How am i going to get through tomorrow?!
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| Wed, 05-25-2005 - 2:29pm |
Ok
Well tomorrow my gf has her first softball game since last week. I found about her past sexual partners on sat night when we talked, and the softball coach is one of them. I have went to all her games this year without knowing about this and now i know the two of them use to sleep together.
I feel sick to my stomach now and I know its going to be soo much worse tomorrow if I go to her game. Because I am actually going to see this guy there. All I picture in my mind is them two together having sex. I want to throw up. I feel so nauseous and upset. If I dont go to the game she is going to knwo this is really bothering b/c I have not missed a single game of hers. If I do go its going to be so hard for me.
I dont know how Im going to get through tomorrow.

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So, what do you propose that she do about the problem you're having with this? What is it that you want her to do to make you feel better?
You should HOPE that she doesn't look up some of your past lovers and become jealous of them, too! And if she has the names, that's all she needs.
Edited 5/26/2005 4:53 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
It's natural that you feel a little jealousy or that your stomach does a flip-flop when you see these guys the first time or two. But you've GOT to get over this and accept it as something that happens to EVERYONE. It's natural that people date other people and that you will likely meet them some day. There is no point saying "Oh but she'll never meet any of my exes." How does that actually make it any better?
Why do you feel so sick? What exactly are the thoughts that run through your head? You think about the guy , and her, and what goes through your mind?
I think about how she was with them. naked with them. in bed with them. having sex with them.
they know what its like to be with her.
I was with my first love for almost four years(met him when I was 14, had sex at almost 16, broke up at 17 1/2). After him, I had three short-term relationships(less than eight months each) and one one-nighter; all before I met my DH at 19 1/2. DH knew about all of these relationships(except the one-nighter), so I'm sure he assumed that there was sex involved. If he wanted, he could have dwelled on the fact that I was with my first-love for almost four years. That he must have been something special, or the best in bed.
DH was engaged to be married before I met him with a girl he dated for two years. His first girlfriend whom he had sex with lived on his block. It never, not even once, crossed my mind to even think about them in bed. What purpose would it serve? None, nada, zip, zilch.
That's what everyone's been trying to tell you. That whether it was one or twenty men, you just can't think about it. It's not healthy. What if she had only one boyfriend for three years, would you still get sick thinking about her having sex with him? Afterall, it must have been good if it lasted that long, right? If DH or I thought the way you do, we'd not be together today. In fact, if anyone thinks the way you do, there'd be no relationships at all.
You never answered some of the other posters. How many partners did you have prior to meeting her and in what context? It could help us to help you. Do you compare your SO to them? Do you still think about them?
Edited 5/30/2005 6:35 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
OH MY GOD! You have been with 35 women and you have the audacity to judge your girlfriend for being with 9 different guys several of whom she was not in a relationship with when 31 of your 35 meant little or nothing to you?!? Can we talk double standard here? So what if you still see some of the men she has been with? So what if these guys have been with her and seen her naked and had sex with her? You are the one with her now. If you can't get over it and can't go on without making her feel guilty about her mildly erotic past before you met her, let her go so she can be with a guy that has more compassion and understanding for her as a person and sexual being. We all have pasts - some things we maybe should be ashamed of and other things we shouldn't but make ourselves feel ashamed of. You g/f has done nothing wrong other than tell you (sounds like under pressure) WHO she has been with. She was young and she experimented with sex - BIG DEAL! You need to either suck it up or shut up at this point. Counseling might help but you have to decide if you are going to hold your current g/f to a higher standard than any other woman you have been with as well as a good majority of women in the U.S. There is a good chance this could happen again in the future if you break up with this girl and go out with someone else - chances are, she is still friends with at least one ex of hers or still sees some one night stand or b/f. Are you going to let this get to you forever?
Personally, I think this is your issue - I think you might have some jealousy problems and some insecurities. You owe it to yourself and your g/f (assuming you want to stay with her) to get past this in any way you can.
