly porn.

We also tried the internet route. The curiousity of home-made porn and people who actually enjoyed being filmed. How naive, because we saw some things that weren't pleasant as well as too much teen porn.

As far as porn making me a sex freak. Yep, it does. How can it not? I think it's part of the reason that he's been pushing me off of the hard stuff. ;-) Personally, it's a quick release because I get so aroused. I've even orgasmed without any stimulation at all. I'm not really myself...I get so doused with lust...and it's over before it begins.

In any event, I too have mixed feelings about the porn industry. Like the drug industry, I lost faith in it years ago after having a halluicinating experience with pot. As I matured, my eyes were opened as to how bad the porn industry was treating women, and it's has been a slow ride back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:30am
Thanks for responding everyone. I found it very interesting. He and his wife are probably a little younger than me, in their early thirties. I don't know anything about her background or her family. It does seem that she has reacted like someone that learnt that porn was for boys or just nasty while growing up.

What surprises me about it is that I wouldn't have expected a woman in her early thirties to be quite so freaked out by porn as she seems to be. For some reason (or perhaps it's just in my experience) most women that age are usually not so 'uptight' about it and don't consider mainstream porn 'freaky'. Maybe it was just her choice of words?

My partner is OK with it. She could take it or leave it normally but we sometimes watch the odd blue movie and we thoroughly enjoy the sex that happens afterwards. My ex would get more turned on by it than I would.

I'm interested in that she 'got off' watching it when she normally never masturbates. If that's true, that she never masturbates, then that's quite possibly a good thing. Perhaps she will feel a bit more comfortable with her body and desires. I suppose it could go the other way too. She may feel guilty about doing something that she normally doesn't do.

Whatever happens I wish him the best of luck and hope things sort themselves out.

Avatar for cl_tally33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:05am
The first time of seeing porn is...weird. I don't know how else to put it, afterwards when you think it over and realize just what you've seen (real people engaged in very intimate acts even if there is no real intimacy between them), people doing it with every one else that strolls by...it just feels strange. So it takes awhile to get your mind around the fact that you actually enjoyed it.

I'm close to the age of your friend's wife (37) although my initiation into porn was much earlier. When DH and I were dating, I got him to take me to a drive in porn theater nearby. Even though I knew him well, I was still very embarrassed at what we were watching together (although very turned on). I just kept sitting there thinking "I cannot BELIEVE I am watching people do this!" and I was shocked at how aroused I was. I was embarrassed to talk about it the next day, or for quite awhile. I imagine your friend's wife is feeling the same way. It takes awhile to get past that feeling.

Tally33


"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Lewis Carroll












Tally33 "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." Lewis Carroll