? With Holding Sex = Reason for Affair ?
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| Fri, 10-12-2007 - 3:25pm |
I'm watching a Montel Williams episode today, and a woman who has been married several times has started a company with the sole purpose of helping spouses cheat, saying that she has finally discovered that withholding sex from her past husbands is why her marriages ended!!!!
The company supports the idea that if your spouse isn't satisfying you sexually, or is withholding sex from you, then cheating is an acceptable alternative to ending the relationship. The company even acts as a sounding board for the spouse should he/she feel guilty for having an affair. The company gives the straying spouse strategies to cheat without getting caught. This company, and others like it, help you buy services to successfully cheat.
For a complete review, check out Adultery For Sale.
Thoughts?
Edited 10/14/2007 8:14 pm ET by cl-misty_mae





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Hey Bronco,
It's not a double standard at all. When I took my vows, they were about the commitment hubby and I were making to each other, and I feel that commitment needs to be honored. However, just like in an open relationship, if we mutually decide to change the rules of our marriage, then that's an entirely different thing. It is still about a commitment we make to each other, the way we want our commitment to be. I don't want to offend anyone else, but my marriage vows weren't made to honor a god, they were made between my husband and myself.
Very early in our marriage, we had a friend who's husband had a degenerative disease; leading him to become an invalid over a period of time. As the disease worsened, she became strictly a caretaker also raising two young daughters, and eventually did take on a lover. While a lot of people became critical of her, hubby and I both felt it was the best thing she could do.
For us, the thought of our partner suffering, living in constant stress, or being our caretaker is a form of life neither of us is comfortable with on a long-term, never-ending basis. We would want our partner to have joy in their life, and we both realize that the partner would need a release of stress and a way to gather strength. For us, we know that we gather that strength from each other, and feel a person can not live strictly giving and not taking (anymore than they could live taking and not giving). I could go a lot deeper into this, but basically, we encourage each other to move forward in such a circumstance, and wouldn't consider it cheating if we were physically unable to provide our partner with the comforts of a loving, nurturing relationship. We have had similar conversations over the years, and our feelings have remained the same.
In another situation, we have friends who are unable to have intercourse, but are able to have a loving relationship. In that situation, the wife would like to take on a lover, and the husband is not agreeable to it. He is able and willing to do many things to satisfy her sexual needs; she claims nothing can satisfy her short of having a penis inside her vagina. While she's my best friend, I don't agree with her, and couldn't support her decision to step out of her marriage. They have a great relationship, they are very physical, and I know that taking on a lover runs a high risk in her marriage. Of course, I also know that there are a great many sexual things that she could be doing with her hubby, and isn't willing to give them a sincere try.
I guess my point of sharing those two stories is this: in both circumstances, the couples are unable to have intercourse. In one situation, I feel it is right for the woman to take on a lover, and in the other, I feel it is wrong for the woman to take on a lover. Of course those feelings also relate to how my mate would feel about the situation if it were ours. In either circumstance, I wouldn't feel right stepping out on my vows if it made him unhappy.
my partner in the siggy exchange
I agree in theory with both you and Steve, however, yes you knew it was coming. I can not judge or say what is right and wrong here, there are way to many variables involved. There are thousands of reasons why someone would continue to stay with a partner with out affection or sex, and if the other spouse agrees or disagrees with the other taking a lover it still breaks the vows. The vows didn't say anything about well we will forsake all others unless.......... I suppose my question to you and Steve
You're right Bronco, those are some tough questions, and I suspect they are questions that each individual going through that sort of situation would have to struggle with. As far as the vows, the argument could go on forever, especially when it comes to living outside of them. You could go so far as to say one would be locked into an unhappy life not only by honoring the vow of "forsaking all others" but also by honoring the vow of "until death do us part". On a very basic level, I view marriage vows as a contract between two people. While there is no expiration date to the contract, it is subject to renegotiation. If the parties can't come to terms that they can both honor, then the contract becomes null and void. In that respect, if one party doesn't agree to the other stepping outside of the marriage, then my opinion is that they shouldn't do so.
There is also a point for many that comes to a place where one party is no longer able to make decisions or do for themselves. Perhaps that is the point where I feel it is okay to decide to change the rules yourself. When you have a partner who is unwilling to make things better -- you still have a problem that the two of you can tackle. When you have a partner who is unable to make things better -- you are left to your own resources.
I believe it's wrong to encourage people to cheat on their spouse. I know that cheating can have different forms, but I feel that a couple can set their own ground rules. Like taking a test -- some are open book, others are not; thus making the rules of "cheating" different for each test. For me, in my own relationship, it's important to me that I'm honest with myself and my spouse. That covers everything from looking at hot bodies to having a physical affair, and we have "negotiated" our contract (the terms of our marriage) having a suitable agreement that works for us. I know that for some couples there are a lot of gray areas, and I know that some people consider different things to be cheating. I think there's a difference between something like talking on the message boards and having a physical affair, and my point here isn't so much as to discuss those differences as it is to discuss the effects of the types of businesses that the original post referred to. Those businesses don't teach people to look at porn on the internet, to seek out message boards discussing sex, or to fantasize about bathing beauties -- they teach people how to have physical affairs without getting caught.
As far as companies starting up a business to help their clients cheat without getting caught, I suspect we could also have companies that advertise teaching people to cheat on their income taxes without getting caught. Perhaps there could be companies that teach people how to rob stores or murder people without getting caught. While there are things like justifiable homicide, and there are families in desperate need of feeding their children, setting up shop to teach people how to do things that are wrong would certainly encourage people who are not in a position of need and necessity to do those very things, KWIM?
my partner in the siggy exchange
Does anyone know what Christopher Reeve's wife did?
Chelle-
Amour-Propre
The company supports the idea that if your spouse isn't satisfying you sexually, or is withholding sex from you, then cheating is an acceptable alternative to ending the relationship.
I might now pose the question....
What then is the reason for cheating when sex is not withheld?
It seems to me that I know of many, many more individuals who dealt with a cheating spouse and the withholding of
Mrs P
my partner in the siggy exchange
I believe it was more likely she "made the discovery" when she saw the means for a steady paycheck. Here's what her firm claims to be professional in doing.
my partner in the siggy exchange
Treat you will respect and consideration
She didn't proofread her webpage as I spotted this glaring error...unprofessional to say the least.
I agree with you Misty....the discovery directly correlates with her realization that there was a buck to be made...
and in her case, she may quite possibly be the first woman in history to have figured out how to make a pile of money from not having sex.
Usually it's the other way around and we call them Prostitutes.
We need to think up a new term...just for her!
Join me in a toast to a life well lived.....
Mrs P
Bingo
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