How long to hold out for sex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
How long to hold out for sex...
5
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:01pm

SO,

I started talking to this guy that i used to talk to in high school. We always had feeling for each other back then but never pursued anything romantically. We recentally saw each other and started talking again. This was last week. Since then we have talked on the phone every day for at least an hour. He has been the one pursueing me. THe problem is that when we were in high school he was quite the "player" and was known for cheating on his girlfriends. Over the past year he had dated a girl and claims that he loved her and was completely faithful to her until he found out that she cheated on him, completely crushing him. Then he started cheating on her after he found out she cheated on him and they ended up breaking up. So... we've been out of high school for 2 yrs. and he has a full time job ( a really good job) and bills to pay (truck payment, house payment, insurance, etc. ) and he has seemed to grow up in that area. I on the other hand dated a guy in high school for 3 years and was intimate with him and after high school i became engaged for the last year and was also intimate with him but those are my only two sexual partners because i do not want to have sex unless i am in a committed relationship. So, the question is... if i continue to talk to him like we are now, how long should i wait before becoming intimate. So, he knows that i'm really not just a fling, i'm definately not that way. So, i'm positive that he's not just using me for a piece of A** ? Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:23pm

You've answered your own question! "I do not want to have sex unless I am in a committed relationship!" That's how long you wait, if that's what you want to wait for.

You are assuming a lot about this guy, he used to be a player......what makes you think he's no longer a player? Just because he has a job, and has bills to pay? Financial responsibility and "morals" are two different things.

What kind of solution for a cheating girlfriend is cheating on HER? That just brought him down to her level. It sounds like he was more interested in "payback" than his hurt feelings. A sensible person would have tried to fix the situation, and/or ended it. He did neither. That would make me wonder about him, for sure.

If you don't want to be a "booty call".....then don't be one. If this guy has matured since high school, and he's interested in you as a PERSON, he'll wait as long as he has to, at least until he offers you a committed relationship. If he won't wait, what does that tell you?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:40pm

The answer is that you can't be sure of anything. It's always going to be a risk to become intimate with someone, no matter what their past is. Even if you were his first partner, it can still be risky. Becoming intimate means becoming vunerable.

It's possible that being cheated on taught this guy a lesson he won't forget, people can change. But maybe not, since he retaliated rather than work it out, as GTB pointed out.

There is just no way to be certain of his intentions. All you can do is inform him of yours. The rest is up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 6:29pm

There's no easy way to answer this. Look at it from the point of view of "If I have sex with him now, and he turns out to be pond-scum or a player tomorrow, will I be upset that I had sex with him, or will I still be happy with my choice given the benefit of hindsight?"

I don't think that his history helps his case, and I think that it's unlikely that two years and employment will have changed him that much, but at the same time, you do eventually want to have sex with him. I guess that you have to wait until you are reasonably confident that you are in a committed relationship with him. Once you've made that decision then you have sex and take whatever comes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 7:23pm

MY rule is that 2 out of 3 must agree. (yes that rhymes! lol)


Head, heart and body. If 2 of those two agree that the time is right, then I'll do it.



Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 2:54pm
A leopard does not change it's spots. He didn't cheat until he caught his wife sounds like utter bull. "Pond scum" to quote another poster sounds like an accurate discription for this "player". If you are not interested in a one night stand, or a causal relationship at best, hit the eject button. This "player" will hurt you.