high level porn use

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
high level porn use
33
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:33pm

We all see threads from women who's men who indulge in high level porn use. I'm not talking once a week - I'm talking hours online every night. I'm talking about the man who masturbates so often that he's got no desire left for real sex with a real woman.

My thoughts are that this hypothetical man is weary of his marriage, and that the porn use is a symptom. That perhaps he no longer feels the love for his wife that he once did and instead of communicating the problems and fixing them - he retreats into porn.

Thoughts? Do you think that high level porn use is a symptom of a man who needs to address marriage issues?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:41pm

"But I don't think that a true addiction to it is common."

Have you ever visited the "Family Damaged by Pornography" board here on Ivillage? I think that they'd disagree that there's no such thing as addiction. For them, it IS about sex drive; their absentee husband's. Apparently, their husbands are giving it all to porn. Don't take my word for it though...read it for yourself.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:57pm

I won't argue with the fact that there is porn addiction and relationships and families are hurt by it. And I think that the advent of the Internet and home PCs, it's become more prevalent. Certainly when you had to go to the local sticky-floored theater or (later) to the local video store where the counter clerk was your daughter's best friend, it made it a bit trickier than being able to come home and look at it for free, in the privacy of your own home or bedroom after work every day.

But I also agree with Westie in that many times it's said "He's adDICTED to it!" and I don't know that it's really an addiction. I worked with 2 women who bemoaned their H's 'addictions', one to porn and one to alcohol. All we heard was about the addictions. When someone finally asked how much does he look and what is he looking at (kids? animals?) she said it was a few times a month, maybe 3 or 4, for no more than an hour. She just didn't like her hubby looking at other women, period. The alcoholic stopped for a beer with construction co-workers after work on a Friday, maybe twice a month in warm weather. Sometimes it was no more than popping a cold one on the tailgate of the pickup. And once in awhile he'd have one after mowing the lawn. She just resented every minute he wasn't with her, having a good time. Of course, perception is everything, but pretty much to a woman, the rest of us agreed that neither H truly was addicted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:11pm

I agree. There is such thing as a true addiction to porn - but I believe that the word 'addiction' is used far too freely and without diagnosis.

I sometimes joke that I'm 'addicted' to these message boards. I love coming to vist, and because I've got broadband, I can do so a number of times per day. I often find times to have a quick peek in at the posts too.

However, I also know that if I really had to stop, then I could. Therefore, it is not a true addiction.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:13pm

Just adding.....

on another board, there is a woman who will give info on alcoholism to anyone who posts about their spouse getting drunk. Even if it's only on rare occaisions.

Again, it's incorrect use of the 'addiction' thing.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:20pm
I'm confused. In your OP your hypothetical man was a man who looks at it for hours every night, masturbates and leaves nothing for their SO? Is that addiction or not? In any event, whether you think it is or not, was not why I posted. I just feel that SOME TRUE addictions aren't addictions only because there's a problem in the relationship, but simply because it's something enjoyable taken to the extreme.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:35pm

>>Have you ever visited the "Family Damaged by Pornography" board here on Ivillage?<<

I'll just reiterate what some of the other's said, I don't doubt that there are some that are addicted. Obviously the board you mention would be a good place to find those that have problems with porn addiction.
I might have a look at that board. I'd be interested in seeing why a lot of these relationships have big problems with the porn.

I'm begining to think that it might even be more a cultural thing more than a matter of personal addiction - I know that there aren't a lot of European's posting to this board but certainly in the past there have been a number of European women posted to the various porn topics that seem to think that the European view of porn in all it's forms and usage is quite different to the American view. I think that America has a problem with sex. It's in your face, yet the morals are very conservative. Porn is freely available yet, morally frowned upon. Women are encouraged to be more conservative about sex than the men. It puts an interesting spin on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:38pm
Hey, not me! I grew up around porn and during the "free love" era. I am far from conservative. tee hee
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:38pm

>>I'm confused. In your OP your hypothetical man was a man who looks at it for hours every night, masturbates and leaves nothing for their SO? Is that addiction or not? <<

The answer would be different for different users.

It all comes back to his reason for being there. If he could give up if he wanted to - then it's choice. If he felt that he couldn't give it up for anything - then it's addiction.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:53pm
Oh my! For goodness sakes it was a hypothetical man! ;-) I thought you made him out to be an addict(and so did Tally in her first response). I guess I assumed that his wife asked him to stop. tee hee
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:14pm

"Do you think that high level porn use is a symptom of a man who needs to address marriage issues?"

It dangerous to jump to that conclusion prematurely.

IF he is not communicating his relationship issues, that is much closer to the problem, than the porn. In another thread a women managed to make her husband stop looking at porn and her relationship stayed exactly the same afterword, she still is being neglegted.

If he is turning to something else because he has have difficulty resolving issues with you. You need to address how to resolve the real underlying issues. Be careful not to assume right off that the symptom is the cause. If you remove the symptom but fail to address the cause you wont have solved anything.