How to bring up touchy subject...
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| Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:52pm |
OK, I'm new to this, so I'm trying this again. My prior discussion title was wrong...
Hi there!
I am hoping for some feedback about a situation. Please, be brutal if you feel the need.
I've been dating a great guy now for almost 1 year. Some background is that he's out of town a lot for work (he's a pilot) so we typically only get to see each other once or twice a week. He calls almost daily, sometimes a couple of times a day when he's out of town and when he's in town. We're both clear that neither of us is seeing anyone else and that we don't have to worry about what the other person is doing while he is away. And, I do trust him.
About 2 months ago, I couldn't help myself and let the words "I love you" slip out. He said NOTHING - still hasn't. He DID hold me closer and has been even more attentive and sweet than before since I said it. I don't really regret having said it - but it sure makes me feel a little insecure to STILL not know where I stand with him. He shows me with his ACTIONS that he cares about me a lot. In fact, if it wasn't for this one issue that I'm here to ask about, I would probably not be too insecure at all. The issue is this - we have still not been intimate. I'm not used to being the aggressor, so I've not really pushed things much. When I HAVE pushed a little bit in an attempt to get things going, he usually pulls back. I have noticed a small change in him over the last month or so - he's getting maybe a bit more aggressive. Not much, though. We've still not done much other than a lot of kissing and cuddling. On the one hand, it's been great to get to know him so well as a person before adding in the complexity of sex. I AM glad we've taken our time. However, I'm just starting to wonder now if something is WRONG here. I KNOW that we need to talk about it, I just am not sure how best to start a conversation like this...
HELP!

What's the point of beating around the bush? It sounds like a good relationship, and it's been a year now. (not like some that MUST know within a week or two what the guys intentions are!) Tell him you'd like to talk about where you two are going. If he can't handle that, then that's a kind of clue that he's not thinking about the future, which is really an answer to your question.
After a year, you certainly have a right to know if this is leading anywhere and if you two are on the same page. While you're at it, ask about the "intimacy" situation.
It's hard to be forthright about this kind of discussion, but it's obvious you want to KNOW, and the only way to know is to ask. Again, if that spooks him, then that'll tell you that he's NOT on the same page that you are.
So you let "I love you" slip out....that's not the end of the world, and he might be the kind of guy who doesn't say that easily......his actions speak louder than those words. Don't worry about it. At least he now knows how YOU feel.....the next question is how does he feel.
It would be nice if people were made to order and came in one size fits all. The tricky thing about people and relationships is trying to understand their perspective, especially if it is different than our own. I am going to guess the people in the past may have said I Love You back and since he has not acknowledge it, you are wondering if he feels the same?
From what you have posted I am willing to believe he does feel the same. However instead of saying it, he shows it through actions. I know many guys are more action than word orientated.
It might be wothwild just have a chat with him and talk about where does he see things going between the two of you. It might give you a perspective on what his intentions are.
Thank you both for replying.
I do agree, Smurfberry, that he probably DOES love me as he shows me often through his actions. I guess I'd be more confident if there wasn't this one important piece missing. I have this nagging feeling that he might love the way I make him feel, he might love me as a friend and is just hoping that "spark" will hit for him if he sticks around. I can't see that happening if it hasn't after a year. I just keep hearing from men friends that there is NO way they would be able to wait that long and that there must be someting wrong...
Dakine, you're right. I really DO need to stop beating around the bush. I can't stand this not knowing and I fear what I might turn into if I spend much more time in limbo like this.
Now, I just need to work up the courage!
Thanks all
This from a hubby point of view, take it as you will of course,
I like the other responses. He sounds pretty normal to me. Some guys are aggressive, some are more into enjoying what is currently there. Don't torture yourself by overthinking this...you're secure and not clingy, so don't overthink this so much, my opinion.
You have what sounds like a great friendship (most important IMO) and a developing relationship together, don't poke and prod it so much simply because he didn't do/say what you expected.
Remember, we're guys. Many of us aren't the type that SAY "I love you" right back or something "darling" like that. We're not programmed that way for the most part. My wife sprouts s on a normal basis as well, but she's been with me long enough now to know that I express myself with her differently.
