His past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
His past
16
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:07am
I know this has probably been on your board before, but I recently found out that my SO frequented strip clubs at one time. I am devastated because 1) he lied about it and 2) he knows my feelings about this issue. It has been discussed several times in our relationship. I know it is his past and his past cannot come into play now. But here is our situation. I married my high school sweetheart who ended up leaving me for another woman after 16 years of marriage. I was a goody-two-shoes somewhat because of my then boyfriend/husband. I was kept in a whole. He threatened to break up with me if I went away to college. For some reason, I listened to him and didn't go until after we were married. I have many regrets about not "living" a real life like most and hate that I missed experiences that I think young people should experience. I'm not talking sleeping around, just doing the normal things young adults do. I look back and hate my past life even though I can say I have no regrets about sleeping with only one person. I am morally satisfied with that. But my SO was a party animal who has fun stories to tell about his college life and after. I love hearing most of his stories, and am not bothered by the drinking/partying he did. I am sure he had fun and am happy for him. But it kills me to know that he has seen up close and personal probably 50 naked women and I can't help but feel that I would never be able to measure up to these women. Only two men have seen me naked and one of those left me for someone else. I am attractive, but not perfect. Since being with my SO (2 years) it has bothered me that we do not make eye contact when making love. Now I can only imagine he is thinking of being with a previous lover or one of the women whose perfect body he has seen. To top it off, his ex-wife was a knockout. I'm also one of those women who cannot orgasm thru intercourse and I have always felt I was not a good lover. I remember one of the first times we were together, I told him that and he seemed surprised. So of course, his previous lovers have been able to. I feel so inseure right now, you cannot even imagine. I am also so disappointed in him. I now look at him as a different person. It just isn't the same and I don't know how to let it go. I feel cheated even though it was in his past. My thoughts about strip clubs is that, hey, a decent guy is going to do it a few times for a bachelor party or because of peer pressure. But at some point your morals need to take over. I now feel like we probably aren't on the same page morally. Please help. I am crying as I type. I am a mother of two young boys and am now at an age and time in my life that I will never have the sexual experiences that others have or have had. Frankly, I'm not looking for that now. I just want the guy back that I thought I had. Why am I seeing a different person? Is it because he lied? I've been lied to before and it hurts deeply. Thanks for the patience in reading this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: onmyown3
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:15pm
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No, you're not boring. You're a lot self-destructive.

Morals or no morals I find it very difficult to believe that someone is prepared to throw away an otherwise very good relationship because the man visited a strip club in his youth. I strongly recommend that you seek some counselling.

Do you talk to your brother? Do you have a good relationship with him? I believe that his behaviour at the baseball after-match bar hopping was more immoral than your partner's strip clubs. There were women actively seeking out men and sex at these bars. They don't do that often at strip clubs. Despite that, your brother stayed at these functions and didn't walk out in disgust. How do you rationalise HIS behaviour? You are prepared to continue a relationship with your brother, yet destroy a relationship with your partner for a lesser thing.

You partner never lied. He had just kept his mouth shut. Why? Because part of him must have known that you'd go off the deep end with this - like you are doing.

>> I guess my father respected my mother more than most men respect their significant others. <<

Do you know how your father behaved before he met your mother? Ask him to tell you about some stories of life as a lad with his friends before he met your mother. Ask him whether or not you should destroy your current relationship. Then stop romanticising your parents relationship and concentrate on yours.

You are blaming and comparing everyone but yourself. Take some responsibility for your own life and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: onmyown3
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:52pm

We all have things in our past that we regret but since no one can change the past the best thing to do is to learn from it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: onmyown3
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:58pm
Hi onmyown...just another opinion from a married couple here. :)

Because of your knowledge of his past, it seems you've developed the habit of analyzing why he is the way he is. He doesn't return your gaze during lovemaking because of this, and you feel a lack of intimacy because of that. The list can go on and on, but the core of it seems to be that you view him in certain ways about him and his past. Make sense so far?

Not at all are we saying that you are in the wrong for it, but keep in mind that we are also not saying he is either. If you feel uncomfortable with his lifestyle and the way he is or the type of person you feel that he is or is not, then you DO have choices, in this married couple's honest opinion:

Please consider professional counseling, onmyown. You obviously aren't finding your best solutions through whatever communication you actually DO have with him so far, and its THAT communication that will help your relationship by enabling you to share and discuss your feelings. Hiding your feelings from him help, in our opinion. Advice from online here will only serve to either make you feel a certain way or to lend support. In our truest opinion, you need help in communicating with him what your concerns/feelings are. Counseling is not there to 'justify' anyone's views, its there to help them AND to help communicate the responses to them. Please consider this option if you still have difficulty sharing your feelings with him without causing damage to the relationship. Even Mrs. Para & I are going back because we KNOW it will likely help in ways that we may not be capable of on our own, so it really is THAT helpful.

Ask the Relationship Saver

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh

Problem Solving for Couples

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou

The gang on the Happily Married message board have been very effective as well, I visit there and read quite frequently.

Happily Married

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhappilymar

Very good luck to you!

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
In reply to: onmyown3
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:01pm

Onmyown, you've been given some great advice so far....but I just wanted to add:


I don't make eye contact during sex either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: onmyown3
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 12:25am
No, you're NOT boring. You're a very mixed up woman, and you're allowing your mind and your imagination to ruin your life. I don't think you ever stated your age, or your b/f's age, but unless you meet a 16 year old boy, you're ALWAYS going to find a man with a "past".

You talk about your brother, and your father. Sorry, but do you really think your brother shared everything he ever did with you? Particularly since he's probably very aware of your thoughts on sexual activities. As for your father, as someone else mentioned, he's not going to share his sexual history with his daughter, so you have NO idea what he did before he was married. What counts is what he did AFTER he was married.

You seem to have some strange ideas about what "other couples" tell each other about their pasts. I have news for you, very few couples even DISCUSS their pasts with each other, let alone sit around entertaining each other with their sexual exploits. No one particularly enjoys hearing about their partner's sexual feats in the past. It should be sufficient to say that there WAS a past, and let it go at that.

You and your b/f are sexually active, right? Is that a TERRIBLE thing? If you think it is, why are you participating? What makes it any more "right" than anything he did in his past? How is his being with you any more "acceptable" than being with anyone else in his past, or seeing partially naked women in strip clubs? So, you end this relationship, and eventually find someone more suited to your beliefs. What happens if he feels you're a "bad woman" because you had sex with this guy?

Your whole post started out with his "past". The past is OVER, and it will never change. Anyone who's reached adulthood has a past. And that past makes them what they are today. If he hadn't had a past, how would he know what woman appeals to him, and might be his life mate?

One of my favorite sayings is: Yesterday is History.....tomorrow is mystery. Today is a GIFT, that's why it's called the present. Enjoy the gift of today, and stop worrying about history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: onmyown3
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:28am
Not me. The more senses I use, the better the experience. Visuals, dirty talk, the smells and scents, the use of the tongue simultaneously with other stimuli(touch), yum. The more the merrier. Although, I might close my eyes here and there, and maybe right before orgasm, for the most part I'm enjoying the visuals and all of the stimuli to my other senses.

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