How to get DH to be aggressive???
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| Sun, 02-10-2008 - 10:16pm |
How do I get DH to take the initiative sexually as well as be more aggressive at times? He is sweet and gentle and always concerned about me and I love that he is that way. I'd rather he be like that that always aggressive. But sometimes I wish he would be aggressive and just take me, you know? It would turn me on so much if he would just grab me, rip off my clothes and "have his way with me". But it's just not like him.
But It's not even that at this point, I feel like I'm the only one that even initiates sex at all.
I've talked to him about this. We have great communication. well, I guess I've talked to him about initiating sex, but not about being aggressive. He said that he guesses he was just "beaten down". Like when we were first married he was much HL than I was and he says that he just was tired of being denied. I understand but that hasn't happened for a couple years.


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Dear Maggie:
You have brought you question to the right board.
Rich, good to the last drop
Welcome to the board, Maggie.
I know that when my kids were younger, I turned my hubby down a lot for sex. Over the past couple of years, I've had an incredible surge in my libido, and it did take a while for him to move past those old days. He does initiate now, but like your hubby, he had become programmed to not initiate because he felt that his attempts would be shot down.
I hear you saying that you don't want to always initiate, and that you want him to get a bit more aggressive in other ways. For us, it literally took me showing my hubby what I wanted/needed. I did that my introducing some sexy things to him in the form of little gifts for a period of time. With Valentine's Day so close, you could use that time to do something similar.
You could make a coupon book for him, and include things like a quickie, sex in the living room on a specified night of the week, or a BJ in the car during an evening out. Anything that gets him thinking more about sex -- and, of course, it's very important that you honor those coupons when he does present them. You could also get a couple of small sex toys, lube, etc. as gifts for the day, and if the two of you are okay with it, some porn can be helpful too. If you watch porn when you're having sex one night (which could be another coupon idea), then he will be able to see your reaction to what you're watching. That will not only turn him on, but give him ideas as to what you might want.
When you are having sex, let him know what he does that's very good (be verbal). When you want to have sex (say that night), instead of telling him, reminisce about things he's done that have made you really hot, let him know that you want to do it again. Dropping hints during the day (in the morning, on the phone, via e-mail, etc.) can help to keep both of your minds on sex. If you have a thought of something you would like to try, you could tell him that at a time when it's not even convenient to have sex. That will plant a seed (hopefully), and he will make that fantasy come true at a later time.
Showing him your sexual side, often, will help both of you to become more comfortable in the bedroom. Once you start experimenting and opening up, it gets easier and easier. His response will also help you know how far you can push the limits. You could also try reading erotica together. That can open the door for a lot of fantasies, like the one you have of him taking you.
Also, be open to having sex in different settings (break out of the rut of always being in your bed), and different kinds of sex. Make some events all about him, or all about you. Give him a hand job under a blanket while watching a movie, or a BJ in the kitchen after the kids have gone to sleep. It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, so that's one thing you want to break if you want more creativity in your relationship. By taking the initiative, it opens things up so that he can feel comfortable getting a bit more kinky too.
Here are a couple of articles you might find helpful also:
10 All-Time Best Bedroom Tricks
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,traceycox_b1g0g04t,00
10 Things Good Girls Can Learn from Porn Stars
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,9x7nhpjx,00.html
Let us know how it went when he got home last night.
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I think you are right. I really think I will have to show him what I want. I will have to do it to him.
I just wrote him my first 'suggestive' email. I need help. Here's what I wrote:
"hello my sweety,
I'm so glad you are back home with us. You just left to go to the office and I wanted to drop you a little love note. I love you, i love you, i love you.
I can't wait until tonight. I know you're still tired, and that's ok, because you won't have to do anything *wink wink*
we need to make up for the last week with you being gone!
Your kinky little housewife,
Maggie"
I hope using the word 'kinky' isn't too much.
Keep us posted on how things go, Maggie.
The first time I tied hubby's hands together, I also blindfolded him. I used a large powder brush and teased him with it to start, accompanied by strategically placed kisses and warm, moist breath. After some oral, I climbed on top and about mid way through, I removed his blindfold. It was all very gentle, nothing too kinky, but something he very much enjoyed ;-)
You might also want to get a book designed for married couples. Ideally, it would present new things for both of you to try and experience. I know the Sinclair Institute has one that is accompanied by a DVD. If you're in the states, you could look at drugstore.com, and perhaps get something in time for V-Day (or have a late celebration this weekend). They're in CT, and ship really fast!
Visit me on my boards
Let's Talk Toys
Let's Talk About Sex
~ visit my partners in the siggy exchange ~
Dealing with In-Laws ~ Renewing Your Vows
Click here to fill your Sweet Tooth!
(no calories!)
Sounds great, Maggie!
Can you get any time today for yourself (maybe while the kids nap)? You could pamper yourself a little, paint your nails, and primp to get yourself in top form ;-)
Visit me on my boards
Let's Talk Toys
Let's Talk About Sex
~ visit my partners in the siggy exchange ~
Dealing with In-Laws ~ Renewing Your Vows
Click here to fill your Sweet Tooth!
(no calories!)
misty,
I don't know if I can find any time before the kids are in bed. But thank goodness for early bed times. even though Dh will be home with me, I don't see why I can't bathe and pamper myself with him hear. So yes, I can find time.
I hope you don't mind my suggestions.
that is an AWESOME idea! so fun.
thank you.
Some have been asking to know how DH's arrival back home was. I will obviously have to keep this sensored to prevent being reported ;) but here's how it went.
All day he called me about 3 times and I continued to remind him how excited I was for him to come home. And how I couldn't wait for him to make love to me. And how I would be waiting in bed for him...etc etc.
He was not scheduled to get home until 3am, so I did need to go to bed, I had on just a black, soft, tight T-shirt and a black thong. I know others may not think
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