What would really help, IMHO, is for you to question yourself regarding what it is that you truly expect him to say or do when you feel that urge to him at those times. Not saying you shouldn't do it, but what I AM saying is to let him respond the way he will...let him be himself without disecting the relationship.
Sounds like he does truly care for you and expresses it way...no need to call in the surgeon on this, lol. :)
so congrats and just relax and enjoy
C H A R A C T E R
Thanks, Mr. Para, for your feedback. I think my earlier response to you got lost, so I'm trying again...
You are right - I DO know that he cares. I've been in relationships before where I heard the words often. That is all they were - words. This is different. I FEEL more loved by him than I have before by men who have told me they love me constantly.
So, do you think I am better off going with the flow and NOT bringing up the subject of lack of sexual intimacy? I hear from so many well meaning male friends that there HAS to be something wrong with a man who would go 1 year w/out pushing for sex (since I know that he is not waiting for marriage or has religious issues about sex) - i.e. he is getting it someplace else, he has some STD or physical problem he doesn't want to tell me about, he's gay and doesn't know it, or he's just not attracted to me. I'm sure he's not getting it anyplace else, I cannot imagine that he's gay. This leaves me thinking he's just not into me. Is he so into my personality that he's hoping whatever "spark" or sign he's thinking might be missing will happen if he waits it out? Is he just very shy? We're both in our 30s, so I can't imagine it's that simple. Would a man hang around THAT long if there wasn't some kind of spark?? Or, am I making too many excuses for him??
GRRRR...
I agree with your male friends. It does seem odd that he only cuddles and hugs with you after an entire year of dating. Most men would have at least tried to engage is sex. I think that you need to get up the courage to ask him why he is holding back for getting to "home base".
In my own courtship, I waited 5 1/2 years for sex on my wedding night. That was on her terms, although the wait was well worth it. I have a great wife whom I adore. 50 years of marriage and still counting.
To be honest, I'm still trying my best to piece your wording together to construct a realistic here, but its still too tough.
Only thing I detect from your version of this situation so far is that he has shown signs of being interested . He hasn't pushed for anything closer or more intimate. PLUS the fact that you are enjoying what I personally would call a long distance relationship, if you're still seeing him only a couple times per week anyway. That distance relationship may also be the main reason why your friends have thought what they thought about him as well, especially since he hasn't signaled true intent or even strong desire for this to go further.
Truth be told, I was the same way with Lady Para for quite a while prior to marriage as well. It was a phase I was going through of not being certain where my future was going to be with her and all. Not that I didn't care for her, but that didn't necessarily mean that I intended to make my future with her either.
I think most men and many women go through that thought process with someone they truly care about but just aren't certain of the future anyway, especially regarding a permanent one with that person.
For all you know, and especially by what you've shared so far, maybe he himself has been thinking too much this whole time and just simply isn't ready to be that aggressive unless he felt it was safe to do so without having to worry so much about what happens next. Only you can find these things out, ya know? Sometimes our relationships just hit that log in the road that requires open conversation about what next. Only you can determine if that is what is now needed with him. But at least discussing this topic can help you with ideas on what be an issue with him.
And NO, I won't rule out other possibilities that hinder his openness with you too. Keep us posted...very interesting. :)
C H A R A C T E R
I would never want a man to respond to my "i love you" with his own "I love you". IMO, a reply like that is forced and may not be genuine. I say those words when I'm ready to share them and I accept i'll hear them from him when he's ready to share too.
Intimacy: Have you two talked about sex (in general, past partners) at all. IMO, that would be the best way to get talking about it without direct pressure on your current situation. I know many people don't agree with discussing past partners, but for me, I enjoy learning about their sexual past - it lets me know how much/how far I can go with them. All three men I've been with had no issue discussing their sexual past and in two cases, those conversations helped our sexual discovery immensely. Good Luck!
Thank you all so much for your replies.
I will broach the subject next time I see him - which, b/c of his job - will not be until Thursday. That gives me plenty of time to get up the courage...
Thanks again!