His ways....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
His ways....
39
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 3:31pm
I am so confused and hurt and mostly depressed. If anyone has been reading about me, i recently lost my virginity and the same day i lost my virginity i got pregnant. im 18. i did not keep the baby i got an abortion about a week ago (i was 7 weeks).. when i told my boyfriend the news that i was pregnant he was so nervous and kind of excited... but we both agreed where too young for the baby so thats why i aborted the baby.. but the time i was pregnant he was ALWAYS calling me and talking to me, he was just there!
After the procedure 2 days after actually, he stop calling me and if he does we talk for about 1 minute and he will say "im going to call you back.." and NEVER does, ive been crying myself to sleep everynight and before i told him im depressed and sad about the whole situation and that my body has changed so much after and that i have no friends to talk to.. only him. But now he isnt there, he does go to school and play football for college but still, before all of that NOW.. he was still doing that when we had time to have sex...and when i was pregnant he called me everyday, every hour.. minute... to the point where i was tired of him calling.
But now, im just confused, i wonder why hes acting this way towards me, i didnt get pregnant by myself you know.... ??
When i do talk to him, meaning when he calls me (because when i call his cell he doesnt answer) im going to tell him how i feel and tell him how ive been crying and stressing and if ive been crying and going thru hell these last couple days i mind as well be by myself.. i want him to know that. i love him sooo much but i dont deserve to feel this way.
im not being conceited but i know im very pretty and alot of guys have tryed so hard to be with me lately.. and i push them off. He knows this as well (my bf) but he seems to not care about it.
i dont know i need help, anyone knows why hes acting like this?? what should I do in th situation... im so lonely, scared and stresssed OUT, like crazy!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: naleiya
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 4:44pm

naleiya-


I know you're going through a tough time, and that things seem pretty bleak right now. But you should know that a lot of women have been through what you're going through, and that there's help out there. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to. You might want to contact your local Planned Parenthood (www.plannedparenthood.org) and ask about counseling, or call the clinic where you had your abortion and ask for a referral for counseling.


I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't proving to be as supportive as you'd like. I imagine he's pretty shaken up himself, and recognizes the fact that his own plans for college, etc were at risk. I hope he comes around and returns to support you, but you really need to focus on yourself right now, and find people you can trust to talk to.


Good luck. I'm certain you made the right decision, and that you've learned some important lessons the hard way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

--


martinisnsushi - living the good life since 1963


CL Redbook "Get Inside His Head"

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: naleiya
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 4:52pm

You said it yourself...you're both very young and your BF's priorities revolve around himself right now. You're left to deal with the emotional consequences of the abortion and of course, you want to talk about it. He's likely doing everything he can to avoid thinking about it at all.

I would suggest talking to someone who knows you and cares about you very much....and who will ALWAYS be there for you. Your mother.




Edited 9/28/2005 4:54 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: naleiya
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 4:58pm

i cant talk to my mom, she hates him for even getting me in this situation. So , i couldnt even say nothing to her liek that, shes still mad at me and hates to talk about anything that has to do with sex, my boyfriend, the abortion.. EVERYTHING.

he is 20 years old...he should be here for me and thats that! i have been with him for 2 years and known him for 6. we know eachother very well and we both have nothing to hide from eachother so thats why im confused as to why he acting this way.. in the back of my head im thinking that hes talking to someone new. i dont know... accusations are every where... he may just be not trying to think about it all.. like you said, but still-- i guess he hasnt thought about ME? and what im going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
In reply to: naleiya
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 5:14pm
Honey, I too will keep you in my prayers. You should probably move on from him. I mean the very first time things become tuff he isn't there for you. I know it will be hard with all you're going through but you will be better off in the long run.
Can't you go to a school teacher or counselor, they are trained in these areas and will keep all information confidential. God bless you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-1999
In reply to: naleiya
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 6:16pm

I'm a lurker but I agree you need to talk to someone other than HIM an adult who would be more caring and compasionate. your mom should probably talk to someone too. I remember that I was 19 when I had my oldest dd and my mom wouldn't speak to me for the longest time..she was there for me through it all but it was very strained it broke my heart and we still don't have the best relationship but we are there for each other.