I also apologize if this sounds harsh, but come one guy! You have to get over this! You are making yourself and your g/f miserable for no good reason and for something that neither of you can help. Neither of you can change her past and making her feel like a slut and full of guilt won't make either of you feel better and instead only worse. Get help or get out.
You have been with 35 women! And, you admittedly USED 31 of them! What does that make YOU? You say THEY don't have "faces"? They ALL had faces, and they all learned from their experience, as your g/f learned from her experience. How dare you judge her, or any of her partners? How dare you think that you are any better than any of her ex partners.....and how dare you ASSUME that they were using her? Maybe she was using THEM! Maybe every one of them had feelings for her, but it just didn't work out!
You know what? NONE of this insanity makes any difference at all! If you continue with this behavior, it will be a moot point, because you will be the NEXT ex-boyfriend. No woman is going to put up with your immature behavior for very long. She THINKS she loves you......but that will fly right out the window eventually, when she gets tired of defending herself....when there is NOTHING that she needs to defend.
I would also strongly suggest that in the future, make sure you date no one but virgins, then there will be no past to concern yourself about. You need to either get a grip, or get into some intensive therapy to lose your obsessive mind set.
OK, this is interesting and opens up a whole can of worms. You used 90% of the women that you ever slept with and because you used all those women, you feel bad because you believe that she must have been used by those other guys too.
Why do you feel bad about her being used?
How do you know that she was used? Maybe she wasn't used at all? Maybe they were good, solid and mutually agreeable relationships that were based on more than just sex. Maybe they broke apart for reasons other than sex? Maybe she used THEM for sex?
Do you think that your g/f is good enough for you? Do you feel that she is not the girl that you thought she was?
How do you feel about all those girls that YOU used? Would you ever want to date any of them again?
Here's a final thought; if she felt used and was upset about it, do you REALLY think that she would be comfortable seeing any of these guys again? Do you think that she would be sop relaxed about seeing them and be happy to talk to them? No, I didn't think so either. I don't think that she was used in any of those relationships.
Is that why you feel so bad? Does it seem that these other guys are nicer guys and BETTER than you? They must be if your g/f feels comfortable talking to them. None of YOUR ex-g/f's feel comfortable talking to you now. Heck, you don't even see them! Does that mean that you are less worthy and not as nice a guy as your g/f's exes?
Tony Soprano. He's the classic poster-boy for the madonna/whore complex...
"A man with a madonna-whore complex is a man who will sleep with and lust for a sexual and beautiful woman but he will never respect her as "wife" material and he will never marry her. In his eyes, she is tainted, impure, unworthy of the status of wife---yet he may possess passionate and contradictory feelings for her. He may even be in love with her but will never allow himself to be with her in any real sense.
He will look for a "good girl" to marry---usually a woman who is cold sexually but, for example, is good at "wifely" domestic things: cooking, cleaning, homemaking in general, etc. A proper, pure "madonna" type woman who will bear his children"
"For some men, love and sex don't mix. For them, love is reserved for 'good' women, and sex is reserved for 'bad' women. In cases of the Madonna/Whore Complex (or Syndrome), a husband's relationship with his wife may be based upon the unmet intimacy needs he had as an infant. He may unconsciously seek out a woman who reminds him of his mother so that those needs can finally be met."
"When these men marry, they will marry a 'good' woman, a virginal woman. They will love her, they will protect her, they will treasure her."
"But they don't feel comfortable having sex with her once they marry. It would be 'dirty', like having sex with their own mother -- the purest 'good' woman in their life. And, once their wife becomes the mother of their children, the lines blur even more for him between his wife and his mother."
"If they are like many men who separate love from sex, and 'good' women from 'bad' women, they will have sex, but it will be with 'bad' women, and it will be sex for the sake of sex, not particularly as an expression of love."
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I'm no professional, but I don't think I'm too far off. It's "good" vs. "bad" woman in your head -- classic madonna/whore thinking.
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