high level porn use
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high level porn use
| Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:33pm |
We all see threads from women who's men who indulge in high level porn use. I'm not talking once a week - I'm talking hours online every night. I'm talking about the man who masturbates so often that he's got no desire left for real sex with a real woman.
My thoughts are that this hypothetical man is weary of his marriage, and that the porn use is a symptom. That perhaps he no longer feels the love for his wife that he once did and instead of communicating the problems and fixing them - he retreats into porn.
Thoughts? Do you think that high level porn use is a symptom of a man who needs to address marriage issues?

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There are marriages out there that are perfectly fine that still end up with a partner using porn or cheating anyway, so I'm not at liberty to say that its always going to be due to marriage issues for that reason.
I DO believe, though, that a man who uses porn or even anything to the point that it hinders the relationship even more...would NOT be responsible for addressing the issue. IMO, no matter what the problem is, its the couple together that should address, but as always, each relationship has different ways of dealing with different issues.
C H A R A C T E R
Using your description of this hypothetical man's use, I would agree that he's using porn to escape...either from his marriage or stress on the job or several things.
And I've known of many men who used alcohol, drugs, food, video games, TV, you name it, to do the same thing. Particularly, when they don't communicate well and feel overwhelmed.
>>There are marriages out there that are perfectly fine that still end up with a partner using porn or cheating anyway<<
Do you really think so? I would have thought that the great marriage would keep a partner so thoroughly satisfied that they wouldn't cheat or use porn to an extreme level.
I'm also inclined to believe that a person who has their *every emotional need* being met by their partner would not cheat. Also, there is the consideration that someone who cheats/uses high level porn does not fully respect their partner - and without respect, a marriage is not perfectly fine.
(Making it clear that I'm not talking about cheaters in general. And I'm not talking about obviously dysfunctional relationships. But specifically those in what appears to be a 'perfect' relationship)
>>I DO believe, though, that a man who uses porn or even anything to the point that it hinders the relationship even more...would NOT be responsible for addressing the issue. IMO, no matter what the problem is, its the couple together that should address, but as always, each relationship has different ways of dealing with different issues.<<
totally agree!! I suppose my slant is that the porn using spouse should take the responsibility to make his problems known to the partner so that the problem can be solved together.
I agree that there are very good relationships where one person is driven to 'get a little strange now and then' as one of them put it. And I think there are MANY relationships that are just going through a temporary rough patch and one partner can get his or her ego stroked through a sympathetic friend or coworker who is always willing to listen, always on their side, always looks good and is on their best behavior, isn't part of the issue and never has to be seen worrying about getting everyone out the door in the morning or how to pay for the new septic tank or picking up everyone's dirty laundry...and things snowball from there. People who wouldn't ordinarily consider cheating find themselves walking down that path in certain situations.
The second part though - if you're the other partner, you can address and address and address the issues and if the other one isn't willing to admit there's a problem or that THEY have a problem (porn addiction, alcoholism, drug use, gambling, cheating etc) there is very little the first partner can do about it. You can't fix someone else and unless and until they admit there's a problem, no one can fix anything. Very few people who have an addiction will admit to it and seek help until they hit rock bottom. And they have to hit their own 'rock bottom' before they can start to repair things.
Although that could be a very good reason, I don't necessarily think that it couldn't simply become a benign physical addiction. Many addictions start out as recreational use for pleasure and then gradually become a physical addiction. Why would porn be any different than smoking, drinking, eating or drugs? It's a HIGH...and I think that some people can become unintentionally addicted to it because it's pleasurable and they think it's not hurting anyone. What may start out as their escape, may turn out to be their prison. ;-) Sex like anything else, can become an addiction and it doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with their relationship status.
Edited 5/19/2005 8:40 am ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
C H A R A C T E R
>>You can't fix someone else and unless and until they admit there's a problem, no one can fix anything.<<
Oh absoLUTEly! That I never denied, LOL! My point though was that even if the other partner CAN'T force or help with the resolution, that doesn't mean just ignore it anyway. Again, no one can speak for all marriages, but what I say of course is in regards to the one I'm in.
If I had a drinking issue, for example, that Mrs. Para couldn't get me to fix, then that doesn't mean it is no longer her issue to deal with, for she is still affected by it and has to choose to either keep trying or move on without me...either choice though, she is dealing with it in some fashion anyway.
:)
C H A R A C T E R
C H A R A C T E R
>>I don't necessarily think that it couldn't simply become a benign physical addiction.<<
I'm always cautious and a little bit wary when it comes to talking about porn as an addiction. I think that the term "addiction" is thrown around far too freely when people talk about heavy porn usage. It seems to be the popular and trendy excuse to use; "Oh well, he's obviously addicted to it"...
The big difference between porn and many other addictions that I can see is that porn is directly linked to sexual behaviour and sex drive. Sex drive is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, instincts that humans have. So it's complicated in that you will always be addicted to sexual stimuli. You always want more sex. Your body will always crave it. You can never break this natural "addiction".
Yes, I think that some people can become addicted to porn just as people can become addicted to virtually anything. You name it, people have been addicted to it. But I don't think that a true addiction to it is common.
I think that it's more likely that heavy use like the several hours a night, every night mentioned is more likely a substitute behaviour rather than a straight-out addiction. As already said, it can be used to distract a person from the stress of daily life, it can be used to fill a gap or a need in a relationship, it can be used to avoid thinking about other issues. Or it can be used to simply pass the time. But if one has to turn to hours of porn to pass the time or avoid a bad relationship I think that you need to take a good look at your life and try to figure out what is lacking. Why do you need to resort to hours of non-personal and virtual entertainment instead of interaction with real people?
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