Honest advice from women welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Honest advice from women welcome
24
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:52pm

Hi,

I need some female insight into a problem I am having. I'm not sure if it's ok to post this or not, I didn't realize this was a female centered forum until after I signed up but figured I would give it a try.

first, the back story.

Although I don't consider it to be, I guess modern psychology would say i was mentally abused as a child. I was naturally a big kid, my parents were always afraid that I would grow up fat, so they constantly were on me about my weight, my father in particular would always go into detail as to why the opposite sex would not like me if I was fat. This combined with my siblings always commenting on me being fat pretty much shot any confidence I had in myself when dealing with girls in school. Despite this, I did eventually have some luck with girls and finally had sex, problem is, I was told I was pretty bad at it. As an adult I know this was to be expected but at the time it was a critical blow to me, thus making me pretty much give up completely. I stopped trying to have contact with women not to long after that.

Well, after seventeen years, I came to a point in my life I decided I needed to get back out there and try again, meanwhile I pretty much fulfilled my parents fears and have become fat.

Well, it took some time but I was able to build my confidence up again and try to date and have sex, I had much better luck this time around. Although I was inexperienced I felt I was getting better and honestly was pretty damn good at a number of things.

Well, then I got into a relationship with a woman that was not the best. Through out the relationship she was always putting me down and commenting on how inadequate I was when it came to sex and with my image in general. She pretty much destroyed any confidence I had built up in myself.

I recently broke up with her and am now on the dating scene again, and have met a wonderful and very beautiful woman.

Me being a big guy, I have always dated bigger women figuring it was even ground so to speak, this woman however is like no other I have dated before. She is physically like a Barbie doll, and has her choice of any man she could possibly want, for some reason I seem to have gained her attention and she is interested in me.

Now, to the problem at hand....

I'm a big guy and with that comes some physical things that just are. My size inhibits my manhood because of both the optical illusion and because some of the fat physically hides some of my penis.

I am also dealing with insecurities that I thought I had conquered, but since I have met her they have pushed their way back into my mind. I constantly am afraid to talk about sex with her, or even flirt in a sexual way with her because I am worried about what happens if we escalate to that point and having to actually put it to the test.

So here I am body conscious, no confidence and I am unable to react naturally with this beautiful and great woman.

I am constantly worried about how I will measure up to her previous lovers, how i will perform considering the size difference and all that.

Can anyone give me soem advice that might help, or relate something that might ease my fears?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:31am
yeah, I noticed it wasn't working, but still kinda did the job, guess I'l have to find a firefox plug in so I can do the html side :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:41am
If you're on a PC I'm told there is a plug-in for Firefox to enable the WSYSIWYG formatting. Those of us on Macs are still SOL.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 11:21am

Just adding to what Steve said about the html. If you don't have the iVillage Express Yourself package, you can't do anything fancy with your text, regardless of your browser version or coding knowledge.

I think the way that you are highlighting your quotes is working, as it lets people know that you are indeed quoting them. Otherwise, just using the "quote" marks is very common as well.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 1:00pm
Well, a lot of women say "take charge," but what they literally mean is "initiate." So, I don't think you have to worry so much since she likes to take the reigns. When it gets to that point in your relationship, I'm sure everything will be fine. She sounds like a nice girl and I'm sure the two of you will probably discuss sex even more before it happens, so there will be opportunity to share your personal experiences and anxieties with her. She is obviously into you, and sounds really understanding, so I don't think you have to worry about her "expectations." Just keep being yourself and be honest with her. Keep us posted! Good luck!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 8:46am

Good for you mick_nl! I also am not what you would call slim at 5'9" and 150lbs but I am in pretty good shape. Out of the last four guys I dated three of them were definitely on the big side. But ... their minds, personality and outlook mattered so much more to me than their appearance as long as I felt they were healthy. I have actually found that big guys seem to try a little harder in bed to make things good than the guys that are all washboard abs and such. They say that sex is more 'how you use it' and I would have to agree. The man I am now madly in love with and plan on spending the rest of my life with is probably 50 lbs overweight but he is healthy and the sex we have is literally mind-blowing. He's always patting his belly and saying he needs to lose some weight but as long as he stays healthy I don't have a problem with it. I just rub it and tell him that I love all of him! Besides ... the bottom of his belly rubs against my clitoris in just the right way when he has me in certain positions -- whew. If he does try to lose that belly I may have to feed him more just to make sure he doesn't lose too much of it LOL!

So in other words, try to find out what pleases your lady and do it over and over again. If you are willing to do that she will continue to care about the person you really are -- I really believe beauty is more than skin-deep.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 9:41pm

well, a few of you have expressed an interest in me letting you know what is going on with the woman I mentioned here, so I figured I would fill you all in.

As of right now, it's looking like were not going to be a happening thing.

We talked Monday and I asked her out, she said she was very busy with everything going on at the time and wasn't sure when she had the time, later in the conversation as we discussed her getting a second job to earn money to compensate for her husband cutting off the child support, she said she didn't see how she could do anything as far as a relationship since she would have no time. She had to end the conversation early because her son was giving a fit about taking a bath, said she would call me back and never did, although she did text me apologizing for not calling back, explaining why and that she would call the next day. She never did call.

On Wednesday I sent a text wishing her luck on a job interview she had scheduled that night, she didn't respond. Later that evening I called and left a message on her voice mail inquiring about how the interview went. Never got a call back.

Sent another text today asking again, no response.

I'm pretty much running on the assumption now that it has come to a screeching halt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 10:17pm
I am sorry to hear that. It sounds like she has a lot going on right now! How long has the ex been the ex? Well, just know that we are all here for you and hope that you stick around. Keep your chin up!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 10:23pm
the ex is from many years back, she married him when she was 18 and was with him for 7 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 10:31pm
Oh, so how long have they been divorced?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 10:43pm

if memory serves me, she was married to him for 7 years, dated for a bit then was in another relationship for 5 to 7 years, then dated a guy for 6 months or so who ended up having a fiance, Shelley found out the hard way when a mutual friend found out about them dating and informed her that his fiance was pregnant. Then there was me.

I'm sure there were some left out that she hasn't mentioned, there always are in the getting to know you phase :-), then when your in a relationship, bam"oh, there was this guy once" yadda yadda yadda