Honest advice from women welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Honest advice from women welcome
24
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:52pm

Hi,

I need some female insight into a problem I am having. I'm not sure if it's ok to post this or not, I didn't realize this was a female centered forum until after I signed up but figured I would give it a try.

first, the back story.

Although I don't consider it to be, I guess modern psychology would say i was mentally abused as a child. I was naturally a big kid, my parents were always afraid that I would grow up fat, so they constantly were on me about my weight, my father in particular would always go into detail as to why the opposite sex would not like me if I was fat. This combined with my siblings always commenting on me being fat pretty much shot any confidence I had in myself when dealing with girls in school. Despite this, I did eventually have some luck with girls and finally had sex, problem is, I was told I was pretty bad at it. As an adult I know this was to be expected but at the time it was a critical blow to me, thus making me pretty much give up completely. I stopped trying to have contact with women not to long after that.

Well, after seventeen years, I came to a point in my life I decided I needed to get back out there and try again, meanwhile I pretty much fulfilled my parents fears and have become fat.

Well, it took some time but I was able to build my confidence up again and try to date and have sex, I had much better luck this time around. Although I was inexperienced I felt I was getting better and honestly was pretty damn good at a number of things.

Well, then I got into a relationship with a woman that was not the best. Through out the relationship she was always putting me down and commenting on how inadequate I was when it came to sex and with my image in general. She pretty much destroyed any confidence I had built up in myself.

I recently broke up with her and am now on the dating scene again, and have met a wonderful and very beautiful woman.

Me being a big guy, I have always dated bigger women figuring it was even ground so to speak, this woman however is like no other I have dated before. She is physically like a Barbie doll, and has her choice of any man she could possibly want, for some reason I seem to have gained her attention and she is interested in me.

Now, to the problem at hand....

I'm a big guy and with that comes some physical things that just are. My size inhibits my manhood because of both the optical illusion and because some of the fat physically hides some of my penis.

I am also dealing with insecurities that I thought I had conquered, but since I have met her they have pushed their way back into my mind. I constantly am afraid to talk about sex with her, or even flirt in a sexual way with her because I am worried about what happens if we escalate to that point and having to actually put it to the test.

So here I am body conscious, no confidence and I am unable to react naturally with this beautiful and great woman.

I am constantly worried about how I will measure up to her previous lovers, how i will perform considering the size difference and all that.

Can anyone give me soem advice that might help, or relate something that might ease my fears?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:12pm
Hi sexn00b, and welcome to the board. I'm not a woman (there is a fairly significant contingent of guys who post here, despite iVillage being marketed mostly towards women), but maybe I can help anyway.

You write:



She is physically like a Barbie doll, and has her choice of any man she could possibly want, for some reason I seem to have gained her attention and she is interested in me.



IMO you are already over the first hurdle. This beautiful woman has already indicated that she is interested in you, and is interested in dating you. From there it pretty much follows that she is interested in having sex with you. The trick will be to remember to listen to her voice, and not the voices of your parents or other women you have dated in the past.



The other advice I'd offer if and when things progress to having sex with her is to try and relax and be yourself. You cannot be someone you're not, and you cannot benefit from experience you don't have, so just be honest with yourself and with her. Each woman's sexual response is different anyway, so any expertise you'd developed at pleasing previous lovers may or may not come in useful when it comes to pleasing her. If she is indeed the wonderful woman you believe her to be, I'm sure she will be patient while you set about learning how to be a good lover of her. Perhaps you could even ask her to show you how she likes to be touched, what she likes done, how hard or how soft she likes things on different parts of her body, and how fast or how slowly she likes things to progress.



Good luck to you, and please stick around and let us know how things go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:49pm

Don't worry so much, everything will work itself out! You are putting way too much pressure on yourself because of your past. I certainly don't want that to sound like I'm saying what has happened doesn't affect you, but I am saying that you don't want your past to control your future.

First of all, how long have you been seeing her and what is your relationship like? Are you two BF/GF or just casually dating? If this is a brand new relationship, you are simply worrying too much. Are you "trying" to sleep with her or have a relationship with her? My guess would be you want a relationship, so you kind of have to see where it goes first.

If she cares for you and wants to be with you, most likely, the only physical flaws she'll be thinking about when you two are naked are her own. A healthy relationship is based on more than sex (obviously) and while the act in itself is important, it isn't the MOST important thing. Everyone gets performance anxiety once in a while, even with someone you have incredible sex with! Things don't always work out the way you think they will/should or whatever, but you just laugh it off and move past it.

