How to dissuade a flirty friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
How to dissuade a flirty friend?
25
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:07am
How do I politely ask my friend to stop hitting on my b/f? She is very beautiful and clearly her flirting is going pretty darn far. I mean hopefully I'm quite pretty too -- not too too worried about that. But she dresses a combination of innocent and sexy and she's clearly getting some of his attention and enjoying it. Yesterday she had on a beautiful gauzy sundress, blatantly with nothing underneath it. This is pretty silly if true that she's after a bald 40-year-old guy with glasses -- but I make him sound worse than he is, despite all that he's so yummy. And clearly has gotten the attentions of some amazing women, i think it's just that he's smart, sure of himself but not cocky and just very easy to get along with.

I HATE to bring it up with her ... she'll say, "what? i'm not interested in _him_" but clearly she is.

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:18am
Christy, IF she's your friend, then she should care about your feelings, shouldn't she? She can flirt with any man, ask her to stop flirting with YOURS. Put her on the spot. Make her accountable. Your guy should be off limits if she values your friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 12:34pm
I agree with Kat, and wanted to add if she has gone very far with this, then why hasn't *HE* said anything to her? If I had a friend who continually hit on my DH, my *DH* would be in hot water for not trying to put a stop to it. And if she didn't stop, she wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:48pm
I'm a bit cautious about just what kind of friend you really have in that lady, but that is choice to make.

If you're more interested in resolving this without damaging the friendship too much, then perhaps you could let her know you simply feel that her actions just seem a little too flirty and that you would definitely like her to tone it down or stop being too friendly altogether. Even if she doesn't deserve it, you're showing an interest in keeping her friendship by not flat out accusing her of certain motives; plus, this gives her a chance to change and an opportunity to show that she didn't mean any harm.

If you're convinced she just wants your man, then of course the direct approach, along with showing her the door!, LOL, is the way to go. Just my two cents AND experience with what wifey and I have already been through.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:57pm
Sounds pretty reasonable. I like the way you put it. To the earlier posts: I've only been seeing this guy for a month, so I have no wish to take it up with him. I'm reasonably sure he's "exclusive" to me at this point -- I know for sure he wasn't when we first met -- but we've never had The Conversation so I don't really know. (Hmmm, haven't even thought about that.) All I know is, I'm a 9, she's a 10, and he seems at first blush like a 6-7 but it just goes to show you, attraction is a wierd thing. I'm not the only one to feel his pull, I walked into a restaurant that I used to work at way back when and I'm still friends with the owners, and they're like, thumbs _up_, we much like! I'm sure other guys his age, who are ostensibly more attractive, are wondering what's up with this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:38pm
It shouldn't matter if you're a 4 and she's a 10! IF you trust your b/f then it shouldn't be a problem. However, since you haven't had the "talk" and you're only "reasonably" sure he's "exclusive", then you don't trust him. If he's not discouraging her, then you shouldn't trust him.....so maybe she's doing you a favor, by bringing his true colors to light!

If she was a good friend, she wouldn't be doing this, so just tell her how you feel, and then you'll find out what a "good" friend SHE is, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:04pm

Christy, I really don't get all this ratings stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:24am
Probably, but it's hard to blame him. I mean it sounds like you're trying to warn me that he's a Bad Guy With Wandering Eyes. As I said, he's not necessarily exclusive to me so I find it hard to blame him if he's helping stoke the fire just a tad. We have no agreement in place that tells him not to admire beautiful women! If I'd been dating him for two years I might feel entitled to look at it differently. I just want her to become normal and unflirty, that's all. And I'm afraid that if I bring it up w/her, she'll just say, "good grief Christy I am doing no such thing, why would you even think that?" And then I'll have to provide examples which will be lame.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:09am
Christy- sounds like there's a few things going on....since the relationship is new, you're feeling funny about addressing any of this with him, which i TOTALLY understand- BUT what may be the bigger issue is that it seems you are simply not feeling 'as good as' your friend.

when you say things like 'i don't blame him' for being attracted 'she's a 10'...i guess i wonder...if you're not seeing yourself as being good enough for him.

take a look at your own confidence in yourself and consequently this relationship...these kinds of insecurities TEND to become self-fulfilling prophecies- IF you believe he probably doesn't want you as much as someone else cuz you're only a "9" and there are "10's" out there, like another poster said, you're going to become a 4!! be confident...he's WITH YOU and not her!!

and in the mean time- perhaps since you're still in early stages, maybe not spend time with this friend...but what's important for you AND your friend to realize, is that whatever her intentions MAY be- you are feeling that she's flirting with your guy...and that's simply the end of the story. you need to tell her that her flirtatiousness is making you feel uncomfortable and whether she realizes she's making you feel that way, she is...and if she's a REAL friend...she'll QUICKLY ammend her behavior and make sure you are feeling ok...if she DOESNT, then i'd closely examine this friendship!!

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:28am
She's your FRIEND, so you should be able to speak freely with her! But even if she does deny doing it, she'll know that YOU see it and are upset by it. And IF she chooses not to stop, then she's not much of a friend and this would be a wakeup call for you. Either way, you've gotten your point across.

If you're more afraid of upsetting her than having this conversation though, then there's not much you can do about it other than stew in silence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 4:31pm
As I suggested earlier, christy, you do have the option to simply let her know that you "feel" uncomfortable with some of the things she does, AND let her know at the same time that you're not actually accusing her of anything. See the difference?

Expressing that you're a bit uneasy about how you feel your man will react to her at times is accusing her of a motive. Again, regardless of if she is or not, this will still enable you to get your point across without leaving ANY room for her to reasonably feel she's being accused of something...key word: reasonably.

Letting her know right away that nothing is being done wrong, but that you're requesting a change simply because you feel uneasy...is in my honest opinion, perfectly innocent AND effective. Remember, there is NOTHING wrong with you having any of these feelings, including uneasy feelings about this situation, and it is your right to request a change. If you her that you don't see anything "wrong" but that you just feel better with a change in her approach to him anyway, then that IMHO is much different than flat out accusing her of having the motive to flirt.

Again, good luck. I really think you should come out just fine. ;)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

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