His Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
His Ex
4
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:19pm
Hi, I’m new at this so here it goes. I’m just starting a new relationship, and I’ve only been in 2 serious relationships in my life. I know I���m young but the last relationship I was, was really bad in the sex area. Not that I know a tons on the subject but in this one it has had more pleasing really amazing moments. I’m really no expert and I’m just a little clueless and really lost on what to do. But here is where my problem begins. HIS EX. When we first talked about his past relationships it totally hit me that his ex, when they started dating, was 16 years old, he was 22 and the lasted together 3 years. They had a very healthy sexual relationship (but she was 16). I don’t know if she lost her Virginity to him (not that I care) but I lost mine at 20, and I’m just 21 years old. So I feel a lot of pressure by the fact that she was wilder, more experienced and she didn’t care about anything. We have talked that they did it everywhere it was possible and she didn’t care about getting caught or anything. Which for me is something that keeps me alert, always, cause I’m a good girl…. This also affects cause everything I do makes me feel like he is thinking “my ex would have probably done this, or that, o she was better at this or at that” and that really bothers, cause I've told him about it and he tells me that he doesn't think of that, he is with me and he cares about me, not past relationships. And every time I want to do something with him, the firs thing that comes to my mind is “What would she have done?” and I picture a lot of things happening between them and I don’t want that to make this relationship suck…. S.O.S
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: lost_justlost
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:53pm

Unless he's a jerk or there is a serious problem with your relationship, and it sounds like neither is the case, I can assure you he is NOT thinking of anyone else when he is having sex with you. You are the only one thinking of his ex when you're sleeping with him. Stop thinking about her and concentrate on what feels good for you... when you do what you find feels good, not what you think she would have done, you'll enjoy it even more and in turn, he'll love the fact that you're enjoying it so much.

But frankly, I think this is why couples shouldn't share those kinds of details about their sexual past.

Although if it makes you feel any better, before my fiance and I had sex, he once told me that the best blowjob he'd ever had was from a girl with a tongue ring. So I was always apprehensive about giving him oral because I thought, I don't have a tongue ring, how can I compete?! But I did it anyway and I did my best and afterwards, without even knowing I was nervous about it, his exact words were "Best... blowjob... ever!" I then told him about how/why I was nervous and for a moment he couldn't even remember who I was talking about! It was that far from his mind, all he cared about was what *I* was doing.

So believe me, despite what he has said about/done in his sexual past... if he cares about you then none of that will matter and he won't be thinking about it at all.




Edited 4/19/2006 1:59 pm ET by ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: lost_justlost
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:31pm

I agree with UKgirl. That was his ex, not you. If she was so great, he'd still be with her, NOT you.

Let me give you some advice for your NEXT relationship. YOu don't need to know anything about a guys ex's. You don't need to know anything about his sexual escapades. When those relationships end, they're put on the back shelf, and should never be discussed again, particularly with a new g/f. The same goes for you. You don't need to share your past with any guy. The only thing a new b/f needs to know is that you are or are not a virgin. If a guy WANTS to know details, it's because he's going to be just like you, comparing himself to your past partners. That's something that NO ONE should do, and the details are something that NO ONE should share. How will you feel if after this relationship ends, he's telling some other girl all the details of your sexual behavior? The intimate sexual details of a relationship are NO ONE's business but the two people involved.

Here's some advice for THIS relationship. Whatever her age is, or was, whatever experiences she had, if she had sex with 100 men.....that doesn't mean that she knew what she was doing, and that doesn't make her any "better" at sex than you are. Sex isn't supposed to be a "performance", and it can't be compared to any past experiences. Every person is different, and every woman (and man) does things differently. You need to forget she existed, and concentrate on what YOU are doing or not doing with him.

Sex is, or should be, an expression of love and a celebration of intimacy with a person that you care about. Being a "good girl" has nothing to do with it either. "Good girls" can and do enjoy sex, and are good sexual partners.

Forget about the ex's.....and enjoy sex enthusiastically with him. That's all you have to do. You are YOU, and you will never be like an ex.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lost_justlost
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 4:38pm

Why is he telling you intimate details of his past relationships anyway? What do they have to do with you or your relationship with him? In a word, nothing. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Each relationship is unique to the people involved.

Stop discussing the past, stop comparing yourself to someone who "didn't care about anything." What is so wonderful about being careless and clueless? IF he really thought she was so wonderful, he'd still be with her!

Tell your BF to keep his past experiences with her and other GFs to himself. There's nothing to be gained from living in the past. But only YOU can set some personal boundaries and create your own unique relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: lost_justlost
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 8:38pm

Hey Thanks!!!!!!! I really needed to hear that from someone cause I've told it to myself a few times, and I even thought about what you said, on how a relationship should be about 2 people (ME AND HIM), and I don't want him or some future bf talking about us, in his future relationships, so I'm gonna give it a try and if it works you'll hear from me soon! Thanks again!!!!!! Really appreciate it..!!

=)