His Ex is a stripper...how can I compete

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
His Ex is a stripper...how can I compete
6
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 10:26pm
Got a question I need to run by you all.

My partner's Ex is a stripper.

Obiviously there are major reasons why they are not together, so jelousy is not an issue with us.

My delema is this.....I feel like a dud compared to what he's had sexualy.

I mean, short of dancing on a pole in the middle of our living room I don't know how to get his attention.

Don't get me wrong, we have a sex life, it just feels like its not as exiting as what he "had"....

He's a wonderful man, and has never implied I'm not good enough.......its just a feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 10:32pm
Don't compete. Don't even try.

Dancers are PAID to do what they do. They get money to act sexy, to take off their clothes in front of strangers, to act like the man they are in front of is the only guy in the world. Just because they can take off their clothes and dance naked doesn't mean they are wonderful lovers or in a great relationship (not to imply that they can't be, just that it doesn't necessarily mean they are).

What does she have really, that you don't, besides the courage to get naked in front of a room full of literal strangers? It doesn't mean that she was more sexy, more desirable, more loving. I can understand your thoughts and sympathize, but he's with YOU now. He's not missing a thing, being with you. Just because she acted 'wild' in a bar doesn't mean their sex life was full of wonderful moves and hanging-from-the-ceiling sex. Maybe he *prefers* the comfort of someone who is there only for him, the ease of your relationship, and knowing you aren't performing for dozens of other men. There's something to be said for that.


Edited 10/23/2004 10:35 pm ET ET by tally33

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 10:33pm
??? How do you know"it just doesn't feel as exciting", you weren't there were you? He has never given you a reason to think any less as you said. I think you are just a little insecure because of her occupation.

Has he ever talked of their sex life? Have you asked about it? Not all strippers are nympho's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 11:28am

<sexualy>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 12:12pm
You say " he's a wonderful man and has never implied that I'm not good enough...it's just a feeling."

Yes, that feeling is insecurity. You're sabotaging your own enjoyment and relationship with it by comparing yourself to his Ex. Why? Did she leave him? Would he still be with her if he had had a choice? IF not, then accept that he finds you attractive or he wouldn't be with you and that you ARE good enough.

Stop competing with the past though because you could be establishing a self fulfilling prophecy. No one likes being with a insecure person who needs constant support and reassurance. It can be exhausting and definitely NOT sexy.

BTW, just because his EX was a stripper, does NOT mean she was a great lover. One is about fantasy and one is reality.


Edited 10/24/2004 12:13 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 10:06pm
He left her. He's with you now. Why? Try and answer this question and you will feel better.

Jim
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 10:39pm
You are definitely worrying much too much. Nothing you wrote indicates that you have a problem with your partner. Your problem is with your own insecurity. He is with you and doesn't complain about your sex life, so why start imagining a problem that doesn't exist.

If you let your imagination and insecurities get in the way of your good relationship, they will cause the problem you fear the most. It is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.