He's stiff... not in a good way.
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| Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:38pm |
Hi all,
My question is about the new guy I have been seeing. We haven't had sex yet. He's 32 and very good looking, however, he told me that the longest relationship he's ever been in was only 5 months. My longest was over 2 years. He is severely lacking in bedroom skills.
He is not a very good kisser, but we're working on that. A little instruction and lots of practice has gotten us to a tolerable level of kissing skill. When we hit the sheets though... that's where the problems really start. He seems overly excited, gropey, and VERY nervous. I'm not lying when I say that he has no clue what's going on in the bedroom. Seriously, we're starting from scratch here.
True story: the first time we slept in the same bed, he came while we were kissing and doing some very light petting over the clothes. This made him VERY nervous and stand offish.
Does anyone have any sort of advice on how to approach this situation? I REALLY like him otherwise. We have great chemistry outside of the bedroom. I'm just wondering about things I can say that will make him comfortable in relaxing and just going with the flow... and perhaps just to let me lead for the first couple of times in order to show him how this sex thing is supposed to work.
Also, perhaps some questions to ask him while we aren't in the bedroom in order to get to the bottom of this. I'm starting to fear that he may actually be a virgin and he just doesn't want to tell me... though I couldn't imagine such a good looking, successful, nice man having slipped through the cracks all these years. And now he's knocking on my door so passionately.

You may want to try some of the sex education tapes. I know that they sell some at tootimid.com and the prices are pretty good.Sounds like you have great communication and he wants to learn . That's half the battle :)
Also with the dvd's you may want to say something like you wanted some new ideas or something to not hurt his feelings and maybe watching it together would be fun for you and educational for him.Sorry, I can't be more help but the dvd's have helped my hubby and I a bit.
Welcome to the board faaabulous.
Whether your new BF is a virgin or not, it does sound like he might need to learn some things. While you're in an excellent position to teach him, it could also hurt his feelings, especially if he's not a virgin (or not admitting he's a virgin). As the other member recommended, videos can be great. The website, www.the-clitoris.com, is full of information about the female anatomy and how females reach orgasm. While you may already know this information, sharing it with him, in the form of a website, takes you off the hook of teaching him everything. You could present it as a "check this out, I've been wanting to try to "fill in the blank", and this website has some great info about it. That gets him there to explore on his own and learn.
It also sounds like he has problems with premature ejaculation (PE). That could be a reason that he rushes everything or seems as if he isn't very educated. PE can be stressful for guys, but there are ways they can help overcome the condition. He could also just have anxiety about the new partner/new relationship. Since you haven't actually had sex with him yet, it could be that he won't have problems with PE once he gets comfortable with you as a partner. Here are a few articles that you might find helpful:
"My guy suffers from premature ejaculation" (Please, Squeeze, At Ease)
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/experts/sexexpert/qas/0,,696792_705900,00.html
Written by Ian Kerner who has overcome this himself.
Topical Spray May Treat Premature Ejaculation
http://health.ivillage.com/familycare/familycarenews/0,,wbnews_b6kgfrnk,00.html
Sex: Coping with Husband's Premature Ejaculation
http://health.ivillage.com/sexualhealth/sxcommunicate/0,,6gtv,00.html
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You have an interesting problem and a great oppratunity to create a great relationship. This guy is afraid he is not acceptable to you. It is showing up with his sexual nervousness and inexperience. He tells you that he has never had a relationship that has lasted more than 5 months. He is setting himself up for the expectation of failure. He is also saying look, I like you and don't want to hurt you, but be ready because my relationships always fail.
The implication is he does something to mess the relationship up. That something may be his sexual insecurity and inexperience.
You have an oppratunity to love him and possably help him grow. If the two of you can work on this together and achieve some success you will have a wonderful relationship based on mutual respect. There is also a tremendous risk involved if it does not work out.
I would suggest growing the relationship but limiting sexual activity to kissing and hand holding. This will give both of you time to get to know each other and explore all the issues without having to deal with all the pressure and expectations that sexual activity can bring. If you engage in lots of sexual activity now, you will get to know how he fails sexually but you will never get to know him. Get to know him first then the sexual failings can be worked out in an atmosphere of trust, safety and love. Who knows, if he feels safe the sexual stuff may just take care of itself.
If he cums the next time you are kissing, wrap you arms around him and hold him tight and give him a big kiss. It will probably confuse him a lot. He will be thinking I just did a dumb, embarassing thing and now she is holding on to me. Does she like me even though I am a sexual dork?
If you kiss the frog, he may turn into a prince.
"I'm starting to fear that he may actually be a virgin and he just doesn't want to tell me... though I couldn't imagine such a good looking, successful, nice man having slipped through the cracks all these years. And now he's knocking on my door so passionately.
"
You may want to work on your own feelings about all of this if you are developing feelings for this guy. If you are so concerned/fearful that he is a virgin, while you may try hard not to say anything to hurt him, you're doubts in him will most likely show in your face expressions and body language. As a prior poster said, if he comes so quickly just making out, give him a hug and kiss to let him know it's not a big deal.
"He is not a very good kisser, but we're working on that. A little instruction and lots of practice has gotten us to a tolerable level of kissing skill. When we hit the sheets though... that's where the problems really start."
I wonder if your thoughts are being conveyed to him. You consider this all a "problem". Ok so he is 32 years old, good looking, successfully and never learned the fine points in making out or having sex. There are lots of good looking people out there in the world who are insecure with themselves for various reasons. Evidently he hasn't found a partner yet who truly just enjoyed him for being him. As he has told you, his longest relationship has been 5 months. Others may have had their expectations that he is suppose to live up to. Just like you have here about him being a virgin. He's had nothing but failure when it comes to partners so he's likely expecting this relationship to fail also. You've already let him know he wasn't up to kissing properly. Imagine how he feels about trying to have sex. He's not thinking about enjoying himself with you. He's thinking about how he is going to not please you. With your expectations, you might be physically giving him clues he's failing without you even realizing.
So you're first goal, instead of trying to teach him. is to just allow him to try to enjoy the experience. Let him know it's okay if this or that happens or doesn't work out. You've not going anywhere because he's not the world's greatest lover. You've trying to have fun playing and learning together. You have to build up his confidence and most important, his trust in you. Intimacy can't develop in a relationship without trust. You have to show him he doesn't have to be perfect and it is okay for him to learn and grow as a lover.
Edited 8/29/2007 11:02 am ET by tryinghard55