Honest advice from women welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Honest advice from women welcome
24
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:52pm

Hi,

I need some female insight into a problem I am having. I'm not sure if it's ok to post this or not, I didn't realize this was a female centered forum until after I signed up but figured I would give it a try.

first, the back story.

Although I don't consider it to be, I guess modern psychology would say i was mentally abused as a child. I was naturally a big kid, my parents were always afraid that I would grow up fat, so they constantly were on me about my weight, my father in particular would always go into detail as to why the opposite sex would not like me if I was fat. This combined with my siblings always commenting on me being fat pretty much shot any confidence I had in myself when dealing with girls in school. Despite this, I did eventually have some luck with girls and finally had sex, problem is, I was told I was pretty bad at it. As an adult I know this was to be expected but at the time it was a critical blow to me, thus making me pretty much give up completely. I stopped trying to have contact with women not to long after that.

Well, after seventeen years, I came to a point in my life I decided I needed to get back out there and try again, meanwhile I pretty much fulfilled my parents fears and have become fat.

Well, it took some time but I was able to build my confidence up again and try to date and have sex, I had much better luck this time around. Although I was inexperienced I felt I was getting better and honestly was pretty damn good at a number of things.

Well, then I got into a relationship with a woman that was not the best. Through out the relationship she was always putting me down and commenting on how inadequate I was when it came to sex and with my image in general. She pretty much destroyed any confidence I had built up in myself.

I recently broke up with her and am now on the dating scene again, and have met a wonderful and very beautiful woman.

Me being a big guy, I have always dated bigger women figuring it was even ground so to speak, this woman however is like no other I have dated before. She is physically like a Barbie doll, and has her choice of any man she could possibly want, for some reason I seem to have gained her attention and she is interested in me.

Now, to the problem at hand....

I'm a big guy and with that comes some physical things that just are. My size inhibits my manhood because of both the optical illusion and because some of the fat physically hides some of my penis.

I am also dealing with insecurities that I thought I had conquered, but since I have met her they have pushed their way back into my mind. I constantly am afraid to talk about sex with her, or even flirt in a sexual way with her because I am worried about what happens if we escalate to that point and having to actually put it to the test.

So here I am body conscious, no confidence and I am unable to react naturally with this beautiful and great woman.

I am constantly worried about how I will measure up to her previous lovers, how i will perform considering the size difference and all that.

Can anyone give me soem advice that might help, or relate something that might ease my fears?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 10:51pm

Yeah, that does happen quite a bit. I've never really understood it, the whole, "I'll be this person until this point, then I'll be this person in actuality." Silly, really!

Anywho, you seem like a good guy, so don't you fret. There are plenty of fish in the sea!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 10:08am

In many ways, it's better to have the relationship end at this early stage. It's far less likely to affect your self-confidence, which has been a problem in the past.



It does sound like she has a busy schedule. It's difficult to provide and maintain as a single parent, and perhaps she has realized that she just doesn't have time or energy to date right now. Often, with school starting, it's even more demanding to be a parent, let alone a single parent.



I think you should keep your eyes open and your chin up. You never know what you might find (or see) around the next corner in life. Maybe start reading some books that will help you with your confidence and/or image as well while you are inbetween things. Keep the momentum going of restoring who you are or should be, it will pay off in many ways.



Please keep posting here, asking questions, and sharing your progress with us. There's an entire section on the Love and Sex channels here focused on dating. One that you might want to look at is Rejoining the Dating Game. I'm sure there will be some good tips on that board about meeting people too.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 11:51am

Well, I haven't given up on it completely, there might be a good explanation as to why I haven't heard from her since, but I am not delusional either.

I'd love to hear from her again and I might try again in a week or two, but for the most part I am treating it as a done deal.

She either lost interest, got depressed about life and decided she couldn't deal with a dating situation, or she might just be having problems with her bills and got shut off.

neither of us has directly said no more contact, so I'll wait and see, in the meanwhile, I did go out and have a one nighter/FWB thing last weekend, did a lot to help my confidence. Ironicly, it enabled me to start thinking of Shelley in a sexual way and want to flirt with her, just when she stops communicating with me. Talk about bad timing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 2:48pm
Good for you for finding a woman who loves you for you! I too had taken years off (12-after a divorce), because I had been told I was useless for a NUMBER of reasons! I met a man in Feb. who loves the inside of me! I know this, because we met on a commercialized website without posting a picture. I was sooo insecure. I know how you feel! Let things go as they may without THINKING of them so much. I have a hard time with that one, let me tell ya...
Those of us who were models at 20, get old, wrinkly and fat too with age. Everyone changes physically in time. It sounds like you too have found someone who is not shallow!
Good luck
P.S. I had dated a man who was 300+lbs. years ago. I never thought of his appearence in a negitive way, ever. Give her a chance without putting words in her mouth.. :)

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