Is His Size Bothering Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Is His Size Bothering Him?
12
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:47pm
I know I can answer my own question because yes, it is obvious his size bothers him. But there's more to it and as a woman, I can't figure it out. He's a fairly young guy, 33, so it can't be related to being too old and losing libido. He's the kind of guy that talks about sex more than actually doing it. There have been many times where I've wanted to and it was obvious he wasn't interested. And when we do, the only thing he wants from me is intercourse. He won't let me touch him (I've tried twice and he pushes my hand away). He rarely let's me do oral, maybe 4 times since I've been with him almost 1 year and it wasn't easy to get him to finish. He has brought up Viagara a couple times thinking it would help him not get an erection, but keep it so he could last hours. I also think he purchased some kind of enlarger tool (but he hasn't said anything to me about it). He refuses to watch porn because he says he doesn't like to see other men's penises. He is the first guy I've met that doesn't watch porn. So you can imagine our sex is pretty limited. He does please me in other ways, but it just makes me wonder what's going on. When we first dated he would get upset because I couldn't orgasm during intercourse (which I never really could anyway). He would then blame himself and ask me if it was because of his size. It's not really that, but it just doesn't seem like his erection is that, well, hard. The last time we had intercourse I think he pulled out because he had lost his erection. Maybe he just has issues with himself. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:02pm
Your thought on the pornos is most likely right on! I have a friend who went and bought one of those enlargers from a porn shop and was actually mad ebcause it was too small. My answer to him was: Then you probably don't need it! He saw some guy in a porn film whose penis was halfway to his knee, and was not hard. So now he thinks he needs to be larger, some men are obsessed with size due to some women who think if the penis is less than 10" it isn't worth the time. I keep telling my friend that he must be ok, if no one has ever complained.
Has he ever told you why he doesn't want you to give him oral sex? What he may not realize is that he may very well be able to build endurance by allowing you to do the oral, or by having sex more often, instead of by popping a pill. Masterbastion will also help with his endurance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:57pm

Age has nothing to do with erections or libido.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:05pm
We've talked about it before. He says manual doesn't do anything for him. It also isn't easy getting him to orgasm during oral either. I really have to work at it! He knows I really want to touch him. It just seems the intercourse is the only way this guy can really get pleasure. Not sure about masterbation with him, if he does it frequently or not. My guess is no. I get the impression, from what he's said, that when he does masterbate it takes a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:08pm

You're right, of course, this guy has some problems. As a result, you have problems.

What you need to do is start talking to him, and also start teaching him the "facts of life". He's got hangups, whether it's size, or endurance, or firmness of his erections. Maybe some woman along the line made a big deal of it, or maybe he just never learned about his body, and female bodies. Someone has to teach him, and if he's worth the effort, it might as well be you.

First and foremost, tell him to forget the viagra. That is a very dangerous medication if it's taken by the wrong person. He can't get it without a prescription, unless he buys it off the internet, and if he does that, he has NO idea of the pureness of the drug or of the correct dosage. It can be fatal if abused. No doctor would prescribe it without a thorough examination, and it's doubtful if a doctor would prescribe it for him, because he has no trouble getting erections. Have him look Viagra up on the internet, and see for himself what the serious side effects could be.

As far as size is concerned, I'll bet he's in the average range....5 to 6 inches. He needs to understand how women's bodies work. For most of us, you included, we don't get the most pleasure from intercourse, and about 80% of us do NOT have orgasms from intercourse alone. A man doesn't GIVE us orgasms, either. We have to learn how to have them, and allow them to happen. They can "help" us get there, but they don't GIVE them.

Men grow up dreaming about getting into a vagina. And, for them, that is the ultimate, and they think it's the same for women. However, it's NOT for most women. The vagina has very little feeling inside, only at the entrance. Our true sexual organ is our clitoris, and the man that learns that, and concentrates on that, will have NO problem pleasing most women. Even during intercourse, we need clitoral stimulation to have orgasms. Unfortunately, some men are so hung up on these things, and they drive their partners crazy, to the point that the partner starts faking, just to shut him up. All that does is make him think he's doing fine, when in reality, he's not. Then the next partner has to deal with his misconceptions, as you are.

