How to dissuade a flirty friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
How to dissuade a flirty friend?
25
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:07am
How do I politely ask my friend to stop hitting on my b/f? She is very beautiful and clearly her flirting is going pretty darn far. I mean hopefully I'm quite pretty too -- not too too worried about that. But she dresses a combination of innocent and sexy and she's clearly getting some of his attention and enjoying it. Yesterday she had on a beautiful gauzy sundress, blatantly with nothing underneath it. This is pretty silly if true that she's after a bald 40-year-old guy with glasses -- but I make him sound worse than he is, despite all that he's so yummy. And clearly has gotten the attentions of some amazing women, i think it's just that he's smart, sure of himself but not cocky and just very easy to get along with.

I HATE to bring it up with her ... she'll say, "what? i'm not interested in _him_" but clearly she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 5:23pm
Well said. Will do. To the other posters, I don't have low self esteem or anything. It's just a normal self esteem, I'm not the least bit miserable but not at all egocentric either. I'm short and really cute; she's tall and really really really beautiful. But I know my ace in the hole though (it would never come to this, no worries): if you remember from another thread i have a friend who categorically refuses, under ANY circumstances, to put a penis in her mouth. That's her. She loves guys and loves sex, but she has a major mental issue with sucking c*ck, something about just plain not being able to deal with the fact that guys pee from them. Clearly that would be a deal-breaker for my b/f, who is a voracious consumer of blowjobs and I think wouldn't be happy with anyone unless they were a pretty doggoned state-of-the-art fellatrix. But anyhow I do appreciate your measured advice at how to approach her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:06pm

No....not criticising him at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:23pm
>>Let me put it this way: I'm a flirter. Always have been. And I flirt with men when their partners are there.<<

Just to clarify, do you do it with anyones partner, or only with people you know don't have a problem with it? I know it would tick me off if someone did that to me.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:46pm

If a women doesn't trust her partner, it's *not my problem*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:49pm
>>If a women doesn't trust her partner, it's *not my problem*.<<

I wasn't speaking about trust. You can trust your partner and still not like someone blatantly flirting with them. And to me personally that seems like a self centered attitude, to not respect someone else's relationship and boundaries, and simply thinking, "Oh well, not *my* problem." Reminds me of my husbands aunt, who swears like a sailor. When someone says anything to her about not being comfortable with the f word being thrown around like that, she simply blows it off with "Get over it." instead of respecting that others aren't comfortable with it.

>>Also, what's the difference between flirting with you there as opposed to not there? I would have thought that flirting with you absent would be worse....? <<

I never said there was a difference, just addressing your point about doing it in front of someone's partner.

>>At the end of the day, a good man won't cheat and neither will a good friend.<<

I wasn't concerned with cheating. And I fully agree with that statement.

>>Now, quite possibly, the guys that reject a flirt are the ones who are with insecure partners. Therefore, they reject the flirt so that the partner won't get jealous. Or possibly they reject the flirt because they are not interested in flirting. Either way, it's OK.<<

Oy. I never understand why people seem to jump to "insecure" whenever someone doesn't feel comfortable or choose to do what someone else *is* comfortable with. Some people just feel that flirting outside of the couple does not belong in a committed relationship. How does that equate to insecure?

>>You see, if you flirt with someone that has a partner, then you *know* that it won't go further. <<

That I feel is naive. You are assuming that the other person feels that way. Have you considered that you see them as harmless because they are attached, but maybe *they* think there is a possibility with you? I think it all also boils down to the level of flirting. I think there is some flirting that is obviously harmless, but I think you can also tell when there is intent behind it. That's what would bother me. For example, my husband was doing some work outside, and my sister and I were doing cat calls at him lol. Obviously I know my sister wouldn't do anything with him, it was all in fun. But I think when there is obvious intent behind it, that goes too far. It sounds to me like we may have misunderstood each other, as your explanation suggests more friendly type flirting without any intent and I was talking about too friendly *with* intent.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:37pm

>>You can trust your partner and still not like someone blatantly flirting with them.<<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:00pm
I didn't see it as an attack at all. I know what you mean though, because there are times when I just don't get you either lol. The way you are so unaffected by many things, seems so ... I don't know, weird to me. At times it seems as if you can't be real(not meaning phoney, just meaning how can you be a human and not have any insecurities). It's very foreign to me, that you never so much as have a twinge of jealousy or insecurity. I think it is also what makes you seem so intriguing to me, for some reason the fact that I don't understand you makes me want to understand you lol. I have always thought myself a confident person, yet I do have insecurities. BUT, they have never kept me from doing anything, or being unreasonable, or made me feel bad about myself, or affected my relationship with DH or others.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:09pm
Mmmm, I don't know about intent, but it seems much more sexual than just kidding. I think I'll make a preemptive strike and just mention that BTW, isn't it so wierd that my friend Catharine absolutely will not give bjs. "Imagine that!" That will make him lose all interest, if he has any. Plus it's the truth -- good to solve issues with healthy applications of truth. I know most guys like receiving oral but for him it's a _fundamental_ part of his sexuality ... not that that's good or bad, it seems to me that it just is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:43am

I do have insecurities, however none are related to subjects which would be on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:38pm
I appreciate the post, it does help me to understand where you are coming from a bit. You know, even understanding the grey area doesn't always help in social situations ;-) I have misread people before. It is nice to know you are human too :-)

Leticia