How do I keep a booty call, a booty call

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
How do I keep a booty call, a booty call
9
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 10:45pm
I met a guy and he is just right, but the problem is he's married but has been seperated for over two years. He is what I call my booty call but I am starting to develop feelings for him. How do I remain cool about everything? He doesn't know that I have feelings for him and I will not disclose anything to him either until I get a cue from him? So the question is, how do I remain being the cool, distant one in this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 10:50pm

I don't think that you can fight your feelings AND stay in close contact with him. You're asking us how to fool yourself into thinking that you've not got feelings for this guy.

If he's been separated for two years it's very likely that he is well and truely on the way to getting over his marriage break-up and is becoming emotionally stable enough to at least consider, if not deal with, the idea of having another relationship. After-all, that's what you are telling us, isn't it? That you could see yourself having a relationship with this guy?

In the longrun I don't see what good it is to hide your feelings. Why do you feel that you can't tell him how you feel? Why do you have to wait for a clue from him? Why ca't you drop some hints yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:09pm
The reason why I have not told him anything is because he has told me his wife is wanting to work things out with him. And when I asked if he's wanting to work things out he simply said I don't know. Which I told him that he isn't wanting to work things out because if he did he wouldn't be lying in bed with me! But he told me he's cool with the way things are with us right now. So I took that as not wanting to carry things further.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:40am
I agree with Westridge though, regardless of what he decides about reconciling with his wife, he needs to know how you feel. That could make a difference in his decision!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 5:06pm

I don't see how NOT telling how you feel is doing any good.

Maybe he wants to work things out with his wife, maybe he isn't sure. Maybe if he knew how you really felt he might be more interested in making it work with you. It's quite likely that he is thinking more or less the same way that you are - "I'm not sure whether or not I want my wife back, but nothing is really happening with this other woman I'm with. She acts like it's just a booty call so I guess nothing will come of it and maybe I should look at getting back together with my wife?".

I think that you should probably tell him that you're more interested. If you DON'T tell him he may well choose his wife. If you DO, tell him you will have at least had more of a shot at keeping him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:42pm
The only way to remain cool and detached is to quit sleeping with him. And if he is still thinking of getting back with the wife then he is not in love with you yet. It could happen though if you two have other things in common and like doing other activities together besides sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 12:30am

I believe that process go either way.

Him not knowing what he wants may mean he doesn't want to work things out since he's with you...or...it could actually mean that he is redeveloping feelings for her again anyway and is thinking of working things out along with her as a result. Who really knows?

I just think it go either way though. I agree with West that you should really think about discussing your feelings and clarify understanding between you two.

IMHO, better to live an relationship and not a baggage one in which he'll still cling to the past or to feelings he may still have for someone else. Just my view on it, your call.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 12:44am
Knowing from experience: BOOTY CALLS ARE DIFFICULT!!! I've known a guy for over 2 years now and he's my booty call also, but it seems that every time I develop feelings for him and then get over him, he says or does something to draw me back in again. The only way I get over him is to use distance to my advantage and put the miles between us. I'm in college so when I go home for the summer, this is easier, but not simple because we still talk. I only revealed my feelings for him once last year and he said that he didn't want to be in a relationship then because he was jealous in his previous relationship and he didn't want that again and didn't want a relationship until he was "the best man he could be." Sweet huh, but I still got rejected. So, I eventually got over him, but he was still subconsciously in the back of my mind I guess because I now have the same feelings for him again. But do you think I've told him?----NOPE!!! And I'm guessing that your guy is probably your "security blanket" who you run to to make you feel better after a bad day and that type of thing. My guy is which makes it even worse. If you are going to be just strictly "friends with benefits" then it is wise to keep feelings out of it and have it be just be about the sex. However, it may also be worth taking a chance on and telling him your feelings. Maybe he is too scared to say anything because he is technically married, or just scared like you are. What I'm saying is that you will never know if it could work out between you two unless you try. (This is a good discussion for me becuase I guess I need to take my own advice also!!!!) You can tell him your feelings and still be cool, but in my opinion, neither one of you are very distant because you are already having sex. But it is harder for girls to keep feelings out of sex than it is for guys. It has always been this way, but my booty call and I have been on and off for about 2 years now and I'm realizing that it's time to either "piss or get off the potty" so to speak. If this guy doesn't feel the same way you do, then maybe it's time to move on and find someone who will return those same feelings. Afterall, you deserve the best and shouldn't have to settle for anything less. Hope my "words of wisdom" and my situation can give you a little bit of direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 11:04am
I have been in his situation. I agree with what Para said. And everyone else, but have to add another twist to confusion here.
Seperated and going through divorce, I had met someone who was fun, exiting, sexual, and a welcome distraction from all the divorce turmoil. I went the direction of the new and exiting. It didn't work out for other reasons that I should have seen, but I found out that the truth was...I was affraid to be alone. Did not want to be without someone who loved me. When it didn't work out, I ran straight back to the ex for the same unrecognized "fear of aloneness". My ex saw this and did not let me back, yet forced me to be alone and learn to enjoy being alone. We are not together anymore, but I must thank her over and over for "force" teaching me what I needed to learn.
Just my story..take it for what you will and forget it if you choose.
But something else to look at.
Good Luck. I hope whatever you do yields you happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 7:23pm
Listen everyone thanks for the advice! I will keep everyone posted on the goings on in this situation.