His sex life not mine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
His sex life not mine
7
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 5:11pm
Gradually my husband has introduce things he wants into our sex life. First it was "must be drunk" then pornographic movies. The movies are very degrading to women. I shift my eyes from the TV and am definately not getting turned on. Then he began smoking pot. He likes me to wear a whorish t-shirt. I'd like to wear something sexy. Our sex life for the past 5 years has been this, oral sex and the only reason we have vaginal sex is because it's the only way I'm going to let him climax inside of me. I've always felt like he'd rather be with a hooker, and we have fights about what each of us wants. He ends up angry at me and when he decides to stop being angry (days or weeks later) my desires have been forgotten. We do no cuddling or kissing. I wouldn't kiss him anyway because I can't stand the pot smell. I've asked him to compromise and I'll do it his way once a week if he'll do it my way once a week. He totally tunes me out. In fact whenever I say something regarding my desires it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm at the point of choosing to stop having sex with him and if it leads to a divorce, so be it. Is this what marriage is all about? Is this what others do? I find the type of porn he watches reprehensible and I wonder if he has low respect for women, me included. Someone please tell me if I should put up with this for another 40 years. Oh and I guess I'll mention that we are both highly respectable professional people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 7:28pm

>> Is this what marriage is all about? Is this what others do? <<

No and no (not most "others" anyway).

If you think he is worth salvaging, you will have to get him into drug and alchohol treatment. If he refuses or if treatment fails, I personally think you need to give serious consideration to divorcing this man sooner rather than later.

>> Oh and I guess I'll mention that we are both highly respectable professional people. <<

Sorry, but he does not fit my idea of "respectable professional people". There is a world of difference between "respected" and "respectable". He may indeed be respected by people who don't know that he is an ass in private, but he is in no way respectable.

PS: Please, please, tell me there are no children in this marriage and that you don't intend to allow yourself to become pregnant under these circumstances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:39am

I agree with Jackson......you need marital counselling! Of course, he probably won't be willing to do that, because people with problems usually aren't. They don't think they HAVE a problem.

If he won't go, then YOU go, and get yourself some help in either coping with this sad man, or help in getting out of the mess you're in.

As for being "professionals".....that's no guarantee of respectability. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. There are plenty of professionals that are drug abusers, wife beaters, and pedophiles.

Stop letting him walk all over you....and start taking care of yourself and your self respect. Again, as Jackson said, I hope there are no children and that if necessary, you can just walk, and close the door behind you. I think that's how it will wind up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 2:33pm

<<>> No one here has that power, only you know that answer. All we can do is share our life experiences and reply based upon what we read.

<<>> IMO, marriage is all about communication, compromise, smiles & tears. The first two are required, the second two are optional! Being married, IMO, means that someone cares enough to put spouse's needs above their own - not every day, not every moment, but when it counts and is needed most.

Near the end of my marriage, I lived with a man who said he loved me, but wouldn't touch me. For some women that would be heaven, but for me it was hell to sleep next to a body that I couldn't enjoy. Even though your situation is different, I wonder how much you enjoy him?

If counseling or getting other help isn't possible then How about him watching porn (if he needs it to get 'started') alone and then come to you once he's ready. Reverse play with him: if he wants you in "whorish t-shirts", then stand firm that next time "I want U in ______". If he won't play along, then "NO" is the word for the day.

If these are recent changes in him and he's never been this way before with you, then I would be very concerned that mentally something bad is going on inside him.

Only YOU have the power to protect/help you. Writing these boards is a great way to determine how you "truly" feel, and in a perfect world they will give you help and insight to view a different perspective, but that's all they can do. You have to be the one strong enough to fight for yourself - be that you stay married or divorce. Battle scars, broken hearts and disappointments is what makes these message boards great. You are not alone in your pain, but you are alone in your journey. Good luck and please be safe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 4:42pm

>>Oh and I guess I'll mention that we are both highly respectable professional people.<<

That clearly means something to you, but I think that you have to realise that what goes on in between any couple behind closed doors has very little to do with their public image. Smoking pot and liking a woman in a slutty t-shirt isn't necessarily a bad thing for many people and is probably pretty mild behaviour for many couples. The trouble here is that this is more than just your sex life that you're upset about. These problems strike right into the heart of the relationship - there are issues of trust, of compromise, of understanding and basic values between the two of you.

Marriage should be about shared values, about understanding, compromise and commitment. You are not getting this. He doesn't compromise, he forces you to do things that you don't feel comfortable with, he isn't prepared to listen or compromise, he smokes pot which is against your values. In your case, you have to ask what is it that is keeping the two of you together? If you were just dating this guy, you would have ended the relationship a long time ago.

Either you are going to have to bring some balance back into the relationship or you will probably have to leave him to get your peace of mind back. If he wants to watch the videos then let him watch them on his own. He doesn't have to include you. You should stop wearing the t-shirt that you don't like and wear what you are comfortable in. If he wants to smoke pot then he has to realise that if he continues it at all then he will not be having sex that night.

>>we have fights about what each of us wants. He ends up angry at me and when he decides to stop being angry (days or weeks later) my desires have been forgotten. <<

Do you realise that this is his way of controlling the situation? It's not just a fight and a sulk for days or weeks. It's his method of controlling you and getting his own way. He hasn't "forgotten" what you want, he's chosen to ignore it and hides that decision away under the cover of anger, sulking and "forgetting". So far it's worked just fine for him. He's getting what he wants.

Should you put up with it for another 40 years? I don't think that you should put up with it for another moment - but what you do to resolve it is up to you. Counselling would be your best bet, being assertive and trying to stand up for yourself might be another, deciding that you have had enough and leaving him now would be another way. What you do is up to you though. We would all make a different choice in your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:27pm
Thanks, I just needed to hear that I am not the oddball. Since I don't know what goes on in other people's married lives (you can tell I didn't even want to ask friends) I was worried that this wasn't unusal and I was being a prude. Our kids are grown. Life was better when they were younger and in the house. I've often thought about seeing a therapist and now I'm sure it's the right thing to do. You're right he'll not go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 5:33am

His sex life, not mine. That says it all. No-one has the right to force someone into doing something they don't want to do. His behavior is not only NOT acceptable, but NOT fair to you. if he really loved and cherished you he would consider your feelings and be receptive to what you are and are not comfortable with. I'm sorry but it sounds like the best thing you could possibly do for yourself is GET OUT!! He doesn't sound like he's going to change and your feelings be damned.

I know what I would do, but each person has to decide for themselves what their breaking point is and just how long they want to put up with what's going on. I have to agree with what others have posted, he sounds like a very controlling person. Let him go on his road alone. I know when you love someone things are easier said than done, but you need to think of yourself right now. Let us know what happens, you have lots of support here. I'm praying for you and I wish you only the best.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 9:40am

Truthfully, unless he has a gun to your head, he can't really force you to watch or do anything that you find reprehensible.

If my DH wanted me to watch porn that was that distasteful to me, I would simply get up and walk out of the room and damn the consequences. We're not obligated to do anything that compromises our own standards or morals, even if it is a request of our spouse.

But it sounds like he has some "mid life" issues that he's dealing with in all the wrong ways. He's the one who would benefit the most from counseling but if you go only for the objective guidance and support, then maybe you'll be able to make some difficult decisions about your marriage.

You can't change him though, only yourself.




Edited 2/16/2006 9:46 am ET by katmandoo2001