A man's penis is only ONE of the tools he has to please women. His fingers and his tongue are just as important, and he needs to learn to use them. He could have a 10" penis, but he still wouldn't please most women if all he did was rely on intercourse. there's an old saying......"it's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean".

If he wants to learn about how to please a woman, have him check out www.the-clitoris.com If you want to salvage this relationship, then you have to talk to him, and make him understand that he is perfectly capable of pleasing you with the equipment he has. If he can learn that, then he won't have the hangups he seems to have, and he'll have more confidence in himself and his abilities.

Unless you want to deal with his problems, and never be satisfied by him, then you have to open communication with him, and teach him what he doesn't seem to know. If he doesn't WANT to discuss it, and he doesn't WANT to learn about his misconceptions, then you'll never have a good sex life with him. Sex is certainly not the most important part of a relationship, but if you enjoy sex, and want a good relationship with him, you have to straighten him out. If you can't, then you'll never be happy with this relationship.

PS: inform him that penis "enlargers" are nothing more than suction pumps, and they may work for the moment, but it's not a permanent enlargement.....plus the fact that they can do harm to the vascular system of the penis, and cause worse erection problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:37pm

After reading THIS post.....have you explained to him that you understand intercourse is the only way HE gets pleasure, but that you have a right to your pleasure, too, whether it's him doing things for you, or you doing things for him. So, he has a hard time finishing orally....so what? He can still allow you to do it for him, and THEN move on to intercourse. Since you don't have much pleasure from intercourse, then he can take more time in foreplay, so that you HAVE your pleasure, then move on to intercourse.

Just because he's only interested in intercourse, doesn't mean that's all YOU want! There are two of you in this relationship, and you BOTH should be getting what you want.

It's called compromise, and if he doesn't understand that, he's got more problems than you realize.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 7:37pm
Another thing I've always hated about our sex life together is he won't use his hands on me either. I have talked to him MANY times and he knows I love it when he uses his hands. His feeling is if I want hands, I can use my own. In other words, I don't need a man. He's always believed, though I may have changed his feeling about it somewhat, that a woman should orgasm during intercourse. He claims he "taught" his last girlfriend how to orgasm during intercourse and once he did, she was able to orgasm every time. I find that hard to believe since she was probably faking it to get him off her back. He tried that with me when we first started having sex and I put an end to that quickly. I remember our first time together and he asked me several times during intercourse "did you come yet?" It was quite awkward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:13pm

This guy has more problems than I


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 5:48am
He has to realize that he has A LOT to learn... if he's not willing to admit that, then not much can be done... I recommend a book for both of you to read:
The Wild Guide to Sex and Loving by Siobhan Kelly
It cover a wide range of topics: masturbation, flirting, foreplay, oral, different positions, anal, tantra, bondage, and more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 6:20am
This story reminds me of what happend to me once...I said to the guy: your bed is so small! Hours later after the sex session he said to me: so, you think my d*ck is small....!?
I was completley shocked!!!!!! He thought that I had said to him DURING sex: youre d*ck is so small!:)Terrible eh!!!! I would never ever do that, and by the way, in his case it wasnt even true!!! Amazing dont you think? For a guy they appearantly think size is really important.
The best sex I ever had was with the guy with the smallest size!! It was so small, but, he was very confident and horny and that made it all brilliant!
This guy seems to be very insecure and maybe thats why he also doesnt want to touch you, because he thinks, if I touch her, she wants to touch me. He doesnt want to have bj's? When I look at myself, just after I had my baby I was insecure and didnt want to get oral sex. But , that wasnt because I didnt like it, I actually loved it!
I hope he can stop obsessing about himself and just accept him how he is, because in this way, its not his lack of size that makes the problem, but, its him OBSESSING and not accepting himself that makes him lose everything he could have!
Good luck!!


Edited 12/30/2004 7:32 am ET ET by samie2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 7:01pm

Dream, I'm actually a survivor of violent child abuse, and this sounds TOO familiar, very scary. How much do you really know about his past? Is that a possibility at all that you might have remembered him mentioning or discussing?

This sounds more like the mind affecting him and than anything else. Now I do remember reading about men who were so mentally scarred for life after being embarrassed by former lovers, but this case sounds to me to be more than that.

Keep us updated on what you discover, and prayers prayers for ya!

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

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