Hooking Up Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Hooking Up Question
6
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:31am

Hi everyone. OK, i'd like some help pleeeease! i'm 21 years old and i've only hooked up with a few guys so far (i've never had a long term relationship either). when i do hook up with a guy it's usually just kissing...only once have i done something other than that (the guy went down on me). basically, how do i build my confidence up to be more aggressive and not be so shy? i get so nervous when i'm with someone that i just stick with the kissing. i feel like i'm so unexperienced for my age, which makes it even worse; like i've never even given head before! i don't know the "correct" moves to make to hint at the guy that i'd like to give head...or if i want him to do something to me...like do i just go ahead and take off my shirt? unzip my pants? someone pleeease help me here....

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:58am

>>basically, how do i build my confidence up to be more aggressive and not be so shy? <<

Well, I think that you'd find that it'd be a lot easier in a more stable and a longer term relationship. You get to know him and he gets to know you. Although it can still be embarrassing to begin with, things get easier as they go along. The bigger question for you might be "Why do I feel that I NEED to be more aggressive in a short term hookup situation? What do I feel I need to accomplish?"

I don't think that you need to feel like you're unexperienced. Sure at 21yo there are usually a lot of other friends that are having full-on sexual relationships, but at the same time, and by the law of averages, there will be someone that simply hasn't met the right guy at the right time to form a long term relationship and become experienced with sex. i guess that you fit into that category - you simply haven't met the right guy just yet. I wouldn't panic about it - your post definitely gives the feeling that you are a little paniced about this situation. And trust me when I say that the "right guy" won't be scared off just because you haven't given a BJ before! he'll be more than happy to show you the ropes. Which brings me to my next point - every guy is a bit different. You can read up all about how to give a BJ on this website and others like it, but until you're actually doing it you can't learn the finer points that drive your particular guy up the wall.

Still, if you desperately want to give a guy a BJ, then I dunno... next time you find yourself in a hot and heavy embrace that's getting the two of you turned on, try something simple - try gently rubbing the front of his trousers as you're kissing. You'll feel him getting hard and erect. Then at an appropriate moment and before he does something to you, just slide down, slowly unzip him, and let his penis out of his trousers. Then using the tips and advice you've read about here give him a BJ. Maybe at some point you can under the trousers and belt properly and ask him to lift his butt (as necessary) and slide his trousers down around his ankles. Try to keep a sense of humour - you're meant to be having fun and enjoying it. Don't take it *too* seriously. You can do a lot "wrong" but he'll still love it.

One last thing - have you thought about STD's? A recent survey discovered that over 50% of guys would not tell a new partner that they had an STD if they knew that they had it. And don't forget that a lot of guys don't even know. How do you feel about getting a nice cold sore on the corner of your mouth that won't go away for the sake of one night? Something to think about anyway.

Have fun - and be safe.

Edited to add:

BTW, it's much cuter and sexier if you unbutton the first couple of buttons, look him in the eyes, pause, and then ask HIM to take your shirt off for you ;-)




Edited 7/14/2006 5:06 am ET by westridge2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:15am

I didn't perform fellatio until I was married, so there's no timeline to do this or that. And there are no "correct moves" either.

IF you want a guy to touch your breasts, then put his hands there, or yes, start taking off your shirt. If you want him to go down on you, then either gently lead him down there or ask him to. IF you want to go down on him, then unbutton and unzip him and kiss your way down. IF he doesn't want you to, he'll stop you, but I highly doubt that.

And as Westie cautioned, use a condom even for oral sex since you could find yourself with something to remember him by.

With experience, comes confidence. Give yourself some time and you'll be fine.




Edited 7/14/2006 11:18 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:31am

Instead of worrying about "hooking up"......why not just try to find someone that you can get to know, and trust, and feel comfortable with. It's not necessary to get sexually involved with ANYONE....just to get them to like you, or ask you out, or have a relationship with. YOu can have full out sex with a guy, but that's not going to guarantee that he "likes" you, or that you'll ever hear from him again.

If you find the right person, you'll KNOW what to do. It has nothing to do with experience. It's not a matter of being "aggressive", either. If he's interested in getting to know you better, and you feel the same, things will progress naturally.

Save the sex for a relationship, not a "hookup". Believe it or not, some people wait months to start sexual activity! If it's someone you just met, kissing should be sufficient. If and when you've seen him many times, and a relationship is developing, THEN you can consider more than kissing, and when that happens, you'll know exactly what to do, and so will he.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:35pm

I was in a similar situation as you. Due to shyness and being picky, I didn't have an actual relationship until I was 23. When I was in college, I considered hooking up and going farther with guys that I wasn't in a relationship with, just to see what it was like. In the end though, I decided I wasn't even enjoying kissing guys outside of a relationship, so I doubted I'd enjoy the other stuff either.

Honestly, my inexperience was never a problem for me when I did get together with my boyfriend at the age of 23. With just a little bit of searching on the internet, I was able to find out a lot more tricks and techniques than my best friend who had been with many guys knew about. Also, my boyfriend and I held off on getting physically intimate until we were very close in other ways, so when we did we very comfortable with each other. As a result, I was able to relax and let loose with him much more than he says any other girl that he'd been with before ever had.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:04pm

For me my confidence came with my comfortabilty. You have never been in a serious relationship I would say dont rush anything. Sex is great but it has been my experience that it is 10x greater with someone that you love and loves you in return. As much as I experienced with my first partner it is nothing in comparison to the lack of inhabitions that I have with my husband. And there is no embarrassment and not ackwardness just us enjoying eachother. When you are comfortable with your partner you mind races and you will soon be unzipping his pants with your teeth! Good Luck :)

Nikki

Nikki

Hot Wife to Courtney & SuperMom to David & Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:44pm

Be careful not to make sex shallow or to do anything sexual because you feel thAt its expected or everybody else was doing it. My group of friends are a bunch of sluts (well, they are mostly guys so I guess players)but when I met them I was a virgin. I was the prud of the group-still am, but they respect that.

Experience comes with time and passion. It's better to work with one person to master an art then to do wham, bam, thank you maam relationships. Ask any guy who has "been around" who has been the best at sex and they will usually say girls they were with for a while even if they hate that girl now.

What's important is that you do what you want to whether it's hooking up to gain experience or waiting for a relationship as long as it's what you want-cool-just be confident and guys will love you.