When the two of you do decide you want to take things further, just tell her how you're feeling and ask her how she wants you. Every new lover is different and both of you will have to learn how to best please each other! She obviously finds you attractive, otherwise, she wouldn't be seeing you, so put those bad thoughts from your parents/exes/siblings about yourself away. Your new interest wouldn't be there if she didn't want to be.

Just be sure to take your time with her! Find out how she likes to be kissed, held, caressed and talked to. Just be attentive and caring and she should let you know what she likes. If you want to find out more about techniques, you can find a lot of information online. Just google "free sex tutorial/technique" and things of that nature. I have done this quite a bit myself to try and improve my own performance. Also, theclitoris.com is a great resource about female response and anatomy. And, of course if you have any specific questions about anything, you can always ask around here.

On another note, a good person would never belittle anothers sexual performance, but help to improve what they share together. I know that weight can make things a little bit harder, but you just have to experiment and find out what works for you both. The only bad lovers are ones that don't try to please, and you obviously want to please her. Don't stress yourself out over this and just let things progress comfortably and naturally. Most of all, don't worry about what she'll think, just focus on what she wants and you'll be just fine.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:52pm
Thanks for posting, Steve! Wonderful advise, as always. :) I was just about to make a second post saying the same thing, for him to be himself, but you beat me to it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 10:12pm

Welcome to the board sexn00b.

I usually find that when people need to shake confidence in another person, it's an attempt to make themselves look better than they really are. Combined with the confidence shaking your parents gave you, you might need to get some help to deal with your self esteem issues. There are a lot of books available that can help to get you started.

Not all people look for the same things in a partner. This woman has already shown her interest in you, and I'm sure you have a lot to offer her. Worrying about how you will measure up to her previous lovers isn't really fair to either of you. It's no secret that many people have similar fears, and it's not just because of the size of their bodies. The reality is that she isn't with any of her previous lovers, and there's no doubt a reason for that. Something about them didn't measure up to what she wanted or needed in a relationship, and the same goes for your previous lovers. Since you have had your confidence shaken, perhaps it would be a better decision for you to take things slowly this time. Work on developing a relationship that you can feel comfortable with and have trust in.

As far as the size differences when it comes to sex, there are many positions that allow you to not put weight on her. Maybe educate yourself on some of those prior to having a sexual encounter with her. Variety is always nice, and you might impress her as the best lover she's ever had with your list of tricks! Trying positions like woman on top, doggy, and variations to missionary can all be done without worrying about putting your weight on her -- and they're all popular positions for any size person! If you want her to be on top, instead of thinking it's because of your weight, think about how sexy she will look. Let her know how much it will turn you on to see her there, and suddenly you've turned it from a problem with your confidence to a hot and steamy sexcapade.

I'm also including a link that discusses sexual positions for larger people, and a book available from amazon.com. You might find some helpful tips in them too.

Sexual Positions for Larger People
http://www.more2hug.com/articles/sex.html

Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them
http://www.amazon.com/Big-Love-Sourcebook-People-Those/dp/1890159166

For people of all sizes, a healthy, happy and fulfilling sex life begins in the mind. Find ways to get your head wrapped around the positive things about this relationship and the new woman you have found while letting the past go. It's amazing the difference that can make.

Feel free to post more questions here as you progress, and keep us posted on how things are going.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:07am


Hi sexn00b!

First I want to say you must be doing something right.
If your size bothered her she'd of never looked your
way. Size doesn't matter personality is what matters
and she sees some thing in you that she likes and wants..
Don't be afraid to talk to her.. Your parents were in the
wrong BIG time! Forget what they said . Cause it sounds
like you are doing great. Just remember not all people are
so shallow. Try not to worry so much and relax.

Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:07am

First of all, how long have you been seeing her and what is your relationship like? Are you two BF/GF or just casually dating? If this is a brand new relationship, you are simply worrying too much. Are you "trying" to sleep with her or have a relationship with her? My guess would be you want a relationship, so you kind of have to see where it goes first.

Our relationship is still in the early stages, were both fresh out of relationships, so we are taking it slow. We've been talking for about a month and have been out a few times, we've only recently started talking about sex, before we were both leaving it out of discussion, she because she didn't want it to be the main topic, myself because I didn't want to go into much detail and show my inexperience or flirt to heavily and then write a check my skill can't pay out on.

