How do I help him......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
How do I help him......
5
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:13pm

.....to be more assertive?

"Not all of us can do great things, but all of us can do small things with great love." - Mother Theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 6:07pm
Hon, this isn't a fault on his behalf - it's a personality trait. And as such, you either have to accept him how he is, or move on. Some people don't feel the need to discuss it - rather, they're just happy doing it.

If you had a lousy sex life, I would rate the need for conversation highly. But as you are already having sex that's fabulous, I wonder what there is that you want him to talk about. I would imagine that he's more than satisfied already and not needing to talk about improvements.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:30pm
I agree completely with aisha on this. However, you may want to back off a little and allow him to take control and express his feelings and desires. There is a natural give and take in a relationship..sort of a Yin and Yang (male/female). In this case, you are taking ont he role of the more aggressive partner, the Yang or male energy...there is nothing wrong with this, but the relationship craves balance. So he will naturally take on the more passive role. Often times when you allow yourself to step back and "be taken" a bit, he will naturally move into that role more.

Either way, as aisha said, some of this is just personality too. You need to love him for who he is and not who he would like to be. Don't beat yourself up because we ALL do that now and again. If you can accept the idea that he may not ever be a big talker or initiator, often times he becomes that. It's weird, but that is how the Universe and relationships seem to work.

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 8:52pm
Just wanted to comment a little further on Scott's idea of backing off a little. When I start to talk about stuff too much for my DH, he also retreats into single sentence, non-commital replies. I take this as a hint that I'm taking him into an emotional space that he's not comfortable with - and I back off.

The thing is, most women discuss and analyse - while most men are more internal with their thoughts. And that's just the way it is. We women have to be careful that we don't try and turn our men into our girlfriends.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:48pm

Thanks you two for the advice.

"Not all of us can do great things, but all of us can do small things with great love." - Mother Theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:29am
I agree with the others that this is just the way he is, and if he makes a concerted effort, he might be able to change a little......but do you love him as he is, or as you wish he was?

Also, just the fact that he's away, and he's missing you just as much as you're missing him.......maybe he'd rather NOT talk about it....it just makes it that much worse. I was in a relationship once where my partner was gone a lot, and when we'd talk on the phone, he'd do what you're doing, and I hated it. I have no problem expressing my feelings in person.....but just the fact that he was gone, and I missed him so much, I really didn't WANT to discuss sex......that just made me MORE lonely.