I would say that even though you have been together 2yrs it's time to move on my oldest dd is 16 1/2 been with her "boyfriend" for almost a year it will be a year the end of Oct.. and she's 8 months pregnant with a little girl and it's hit and miss with him he will be 19 in December.. dd will be 17 in March. my dd is going through a hard time of it too but for different reasons..

GOOD LUCK to you...

Rita

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: naleiya
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 7:53pm
I cannot speak for his feelings and we are not hearing his side. There may be a strong possibility that he feels guilty. Some people start having feelings of regret and fear over the possibility that they were part of taking a life. It makes it even harder when they think about it being the life of their own child they would have otherwise loved and protected. You may be suffering from his having bad feelings when he associates with you. I suggest counseling from a minister, priest, rabbi, or some other counselor.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: naleiya
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:09am

Why do you need to talk about HIM to your mom? I thought you needed to talk about the abortion and how it's affecting you emotionally.

Knowing how she feels about him right now, it's not wise to bring him up anyway. With time and perspective, she may become more objective but as a parent, I can certainly empathize with her feelings, too.

Tell her what you need from her and she should be there for you as a mother. Of course, she's hurt, disappointed and angry right now, most parents would be, but she cares for you and will support you if you ask for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: naleiya
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:49pm
i never said i wanted to talk to my mom about HIM.. someone else made a comment that i should talk to her and i was telling them i couldnt and would not talk to her about him anyways... i talked to him last night when he called me back after i left him a mean message.. he doesnt see nothing wrong, he just says im "emotional" and he claims he hasnt been being distant from me.. which i told him he has for the last 3 days...
i kept asking him "you dont want to talk to me anymore...??" and he got really mad and said i was going through something i shouldnt be. its just crazy because i havent seen him since the abortion so i just need to really see him in person and talk to him personally which i am going to see him this weekend.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: naleiya
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:52pm

Your initial post indicated that you were depressed over the abortion and your BF's lack of support and communication. You then indicated that you couldn't talk to your mom. That's where I got the notion that you wanted to talk about him specifically. But you should be able to discuss your feelings with your mom without his name coming up directly.

And, as you said yourself, your BF SHOULD be there for you, SHOULD understand that, yes, this is an emotional and difficult thing to deal with, and he SHOULD be understanding and supportive about that. But he hasn't been. So, if he's not stepping up to the plate at the worst time in your life and relationship, then that's not a very good sign.

Someone else mentioned that we don't know his side of this issue which is true. But he has to communicate in order for that to be possible, too.




Edited 9/29/2005 1:58 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to: naleiya
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 6:26pm

I am kind of amazed that you are surprised that this had the potential of ending or hurting your relationship. Abortion is not like deciding you chose the wrong blouse and you solved the problem by just getting rid of it. The two of you came to a decision to end the existence of what would one day be a crawling, walking, and talking human being. Most people would find it difficult to find a happiness together after such a decision. Some people would find it hard to go on as usual while ignoring the white elephant in the room. Whatever you do together, can bring up thoughts of the child you did not think was good enough or convenient enough to fit in with your plans. Picnics, Christmas, birth of new children, etc. You are, and would be, a constant reminder while you are with him.

This boyfriend may be suffering from regret or guilt and you are just a reminder of something horrible that happened. It may even be as wide as him wondering what kind of mother you would be to children you actually birthed. How far would your love go as a mother? He might wonder if you have a tolerance limit when it comes to other people being in the way? How would you view him if he became "in the way"?

I am actually more upset with your story about your mother. Red flags go up to me when parents push or strongly encourage or participate full force ahead with an abortion. I think they are mostly thinking of themselves. They are usually afraid they will have to help with child rearing or the event steps in the way of what THEY wanted their child to be. Most abortion situations often revolve around the "me" concept.

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