Last night was the first night we went into details about are preferences, she says she likes the guy to take charge initially but afterwards pretty much take it from there. This makes me nervous because I don't really think of myself as a take charge type when it comes to sex,I am once I am familiar with a woman but in the first interaction I tend to be a bit timid. Something I am working on. My biggest hurdle there is that I am not very good at reading the subtle hints most women put off and am always worried that I will misinterpret what i think I am reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:14am

Hi sexn00b!

First I want to say you must be doing something right.
If your size bothered her she'd of never looked your
way. Size doesn't matter personality is what matters
and she sees some thing in you that she likes and wants..
Don't be afraid to talk to her.. Your parents were in the
wrong BIG time! Forget what they said . Cause it sounds
like you are doing great. Just remember not all people are
so shallow. Try not to worry so much and relax.

Kareese

Well, as far as I can tell, she grew up in a family that was big, her being the only small one and thats (she says) why my size doesn't effect her, she has told me a number of times the guy should always be bigger than the woman, it's just the way it's supposed to be.

I just get worried because I've never been with a small woman and her physical attributes intimidate me a bit. She's constantly being hit on, even if she doesn't recognize it as such, by guys at her work (some of which are married). She was a former Budweiser girl here in the local area, going to bars and events to show off the beer and did posters for bars and drive threw's, so when I run it through my mind, I just get a bit overwhelmed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:29am

Ok, you're a big man, and she knows that....she doesn't have to see you naked to know it. She obviously doesn't CARE about that. Good for her! It's unfortunate that your parents made you self conscious about your weight, but they were really saying those things for your benefit.....and I'm sure you know that being overweight isn't healthy. I also know since I'm overweight myself, that it's very hard to lose weight, but a bit of good news...it's MUCH easier for men to lose weight than it is for women. You might want to start thinking about eating healthier.....if for no other reason than to have more stamina for her when the time comes. Also, did you know that for every 35 pounds you lose....you gain an inch of penis? True! You seem to understand that the fat in that area covers part of it.

As for your experience....believe me there are guys that have been with MANY women that are lousy lovers. Willingness to please your partner is a LOT more important than penis size.....because intercourse is not as important for most women as foreplay is.....and you don't use your penis in foreplay. If you want to learn how a woman's body works, and how to please a woman, check out this website: www.the-clitoris.com

Also, assuming she knows you haven't had a lot of experience......she can HELP you to learn, and she sounds like the kind of woman that will be perfectly willing to do that. Just as an FYI.....you might learn from her how to send her into ecstacy......but all women are different, and every new woman that you're ever with will be somewhat different, and you have to ask each and every one what THEY like. Most are willing to tell or show you.....fortunately not many are like the one you had......complaining instead of showing you what she wanted or needed.

This woman seems to like you, and you like her.....and whenever you're ready, just be open and honest about needing her help.....and I'm sure it will work out just FINE. Make sure you check that website....it really explains a lot of things about a woman's body...and how little penis size really matters......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:17am
Normally i just lurk on these boards, but felt the need to jump in here. I am in a relationship with a guy who would be considered larger, and i am loving it. I think he too had some worries why i, who is about 5'7, 140ish, and 8 years younger, would be interested in him, 6'2 and i guess you would say a "big man", but now he sees i love him for him, not how big or small he is. To me it is not the looks or the size of the person, it is how they make you feel about yourself and each other. I have been with guys smaller than he is, but things were no where near as good as they are in this relationship. We have even gone as far to discuss marriage and kids in the future. My advise to you is just go with the flow, she sees something in you that she likes, if not she would not be around. Everyone has issues the first time someone sees them naked, no matter their size or age. Good luck to you, i wish the 2 of you all the best!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:21am
*My biggest hurdle there is that I am not very good at reading the subtle hints most women put off and am always worried that I will misinterpret what i think I am reading.*

With a new lover, subtle hints can be difficult to interpret for even the most sexually experienced person. I'd suggest asking her, at least at first, to provide you with verbal feedback about what she likes and what she'd like you to try doing a little differently.

ETA: I notice that you're trying to use BB tags (

,
, etc.) in your posts. BB tags don't work in the village. If you're using Internet Explorer on a PC you can use the WYSIWYG formatting, otherwise you have to type actual HTML code.

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Edited 8/25/2007 10:23 am ET by bostonsteve

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